My Daddy's Joy

I'm not sure how this has happened, and I'm still trying to process it all in many ways. 
I am happy about this.
I am so very thankful.
I am astonished.
I am saddened at the same time, but wait until I tell you why....

My Daddy is full of joy right now.  He is not grieving the loss of his bride.  It is incredible.  It is amazing.  It is also just the strangest thing in the world to behold.  The love of his life for 59 years, their hearts so connected and they still are....  Yet his dementia in the form of Alzheimer's has saved my Daddy from a completely broken heart.  How could this ever be?  I never in a million years if I tried to predict the end of their story would I believe it would be this story.

When you hear the Lord only allows what you can handle this must be a case like that.  My dad is being spared the intense grief my brother and I and other family members share.  Ever since Mom's memorial service he has not mentioned her.  The day of her death we sat down with him and all three of us, Michael, Tom and myself told him what had happened to Mom.  He was saddened then, and was trying to take it all in.  There were tears.  "She was a strong woman. I thought she would get better." he told us.  We told him Mom was strong, so very strong, but she could not overcome diabetes or cancer anymore.  We hugged on him and told him we were there for him and were not leaving him in this process.  Tom grabbed his hand.  "Thank you." he said.  I kissed him on the cheek.  "Thank you." he said.  We told him how loved he was.  When it was time to go, his words to us were, "Please be careful.  I don't want anything to happen to you."  And when I asked him what we could do for him, his only words were "prayers".  

That first week since her death, he told staff members in his building that his cousin died.  Then he said his father had died.  Then finally one day that week he said, his wife had died.  That was the last he mentioned her that we know of.... but he may mention her again in time.

 At the end of Mom's memorial service when they were playing "Amazing Grace" ...

 ...we had the hymnal open for him and he started to cry.  Tears dripped onto his neck tie.  Tom was holding one hand and I had my arm around him.  When that hymn was finished and we walked out of the chapel Daddy was crying.  Tears were streaming down his face as I walked beside him.  It is an image I will never ever forget.  At that time I was wondering "Where does his grief go from here?"  We all wondered if he would forget all of this.  Would the Memorial service just not be there in the forefront of his mind at all?

It has not.

Ever since that day, he has not mentioned Mom.  He has not asked where she is.  He has not asked how she is doing.  He has not asked to go see her like he did  for 2 years.  It has been like a light switch has been turned off or the Lord has turned off the water faucet of tears.  They just are not there right now, though it doesn't mean they won't ever return. 

He has joy.

So "NOT" normal for my dad who loved my mother with his entire body and soul.  Tom and I both know that if this had happened 3 years ago when we thought it might and they were living independently that Dad would be so stricken with grief we were not sure if he'd go downhill from a broken heart and lack of purpose in his life.  The doctors even told us this about him.  I believe he would have been heartbroken even last year. 

Alzheimer's is sparing my dad intense pain.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd say this horribly heart wrenching disease is a blessing, but...... right now it is.  It is protecting my daddy's heart and well being.

So I am grateful he is not suffering this loss intensely like us, yet it makes me sad at the same time, not because I want him to suffer in sadness, but because I CANNOT grieve with my hero.  I cannot grieve and cry with him when I need him.  That is for me to share with other people, not him.  This is just strange, and weird to me.  It doesn't feel "normal".  My dad has always been there for my brother and I.  If in his right mind, Dad would be there for us.  He would be helping us process as much as we needed him.  We would be there for him as well in his time of grief.  We would be sharing all of this time of sadness TOGETHER as a family.  We are not..... 
I MISS my Daddy..... in more ways than one.

Instead of crying and sharing sadness so soon after Mom's death, we are sharing only joy.  Laughter, smiles, ice cream, legos, and memories in the making. My dad's smile and voice ministers to me every single time I see him.  He just lights up and it is such a comfort.

Joseph sharing his Legos with Granddad.  It is always a hit!

How do you say?  How can that be?  I know there may be times when I look at my dad and I may need to cry.  Michael told me that when those times come, to just tell Dad, "I miss Mom."  Perhaps that is the perfect thing to say and that would be enough.

I say often that my folks are this amazing gift from God, and they are!  My gift of Mom is not physically with me, but all that she instilled in me is.
The gift of my dad is still here and the Lord showed me I have yet another gift in my daddy right now.

The gift of HIS JOY.

I don't have to worry about his grief at the moment.  I don't have to take on his pain.  I am the type of person that hurts when other people hurt.  There has been nothing harder or more heartbreaking in my life than to see my dad sad with worry over Mom in the past, or over his not understanding his disease.  It cuts deep.  If Dad were grieving like us I'd be grieving for TWO people, not just myself.  I'd  grieve deeply, my father's grief of Mom's death.

I am not.  It is a gift.  I can breathe a sigh of relief right now because my daddy is not suffering. I can take care of myself and the boys and not be completely absorbed in my dad.  I honestly don't think I would be able to function if my dad was completely grief stricken.  I'd want to be there all of the time with him, would not want to leave his side and would be in so much more emotional pain.

Oh Lord, how do you keep giving my brother and I these gifts in our parents, even now?  It is so completely amazing and thoughtful of you to keep our hearts so close.  Here none of us knew how Dad would react to Mom's passing.  Now we know.

My husband said perhaps since Dad does not have a concept of time that maybe he thinks Mom passed away a long long time ago.
I don't know.  I don't know what his mind is thinking.  However, I do know that if or when he mentions her we will be there for him.  The staff in Memory Care is keeping close tabs on him.  They will let us know how he is doing.  Right now they say he is very active, and happy and endearing.  He is stable and doing fine.

What an amazing gift.....

And I know deep in my heart, Dad has not forgotten Mom.....all of those memories are all still there, even if his disease does not allow him to remember the recent past. 

 Her pictures are still all over his room.  Her love for him is still in his heart....and that love is bringing him peace, plus the many prayers from you and God's mighty love.....