Two Wheel Chairs on Christmas Day

Christmas Day 2011...

...not the Christmases we have had in the past.  My first Christmas with my dad with bad back pain.  My second Christmas where Dad and Mom did not come to my house for Christmas lunch due to health issues.  My first Christmas going to the retirement community to celebrate Christmas with them.  The first time in my life where I've seen both of my parents in wheel chairs on Christmas day.

They were facing each other.  Dad was just moved from the bed where he was lying down, happy, talkative, and not in pain, to the wheel chair.  That task of moving him took a toll on him.  He wasn't the same after that.  He was really in pain and never seemed to look comfortable.  Debilitating back pain is awful.  He'd been having this since Wednesday, about four days. I remember Mom's back pain from 2 years ago.  It was just as awful as this.

So they sat there facing each other.  My mom at one point was leaning forward with her hand on his leg.  "Joe, are you ok?  Joe what is the matter?"  He'd answer with, "My back."  She'd ask a new question, "Your back is hurting?"  He'd reply, "Yes."
Then, "How bad does it hurt?"  She is being completely sincere and sounding very concerned.  Her brow is furrowed and she is listening intently.  "It hurts bad." An honest reply, but one which I so wish was not the case.

I hate seeing my dad in pain.

She'd look at him for a moment pondering what he said.  Then five minutes later, I'd hear the same thing.
"Joe are you alright?  What's wrong?"  And we'd hear the same conversation all over again.  I almost had to chuckle and did smile.  Not in a disrespectful way.  Memory impairment is real.  It is one of the worst things imaginable and it is heartbreaking.  Sometimes though I have to find the silver lining in the journey.  The joy.  The moments of thankfulness. 

My mom doesn't have any short term memory.  She honestly didn't remember asking him those questions five minutes earlier.  Dad didn't remember either.  So he didn't mind answering them again.  Each time there was sincerity, concern and compassion.  Such is the way of Alzheimers.

What struck me so much about these moments was that BOTH of my parents were in wheel chairs.  BOTH were looking at each other.  BOTH on this journey of growing old.   
Fifty-eight years and counting, they are still together, in sickness and in health.

The saying, "I'm going to grow old with you." is so true of my folks.

1952

They have grown old together and continue on the path of aging.

One will go forward faster and then stablilze more. Then the other will move forward faster and plateau.  It goes back and forth.  Due to Alzheimer's Disease Dad is definitely declining faster than Mom now.  The times of one independently caring for the other one are gone.  My dad did all he could during those years for my mom.  He cared for her through 3 different times with cancer. 

When she stopped driving for good, he took her anywhere and everywhere she needed to go....to the grocery store, to every single doctor's appointment, to the hospital, to her chemotherapy.... I've never seen a greater love or devotion for someone else who is suffering from a disease, than the love my dad showed my mother during those years.

During good health, they raised my brother and I, we went on family vacations, we spent lots and lots of time together.

Tom's first Christmas

My first Christmas with Mom, Dad, and Tom

Thinking about smiling for the camera.  Dad was trying hard to help with that.

Once we were out of the house, they spent much time traveling together and spending that quality time with one another.

Then they became grandparents and they have blessed our sons more than I can ever say.

Here we are today.....

Mike, Joseph, Tom, Judith, Joe, Philip and Ethel  Thanksgiving Celebration 2011

 Their going has stopped, and it's our turn to go, just like they did for us.

Dad's uncanny sensitivity to all of those low blood sugars has saved Mom's life more times than I even know.  Yesterday I caught the low blood sugar while I was visiting her.  Sometimes we wind up at the right place at the right time and can still help.  Dad has been there for her through all medical situations, until he just couldn't physically do it anymore and Alzheimer's took over.  My mom cared for him in sickness and in health in their healthy years, through surgeries, migraines, sicknesses, joint pain, and more.  She did so much for him until she got cancer and then she could do less and less.  In short, they have lived out for better or worse.

We are still walking this road.

Just seeing my mom Christmas day wanting to do something for Dad, but feeling kind of helpless about his back situation was hard to watch.   I know she worries about him.  She will forget though.  When we got her back to her building she didn't remember even seeing him, but she remembers, HIM.  It is our job to keep reminding them both of current times. 

And such is the way of dementia.  You forget those painful moments no one wants to ponder.  Yet you don't forget the person or that love is there. One reason I want to write all of this down.....  I don't want to forget any of this and I want our boys to have a legacy of memories of their grandparents.

In sickness and in health..... what a beautiful image for me to take away from Christmas day.  I don't want my parents to both be aging to this degree at the same time, but for them this goes right along with their story.  They have always done everything together.  You can't separate Joe and Ethel.  No one ever has been able to, until dementia came into their lives. One thing dementia can never steal though, is true love that comes from God.  I believe God designed marriage that way, he wants our hearts forever bonded to him first and then to our spouses.

Living in Hawaii, right after they were married there.  Dad is still in the US Navy.

For almost two years now, they have been separated more than in their entire lives, outside of their engagement during my dad's tour of duty abroad in the US Navy in the early 1950's

Beginning 22 months ago, Dad would faithfully go over to see Mom.  He did move to this retirement place for her.  She needed the medical care and he could no longer take care of her.  If he didn't move with her, he'd have to drive five miles to see her every day.  At the community, first he'd walk from his assisted living building to her building.  Then after a fall, he required a walker, but he still went.

When he could no longer do that alone, and moved to memory care, he'd go in the golf cart with a staff member.  Now for the moment with the back pain, he can't go at all.  We must bring her to him for a time until Dad's pain is better. We had to tell her that today.

Two of them facing each other in the wheel chairs...  Never would I think I'd see such a thing.  I know I must have started a sentence to Mike once or twice with , "You know when we are old and in our wheel chairs together..... "  I want to grow old with Mike.  My parents are living out "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" before all of us.  It's hard to watch at times, yet it is endearing.  I love them both so much.

Yes, Christmas day was not what I expected, this year.....  Two wheel chairs.....
But what I did expect was still there.... lots of love, commitment, and endearment.