Ten Thousand Reasons to Keep Going After a Loss

Last night, my oldest son Joseph did something that was a gift to me, but he didn't realize how much of gift it would become.  On the Flint Hill fields last night during flag football practice Matt Redman's "10,000 Reasons" was playing over the sound system.  Later that night after we got home Joseph said he had downloaded some sheet music.  He went downstairs and I heard the chords to "10,000 Reasons".  He was trying to sight read the first page.

Of all the songs he could have chosen, he picked this one.  I know it had to have been because he heard it played at the field last night as well.  Plus, the piano is so lovely.

This song..... oh this song.....  I couldn't listen to it all the way through for months after my mom died.

This morning I sight read the entire piece on our piano.... twice.
Yes, there were tears in my eyes..... those chords at the beginning always get to me.

In June of 2012 my mother was extremely sick and on Hospice care.  She was weak and more fragile than I had ever seen her in my entire life.  Something in my gut told me in May she would be with us through June but I was not sure how long after that.  It was the gnawing sensation that I knew she was going to die, but the "when" escaped me.  I had the heaviest heart for that month of June.

Through those precious days and four weeks she continued to smile, laugh, and be who she was... so full of love for all of us she loved so very dearly despite how badly she felt physically.

There was a song Mike was playing on his lap top during that time which really ministered to me.  "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman.   The words to the song really spoke deeply to me especially the part about keeping on singing.  When my heart knew my mom couldn't sing because of her ailing body which was failing on so many levels, I was going to keep singing in my heart for both of us.  That's what I thought and what I wrote about as I grieved the anticipation of losing her 2 weeks before she died.

For weeks it was like my life flashing before my eyes thinking of all of the wonderful things Mom had done for me.  Who she was.  How I had so much of her in my heart.  She saved my life quite literally in ways only a mother can save it.  How do you adequately thank someone for choosing you as her daughter?  How?  Is it even possible?  All of these thoughts of thankfulness, gratitude to God, and how much I loved and appreciated her flooded my mind that June.  She had become such a part of me and I wasn't ready to let go of that.  All of us were having such a hard time with watching her decline.

So I wrote this post on June 24, 2012 and she passed away 6 nights later.  Bless the Lord Oh My Soul
(Click the link to read, it's very short! Lyrics to the song found there.)  It was about this very song, "10,000 Reasons".   Yes, the song I played this morning on our piano!

The entire lyrics to the song are so powerful.....  it ends not with death, but HOPE.

"And on that day when my strength is failing,
The end draws near and my time has come,
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending,
10,000 years and then forever more! "


This song talks about God's goodness.  He is our reason to get up in the morning!  He is our reason to keep singing!  He is who is at our bedside when our bodies are failing.  He is who is with us in the life to come!  The entire song speaks of his holiness, goodness, and how worthy he is of our praise!  

10,000 Reasons to keep going..... I've got a big one the Lord has provided at the moment.....

This baby grand piano that now sits in a corner of our house has most certainly become a treasured gift.  It has proven to be the BEST thing I have ever purchased in my adult life outside of our homes.  It is used and 15 years old, but the previous owner took such good care of it and I am so grateful for that.

I told the Lord that if he helped me learn to play well again or even better than I used to after all of these years that I would keep playing.  AND.... I would play for others.

This desire to play has captivated my heart and the desire to play for others has as well.  Seeing the boys play and hearing piano music in our house on a daily basis makes me smile and I know my parents would have been happy to be a part of that.

My dad always wanted a baby grand.  He used to joke about it.  "But Joe, you don't play!" my mother would tell him.  His response was, "I know, but she does...." and he would point to me.

He was always telling me to "play some more please."  So I would.  I'm telling our boys that too.

We never got a baby grand piano even though my father would have loved to have had one.  I never thought I'd ever own one myself even though I secretly dreamed of that since I was a child.   Anytime Dad saw one, he would marvel over what a beautiful instrument it was.  He loved piano music and grew up listening to George Gershwin records as a teen.  If alive today on this earth would he be giddy that this instrument is in our home?  Absolutely!  Most importantly he would be super excited that it was not just "sitting looking pretty" but that it was played....every single day.  Mom would feel the same way.

10,000 reasons to keep going after a loss..... I have not come up with 10,000 reasons yet, but I may start a list and see how many ones I can come up with then if I get to 1000, I will just multiply those by 10 and say, "Do those things 10 times."

I've got ONE big new reason right now among many others.   When the boys and I can get our repertoires together we will start playing for seniors and Alzheimer's patients.

Thinking on how I could not listen to this song for months and months at all and then for more months without a tear in my eye.  Today I can listen to the entire thing and be ok.  Playing it on the piano however?  Wow..... would I have thought that would happen in June 2012?  It will still remind me of my mother though she did not ever know of or hear the song.

So I'm thanking my son today when I pick him up from school.  This gift of sheet music is more than he realized.  He downloaded it for himself, but actually he did it for me.  Thank you Lord for ministering to me through music, my son, and the loving memory of my mother.

Saturday's Silence in the Garden

The Saturday before Easter it was quiet.  Jesus' body had been taken down off the cross the day before.  He was in the darkened tomb and it was sealed.  

There must have been a lot of confusion and grief that day with those who loved Jesus.  The aftershock of what had happened the day before weighed on their hearts....so many questions in the minds of the disciples.  Saturday must have been quiet on the outside, but emotional turmoil on the inside of Jesus' beloved followers.

I find it interesting that the Easter story involves a day of rest, a sabbath of sorts before the resurrection.  There is a silence and quiet where there is nothing written down to let us know what happened exactly that day.  We can only imagine.  What we do know is Jesus' body is lying in the tomb and there are those who feel like their world has been shattered.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the columbarium at Myers Park UMC, with a daffodil in hand to put in my parents' niche.  The columbarium is actually a garden outside Francis Chapel and the niches are on the side of the chapel all the way around.  There are camellia bushes flanking one side and an angel fountain on the other.  A large Tulip Magnolia tree is at the entrance and a Crepe Myrtle next to a bench.  The Tulip tree was blooming that evening that I stopped by the garden.

I decided to take photos of it because it is such a reminder to me of new life, Easter and the resurrection.  That tree will always bloom around the time of my father's death and my mother's birthday.  

It's like a message from God as I enter the gate....
" 'I am the resurrection and the life....'  Don't worry Judith, your folks and all of my beloved laid to rest here are alive with me.  You just have to wait awhile to see them again."


In the past, I didn't spend too much time thinking about Holy Saturday.  It was the day before Easter when nothing was really going on.  It was the day to get ready for Easter or do my own thing.  In my mind, it seemed ok not to ponder Holy Saturday too deeply, so I didn't.

Then my parents died 9 months apart and everything changed.

My Holy Saturday became my Dad's funeral.....March 30, also what would have been my mother's 83 birthday.  Dad and Mom never missed celebrating her birthday together. 
They were together now in that earthly niche and alive with Christ in eternity.

That Holy Saturday was a blur.  It was only 2 Easters ago.  It seems like yesterday.

Walking two people home whom I  love, has taught me about grief.  I know what it feels like the day after you lose someone.  One day they are here, the next they are gone and it feels like your world has been turned upside down. 

You remember the suffering they went through and how you felt as if you were staring death in the face.  In fact you were, but what you couldn't see was what Jesus was renewing on the inside.  That was what kept me going when I walked through the valley with them their final weeks of life.  Even through the deepest part of my sadness, there was much peace, comfort, and assurance of God's love.  Death was the door to life and I knew that, but that head knowledge became real to me when I was there in those final moments with my parents.  It changed my life.  

Jesus' followers only had to wait through Holy Saturday before seeing Him again.  Easter was coming, they just didn't know it yet.

We are still waiting in the garden with our losses, fears, doubts and hurts.... I'm still waiting in the garden to see Jesus face to face.  I'm not alone.  We're not alone because the Holy Spirit is with us and He waits too, with blessed assurance and hope.  

Spring continues all around us as signs that this is not the end.  When the sun comes up, it is a promise of a new day.  I may be still waiting in the garden by the tomb, but I know that Jesus is there with me patiently comforting me as I wait, renewing my spirit with hope that death is not the end.

Death has been conquered because of His great love for us!
Jesus is the resurrection and the life!  

Easter is almost here!  

The Dream Which Prepared Me

A couple of months before my Dad passed away I had a dream, a vision even you might say of something incredibly special.  It prepared me for the time of my father's passing when I could look back on those images I had and know God was with me.  He was taking care of my parents and I should have no doubts about that.

The images were in black in white.

The setting was heaven.

It was the day my Dad arrived in heaven.

Leading up to these images, my dad had been suffering a lot over the past 3 years.  Alzheimer's disease had stolen so much of the father I knew. It was brutal and cruel.  It stole his language skills.  It stole his memories.  It caused him to be feeble, unsteady on his feet and feel like he was in a deep dark place at times which I could never imagine.  We were his lights in the darkness in his time of need.  We were his champions.  His cheerleaders.  His steady anchors in a very scary unsettling time.  Our mom lit up his life every single time he was in her presence.  Their love for each other was quite something to behold.  It was like this precious gem or treasure to us.  Their love was so deep and selfless.  Staff at the Carriage Club talked about how special a couple they were all the time.

"I'm going to see my bride!" he'd tell the staff when he had to sign out of assisted living to walk over to see Mom in another building.
Replies were often, "Oh, I know you are going to see your sweetie pie!  She's waiting for you now!  Be good!"
He loved the banter back and forth with the staff.  They loved my parents.

Mom would giggle and smile when she saw him.  If she were asleep when Dad arrived, he'd let her sleep.  He knew she needed rest.  When she woke up he was there smiling at her.  Just like when living independently on their own in their own home, Dad was the one to wake her up from her naps.

Every visit was sacred time.

Mom his bride Christmas Day 2010

Every visit for me became sacred time as well.  This was true for both my parents.  I loved spending time with both of them no matter how sad either of their conditions became. They brought me joy so often and I longed to hear their laughs, see their smiles and hear their "I love you" one more time.  In my Dad's case, it helped me to see that he was still "Dad" underneath his illness.

Spending part of our weekends at the Carriage Club after Mom passed was something I always looked forward to with my brother.  We loved it when he had good days and joked with us.

A good day in February 2013 when he started to bounce back a bit.

We helped to bring his memories back to life.  We cherished him.  We loved him, hugged him, laughed with him, cried with him and made him feel like he was still our hero.

He was.

Easter 2012

He would always be that to my brother and I.  Our hero of a dad who poured out his love and life into us, his kids, Mom his bride, his friends and to the church and community he loved so dearly.  He was so special.  He was funny.  He was compassionate and strong, my anchor and security so often.  He was an ever present calming presence in my life too until the very end.

Alzheimer's truly broke my heart those first 2 months in 2013.  It had already done a pretty good job of doing so the past 3 years.  Watching the decline of your dad and the process of what he went through…..the fear, anxiety, confusion, paranoia and loss of complete control of his life was like a spear in my heart.  There is nothing we could do to stop it. Alzheimer's was not about to slow down at this point.  So we did everything we could do to soften it, to love, to bring joy, to validate, to affirm and we became very good at living in the moment and appreciating every single tiny blessing along the way.

My dad had fallen and bumped his head at the end of December.  He required a trip to the ER to get his head checked out which turned into another trip to the ER the next day and then followed with a case bronchitis.  I was worried about him. My brother was worried about him.  This was a tough blow and I had never seen my father unable to feed himself before or look at me and not respond when I was talking to him directly.  He would stare off into space like I was not there when he was so sick with the bronchitis.  He basically could not stand on his own.  He did not have a lot of strength at all and ever single bit of strength going to his healing seemed to leave his mind fast behind.  That's when the wheel chair was ordered, the lift, and the hospital bed.  All of which he needed desperately but all of which crushed me silently.  Dad was slipping deeper into stage 6 of dementia, a place none of us ever wanted him to reach.

The step down was as if a light had been turned off in my father's brain.  It was one of the scariest things I'd ever seen happen to my dad.

I cried another ocean of tears for him those months.

This vision I had truly came to me from above I think, to prepare me for what was coming.  As I look back now I can see that clearly.  It was preparing me for his death to come almost 3 months later, the day after Palm Sunday.  It was preparing me with hope.
It was giving me a tiny glimpse of what that hope might look like in this finite mind of mine.

The scene was like this……

My dad enters heaven.  He looks like he's 20 years old. He's well.  He doesn't have any disease or illness.  He is the spitting image of good health.  He is restored.  He is standing there facing Jesus.  Jesus has on a white robe.  My dad is in jeans and a plaid shirt.  His jeans are rolled up a notch at the foot.  He has on loafers.  They greet one another and they embrace.  Jesus has his arm around Dad and Dad has his arm on Jesus' shoulder.  They are talking, smiling and laughing. I have NO idea what they are saying to each other.  You can tell they have a relationship.  They are patting each other on the arm like they have known each other for years.   Jesus is my dad's dear friend.

Picture my dad sent to my mother .while was in the Navy

Then the scene switches.  Jesus and Dad are still standing there but over Jesus' right shoulder my mother appears in the distance.  She's wearing clothing from the 1950's.  She looks like she is 23 years old.  She has a smile on her face.  She does not wave.  She just stands there and waits.

Dad stops talking with Jesus and looks over Jesus' shoulder with amazement.  His eyes open wide.  That million dollar smile my daddy always had ensues.

"ETHEL??"

My mom responds, "JOE?!!" (She's been with Jesus for awhile now.)

He looks up to Jesus' face and Jesus says with a smile and gleam in his eye, "It's ok, Joe.  Go ahead," just like a parent would do.

My dad gives him a smile and a wink, squeezes Jesus' hand and mouths a "thank you" and Dad takes off running in those jeans and loafers.

My mom starts running toward Dad.

They meet with an embrace as my daddy delivers the swing hug of a lifetime.
A heavenly swing hug.

They are SMILING and SO HAPPY!
There is no Type 1 diabetes.  There is no Non Hodgkins Lyphoma.  There is no dementia.

Then the visions stops.

That is all.  There is nothing else.

Those images of my parents young, happy, at peace, and with their Lord brought me so much peace at this time of uncertainty and trial with Dad.  I thought about it and saw this in my head several times.
I simply held on to it and could not forget it.

In my Grief Share class I shared it.  I cried when I did.  It was this special gift from God which calmed me.  I knew Dad missed Mom.  We all knew it well even if he did not express it well.

Now my parents are together.  They are in the presence of their Lord. One day they will be completely renewed.  I'll see them again.  I will and this brings me so much comfort.

Thankful Each Day is New

Photo by Judith Poston Crovi  taken at Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens Spring 2012

It's a new day!  (I need a new day....don't we all?)

Thank you Lord for letting me begin again fresh.

Whatever You need me to do today Lord,

I pray you give me the strength to do it (and with a good 

attitude) as well as your peace and comfort as we walk out 

this day together, You and I.

Amen.

Mother's Day

This is my first Mother's Day without my mom.

It feels strange.

It feels so not normal.

It really is the oddest feeling in this heart of mine.

There is a void within.... yet it is filled with her love.

There is a lonely feeling deep inside.... yet I know I'm not alone.

There is a loss that is so deep it is hard to put into words.... and yet I'm smiling more these days than crying when I think of her.  I still DO cry, but I feel more of a warmth inside with all of our fond memories these days and I cherish those more than ever.

It's still difficult.  I just want to celebrate my mother and I can't the way I want to.

I want to celebrate with a hug, a card, a smile, us laughing together,  flowers,  sharing a meal together, just talking and spending time.  I physically want to be in my mom's presence and I can't.

When your mom is just a friend like no other friend on the planet, it is an eerie, odd, not normal thing to not have that loving presence you have always had in your life from the beginning.  

I can hear her voice so clearly most days in my head and I feel that love she always had for me so strongly.

I still want to give her a hug and that does not make it any easier.  I will always want that hug and want to return that hug too.

I look around me and I am reminded of her everywhere.  Her blanket is on the footboard of my bed.  It's been here since the day she passed away.  I have photos around our house.  There is family furniture which I've had in my life since as far back as I can remember.  I look outside and I see yellow Iris everywhere.  Those Iris came from her flower beds in the house I grew up in.  They have been so beautiful these past few days.  I used to bring her these in April after she and Dad downsized to the condo and she didn't have a yard anymore.  She would see the bouquet of yellow or purple in my hand and she would know exactly where they came from.... I loved to see her smile when she received flowers.

This past week I've been thinking about our last Mother's Day celebration... we had just come home from Chetola spending a week there at her and Dad's time share.  We all had our Chetola shirts on and she was all smiles that day.  Frail and weaker than usual, but still very much herself.   I didn't know at the time it would be her last Mother's Day with us.

I miss everything about her....and I always will.  A mother's love never leaves us.  I am finding this to be true even 10 months later without her.  I am finding it true with my dad too and it has been only 6 weeks since he died and joined Mom in heaven.

She was the best mom in the world to me.  No one loved me like she did and no one ever will again.  Double that feeling now especially that my daddy is no longer here either.  To miss both of your parents so much..... and to learn to live without them is something I may never totally get used to.

I'm learning though that God just transforms that love Mom always showed me into a love that sustains me at times in my grief.  His love for me given through an incredible forever mom....  it has been such a gift.  I can honestly say that I feel her love within me so strongly, like I wasn't sure I would.  Experiencing the death of someone so close totally changes your life.  My mom changed my life from day one when she saw me at the adoption agency and said, "Yes" to me as her daughter.  She changed my life for the better each and every year I was her daughter.  She brought me so much joy and made me feel so special.  

I am still her daughter.  
I will always be Ethel's daughter.  
Her love is so woven into who I am.  I carry it around in my heart all of the time and this is what makes me smile when I think of her.  

The memories are so sweet.  The time shared so cherished.  45 years God allowed her to be in my life.... 

I will still want my "Moma hugs" no matter what.... 
I will always miss that relationship we had.... 

Happy Mother's Day Mom..... your first in heaven and you didn't have to miss one without Dad!  

I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck!

To all of you daughters out there missing your moms.... I am saying a prayer for you.  Mother's day without your mom is not easy and I pray that the memories you have of your mother which make you smile will comfort you.  You are not alone.  There are many of us who remember and reminisce and wish we could still give our moms hugs too. 

Our Alzheimer's Journey Has Ended

Our journey with Alzheimer's Disease has ended.  We finished it with love.  We finished it well through our many tears, our heartbreak, and our thankfulness and blessings all wrapped up into one.  Sometimes I can't believe I am still standing, but I am and my heart may be a bit rough around the edges in places, and that's ok.  My life has been changed forever through this journey with Dad.

My daddy passed away March 25, 2013 in the wee hours of that Monday morning.  In those moments he said "goodbye" to the world of Alzheimer's forever and said "hello" to his new everlasting life with Christ in heaven. 

It is kind of surreal to know the journey has ended.  It has been the most incredibly challenging, heart wrenching journey I have ever been on.   It is also the most rewarding, honorable path I've ever walked.... the highest calling God has asked of me in my adult life.  The calling of being a "daughter".  

"Daughter"....there is so much wrapped up in that word for me personally.  It has meant everything to me because my parents and their love have meant so much to me my entire life.  I have realized the calling of daughter was not for a faint heart.  It has required more of myself than being a wife or mother.  That may sound strange as those are huge callings as well and ones I take seriously, but being a daughter and walking beside my hero through thick and thin to the very end has taken me places no other experiences in life have.  There have been so many practical "new" things I have learned in life which I would not have experienced now without being in the role of "daughter, steward, representative and advocate".  There is no other place I would have wanted to be for the past few years.  No where except beside both of my parents.   I have never looked at my role as a chore....even when tasks seemed daunting and insurmountable.  We got through them together or with the help of family and dear friends.  

It has been an honor.
It has been a privilege.
It has been a joy....to walk hand in hand with my dad.... and my mother.  

The journey has taught me so much.  I've learned more about myself than I want to know I think at times.  I've learned I am extremely loyal and must be pretty patient.  I have learned my primary spiritual gift is not teaching.  It is encouragement and showing mercy to others.  I have found out what lengths I will go to protect and champion a frail and feeble parent.  I have found out I am stronger than I think I ever was, even though many times I felt like I was losing control of my life so many times on the inside.  

In short the disease has tested me to the core of my being.  It has crushed my spirit at times and made me feel true despair.  It has opened my eyes to the suffering of another human being who lived daily with the slow agonizing process of losing his mind and all that goes with that....  the paranoia, the anxiety, the fear, the shame and embarrassment of losing his memories, the confusion, the desperation, the loneliness....

Watching these struggles for 4 years has been unforgettable.  I think this journey has made a mark on me for life!  I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.  This entire experience has changed my life forever.   It truly has been a long goodbye.  There were huge and little losses along the way which we grieved hard.  Every single step down my dad took I grieved with all my heart and soul.  I have written about many of these step downs and one day I may publish these posts.  Our grief with dad was ongoing.  It never really stopped for very long.  Just when the plateaus would occur and things leveled out, we were still waiting for "the other shoe to drop".  We constantly seemed to be waiting for the next step down though we continually and selfishly hoped it would never ever come.  There was a constant sense of loss with him each year.  Things Dad could do in 2010 he couldn't do in 2011 and so on.  From 2011 on, my brother and I could see off in the distance the "train wreck" waiting to happen before it happened.  We had a lot of anticipatory grief of what Alzheimer's would do to our father eventually, how it would affect him physically and emotionally and everyone who loved him closely.  

One of the main things Alzheimer's has etched into my heart is love.  We loved in the moment.  We found and brought joy to Dad in the moments we were with him.  He would never remember our visits or that we were there sometimes after leaving him.  Love taught me it didn't matter that he forgot.  We spent our time with him and made him feel loved and valued while we were with him.  WE knew we were there and would remember we had been there, even if he didn't.  I know it has to be extremely excruciating for family members to continually visit their loved one when they are left with only a shadow of the person they once knew.  Some think it too unbearable or not worth their time due to their loved ones state of dementia, so they stop coming as frequently to see them.  I think if our circumstances had been different, and Dad had lost even more of himself, we would have been faced with similar questions.  "Do we keep physically loving with our presence, even if he doesn't know who we are or that we are even here?"  It is a place no one wants to be with their loved one..... but I think Tom and I would have continued to see our dad no matter what, because of one simple reason..... he was still OUR dad and we loved him.  That love we have always had, does not disappear even if our hearts are full of pain.

Of course there are always things to be thankful for along the journey.  I found my own mental state of mind and well being rested on finding the silver linings along the way.  Those pieces of the journey we could hold on to and smile, laugh, or be comforted by were so important to me.  A journey like Alzheimer's can leave you feeling like there is little or no hope.  I knew my dad was not going to be cured of this disease.  God showed me so many times along the way these little gifts in my daddy, which I cherish to this day.  Whenever Dad would light up with his smile at the sight of us, or when we showed him photographs of the family it was worth every single second of our time.  We lived for those smiles, his words of love, and if we could make his day in any form or fashion we certainly tried.  He most certainly made many of our days!  God truly was so good to us in allowing the most important parts of Dad's personality and core of who he was as a person to remain.  His love for his family.  His joyful spirit.  His gratitude of others and their service.   

My precious "Papa Bear" was an inspiration to many folks and to many who cared for him in those 20 months in the Memory Care building at the Carriage Club.  The very next day after his death, nursing aids told me they were already missing him.

They miss his smile.... his gratitude....and his joyful,  fun-loving spirit.

I miss everything about my daddy.  
Absolutely everything.

There has never been anyone who has loved me like he did....and there will never be anyone who will love me like that ever again.   

That is from where my heartbreak stems.  The relationship with my hero which I've had all this time is what I will miss so much.

I will miss the gentle reassurance in his words, his laugh, his strength that made me feel so safe, the whispered I love yous, the loving affirmation of being his daughter, his joking antics, his integrity, his joy and the love I always felt from him.  I will also miss our time together.

Dad was so brave....  so very brave though this journey.  He had an inner strength which shone through at times when the disease would allow it.  It was those glimpses of who he used to be that I hung on to with all my heart.  Those were like little messages from God saying to me, "Underneath this illness, your daddy is still the same man he has always been.  I did not forget your Dad and his memories are safe with me."  These peeks back into yesteryear were all such gifts to me.

I can also say that we were spared the agony of stage 7 of dementia.  The stage where your loved one loses his ability to talk, swallow well, walk,  feed himself, be continent and basically is at the mercy of someone else to do absolutely everything for him.  We have seen those in stage 7 in my mother's building before she died.  We saw them frequently in Dad's building as well.  Wheelchair bound unable to really move at all, unable to communicate or really smile.  Heartbreaking for the person with the illness and for the family.  Dad only had to go through stage 7 of Alzheimer's for 4 days.  That is all.... just 4 days.  He had elements of stage 6 and 7 from right after Christmas 2012 until the last week of his life when he had a mini stroke and literally "fell off the cliff of stage 7".  I was selfishly so grateful Dad never had to go through months or years of the last stage of dementia.

So many blessings at the end and throughout the journey.  One day I plan on writing more about specifics of the journey.  I do not want to forget where I have been.   Sometimes I wonder what in the world is next for me?  There is a huge void since the passing of my parents only 9  months apart.  Being their advocate, helper and caregiver has been a part of my every day life for the past 4 years.   Where do I go from here?  I don't know yet.  In time I believe I will figure that out.  I do think though my life will have to include helping others on their journey with Alzheimer's or aging parents because the Lord has taught me too much and blessed me too much to keep it all to myself.  I have such a love for the elderly.  My mom helped instill that in me as a child long ago.  I also now have an appreciation and love for those with dementia which I never had before.  Time will tell where my life goes next and where new doors will open.

We are most grateful for your prayers in our loss of our Dad~Joe and our Mom~Ethel.
I find joy in knowing my parents are together once again, but this time without all of their physical ailments and illnesses.  I know they are so happy to be with the Lord and each other!

We can feel your prayers and please know that God is faithful to walk with you on what ever journey you may be on. He walked with us in both of my parent's cases and trials of Type 1 diabetes, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma and Alzheimer's.... through every valley, hill, puddle, storm and mountain. He is faithful to see you through whatever trials you may be facing because of His great love for you! 

Great is His faithfulness!
Amen.

Love,
Judith

New Life

Everywhere I look lately are the signs of new life.....
....spring arrives officially in four days.

Flowers are appearing everywhere.  Many are my favorites.

Trees are awakening with buds and the most intricate blooms which just take my breath away when I look through the camera lens.

How could anything so tiny and full of detail be so delicate, graceful, and complex?

.....only the Lord could create such beauty.

"Don't forget about new life....." are words I hear.  I'm thinking about those words a lot lately.   There is new life all around me, but there is new life to come too in heaven.

My daddy has pneumonia.  It is a hard time for him right now, because Alzheimer's is a huge road block to his healing.  Yes, I'm thinking a lot about new life this week.  Sometimes I wonder if I should look at his disease a different way these days.  Instead of Alzheimer's winning as it continues to steal him away, maybe I should have a different perspective.... "heaven is winning...." and in the end whenever that may be, Daddy is walking closer to heaven every day.  He IS winning in the eyes of eternity because God is renewing the imperishable every day as the perishable continues to fade before him.  We are all walking toward eternal life either with or without our Lord.   Life continues day by day for us until we breathe our last breath here and step over the threshold from this life we know to the  next.  My daddy will be greeted on the other side of the horizon with "Welcome!"  I can just hear it now, "You're here!!!  I'm so happy!  Well done my good and faithful servant."

This hope does not take away my sadness watching my dad suffer from his illness and now added illness on top of what he daily battles.  It does not make his journey of Alzheimer's any easier or stop the continual losing of his mind.  It doesn't take his pneumonia or many other health challenges away,  but it HELPS me COPE better with life's situations that are not easy and COMPLETELY out of my control.

New life....

So thankful for new life all around me.....

If the Lord God cares so much about what He created in nature all around us, why would he not care even more for us?

The answer is.....
....He does.

Jesus told us not to worry.
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?..... "Matthew 6:26

He loves us more than the birds, budding trees, and blooming flowers in all of their splendor.   He gave up His very life for us so we could have that new life He promises for all eternity.   John 3:16  just means even more when I look through my camera lens at my Bradford pear blossoms and the trees blooming in the special places I love and appreciate close to my home and my heart.

I remember the hope we have in Christ.
Easter is coming!
May Easter's hope bring a renewed joy to our lives!

Your Love Never Fails

Romans 8:38-39

"For I am convinced that neither life nor death,
neither angels nor demons,
nor the present nor the future,
nor any powers, nor height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

(Photos by Judith Crovi)

I went to see my dad this afternoon.  Tom and I like to go see Dad on Sundays.  I picked some hyacinths and daffodils for Dad from my front yard to replace the last bunch I'd brought him a week ago.  I wanted to leave a hyacinth with my mom above her niche.  I had placed a daffodil there last weekend during special family time, when my aunts were at the columbarium.  I had brought a hyacinth then too, but lost it out of my purse some where between the sanctuary of the church and the columbarium.  So impulsively I decided to just stop by the columbarium on the way to dad's.  I decided once the car was parked at the church that I'd take more than one flower to the niche.
....two hyacinths one from me, one from Tom and a daffodil from Dad....one different from the one last week.

When I walked into the garden I started taking photos.  I didn't even walk right up the wall of the chapel right away.  I was looking at the tree buds....

And the angel fountain...

What I didn't expect was waiting for me..... I knew this day would come.  We'd been waiting for 7 and a half months.  The engraving of Mom's name on her and Dad's niche.

There is was, etched in stone.

I clasped my hand over my mouth and started to sob.

It was so beautifully done.

Yet to stand there and look at your parent's birth and death dates carved in stone, somehow feels surreal.  How can this be?  I feel like I just was with her.  I feel like I was just laughing with her and my sons.  We were playing UNO or scrabble or going over to see Dad and having some family time. Is she really gone?  It's been almost 8 months, yes of course she is not here.  I have accepted that.

Yet, today it felt real, like a piece of the very stone I was staring at had hit me all of a sudden.

Those letters etched in stone...

seem so incredibly more final than anything else these past eight months.

My mom is not here.  Yet the ashes of those loving arms and hands which literally brought me home from the adoption agency, have held me, hugged me, changed my diapers as a baby, drove me to school, signed my report cards, wrote in my birthday cards, made meals for our family, sewed and made so many of my clothes as a child, rocked my grandsons, and held their hands, loved my dad and served and honored him for almost 60 years and just made everything so beautiful are behind that stone rectangle.

I hear those words "Don't weep for me..... I'm not here."

Yet I still weep....

I miss my Mom.

She is not here.
Yet all I need do is look up....and the Lord meets me in this fresh grief once more.  Those letters carved in stone also mean something else....  she is with the one and true Lord who comforts all of us in our times of grief and mourning.

Mom is with her Lord and Savior.

Pastor Jeff gave us Scripture today at church related to death and eternal life.
"I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand."
John 10:28-29

Mom's future is secure.

Isaiah 49:15-16 says, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;...."

Mom is forever the Lord's and He her treasure.

This of course brings me great hope and I long for heaven more than I ever have in my life.  Once you lose some one so very close whom you know loved the Lord and lived a life of faith,  you feel like heaven is just not that far away from you.  It's closer than any of us could ever imagine.

I can't lose sight of the prize that is to come!

Mom would not want any of us to do that.

She would also want us to keep smiling and living for Him!  Life is too short here on this present earth to not share the love of Christ which He pours into us, with other people.

"Be happy!", she would say.
"Live your life!  Use your gifts!  Thank your Lord for it all!"

I think she would be ok with my weeping too though.

I know she would weep for Dad, for Tom, for her sisters and niece, for her grandsons, for Mike and myself.

This song was played on the radio, FOUR times on various radio stations for that matter, while I was driving to and from Dad's this afternoon.  Let's just say I can't get the song out of my head now.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God....

It is based on Romans 8:38-39, which I have at the top of this post.

"His love never fails, it never runs out, it never runs out on me..... " as the song goes.  It doesn't run out on any of us.
And it certainly did not run out for Mom when she died.  God's love goes on and on and on....

Seeing her name etched in stone is hard.  Yet I just look at the flowers above her name and I remember and I weep and I know she lives on..... and will see her again.

Mom's Orchid

I'm not sure what it is about flowers and our family, but it has happened again....

Comfort during a time of grief.... and yes it is another flower bringing comfort.  

This time it is comfort for my brother Tom and my mom's older sister Willie Mae....

It is not a sunflower this time either, which comforted me recently and is my favorite flower.

It is one of my mother's favorite flowers.... an orchid.

Mom and Dad in Hawaii in 1992

Mom's love of orchids came from newly wed years in Hawaii in the mid 1950's with Dad while he was in the Navy.

On my Mom's last birthday (her 82nd) her big sister gave her a beautiful white orchid.

Mom and Willie Mae on Mom's last birthday

We have all given Mom orchids over the years.  Jenny, Barbara, Willie Mae, Dad, myself.... They did better at the condo when Mom and Dad were living there. Mom did well keeping them pretty.  At the nursing home,  they were gorgeous for a time, but after they bloomed out, we always had trouble getting them to stay alive or to bloom again if the leaves remained.  There was something about her room there that was problematic.

The day Mom died, Tom took the last orchid Mom had left in her room home with him.  The stalk where the flowers had bloomed was all dried up and dead.  He put it in a window at his apartment and watered it during the summer and fall.  He's never had a green thumb he says with orchids.  Many other plants he's had tremendous success with.  The orchid however, has always been a botanical challenge.  He really didn't expect anything to happen with it.  There were still 3 green leaves left to the plant, but he really didn't think it would bloom again.  However, he had nothing to lose by putting it in the well lighted window either.

What we didn't realize until just about a week ago, was which orchid this one was.  By looking back at photos Tom and I realized that this one he took home that day was Mom's birthday orchid from Willie Mae!

Tom showed me his photo of the orchid in January.  It was the most precious sight!  I was so touched.  He was too.  What a neat surprise gift!  Thank you once again God for these little gifts which mean so much.  It has been a big comfort to my brother during this time.   It is like part of Mom is right there and her love is inside those little buds and blooms.  Hope is there.  Hope of new life.  Anticipation of beauty in those blooms to come.

I want to share these photos my brother took with you, so you can see how this all evolved.  It truly is a beautiful sight!

Willie Mae, these photos are for you.   We love you so much!  I know you will be as thrilled as we are!! Tom is enjoying your birthday gift you gave Mom.  Would Mom have wanted it any other way?  I don't think so...

December leaves 

and January buds

First bloom

My favorite.... Four blooms with our February snow in the background.

Tom says there are 5 blooms open today.

I'm going to go see it soon.

So thankful for these comforts when you miss someone so much.  Every time a bloom opens it's blessed reassurance.  It is Mom saying, "Hi Darlin', I love you!  I'm still here, I'm just in a different place!  I'm alive, you will see me again. I can't wait to see you too!   Just look to heaven and Christ, who made this beautiful orchid and there I am.  I promise we'll be together again one day.  Keep living your life with joy!  

God does care about our suffering and losses and He most definitely gives us a hope for a future- one which is alive, well, and beautiful in Him.

Sparking Our Imaginations During Lent

~First Sunday in Lent~

Oswald Chambers writes about our imaginations in My Utmost for His Highest.  He poses a valid question "Is our imagination stayed on God or is it starved?"

"Is your imagination stayed on God or is it starved?  The starvation of the imagination is one of the most fruitful sources of exhaustion and sapping in a worker's life.  If you have never used your imagination to put yourself before God, begin to do it now.  It is no use waiting for God to come; you must put your imagination away from the face of idols and look unto Him and be saved.  Imagination is the greatest gift God has given us and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him.  If you have been bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, it will be one of the greatest assets to faith when the time of trial comes, because your faith and the Spirit of God will work together.  Learn to associate ideas worth of God with all that happens in Nature- the sunrises and the sunsets, the sun and the stars, the changing seasons, and your imagination will never be at the mercy of your impulses, but will always be at the service of God."

(Taken from My Utmost for His Highest  February 11 entry Copyright 1935 Dodd Mead & Company)

Nature is such a gift to us.  

This lenten season our family personally needs to feed our imaginations.  We're turning off the technology more frequently which competes for our attention.  Then taking that time to get outside even more than we normally do.  

We just had our first snowfall of the year.  Our youngest son, Philip has been praying for snow since January.  My little meteorologist has been tracking the weather with each storm that comes hoping winter rains will turn into snow.  

Yesterday it finally did and his words to me were, 
"Jesus brought the snow I prayed for!"  

There were so many smiles yesterday and today.

It wasn't enough to just watch snow falling, though I think our son would have been happy if that were his only option. 

When the flakes started appearing there was exuberant excitement and hurried questions of "Can I go outside now??"  He wanted to be in the middle of it, experiencing the flakes as they fell on his coat, his hands, his face.

Yesterday and today he was covered in snow!

Why does snow spark our God given gift of imagination? 
Is it because each and every snowflake that falls is different from the next one which touches the ground?

How could anyone but God do that?  

Is it the way it sits on tree branches...

as I photograph things close up...

Maybe it is just the wonderment and beauty of it all and knowing God created it to show us some of Himself.

Writer, George McDonald said it well, "If it were not for the outside world, we should have no inside world to understand things by.  Least of all could we understand God without these millions of sights and sounds and scents and motions weaving their endless harmonies.  They come out from His heart to let us know a little of what is in it."

Paul tells us in Romans 1:20 "For since the creation of the world, God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

God's ever loving presence in our lives... it surrounds us daily when we open our eyes to it.  Sharing in the faith of my 8 year old son also helps me have a renewed appreciation for that very presence.  Seeing the excitement of our first (yet small) Carolina snow this winter, in Philip's eyes, in his smile, and on his lips.  

This week of Lent, may our hearts be more steadfast on Him, feeding our imaginations through what He has created and being thankful for both of those gifts and for Him.