The Gaze Across the Room

Dad still looks at her now like he did then,

A gaze across the room with a smile on his face,
At this moment, to him, there is no one else in the room.
The world stands still and it is just the two of them.
She turns and smiles for the camera and doesn't even know,

She's being admired by her husband whom she loves so dearly.

Photo taken in the early to mid 1960's. 

I Love You Moma

There are many reasons why I love my mom.  

 They spread across a lifetime for me, much too numerous to list, like many single, colorful threads all intertwined together in a beautiful tapestry.  They run deep within this heart of mine.  Her love for me is part of the very fabric of my being, so often it feels like.  I have been truly blessed by her.  

How in the world did I ever deserve this kind of mother's love, her love?  I'll never know the answer to that question fully, but my life has been forever changed by it.  

She prayed for me... a daughter of her own.... before I was born, before she even knew me, she and Dad longed for a daughter, just like they had longed for a son, (my brother) two years before.  At seven weeks of age, she stepped into my infant life, gave me the gift of herself and took hold of my heart.  She's told me I may not have "grown under her heart, but in it".  The lessons of love began in her lap.... with her arms lovingly around me.  She is still teaching me so much about love, even today in her eighties.  

Today's Mother's Day celebration reminds me that there is so much more love to be given.  More life to be lived, despite any terminal cancer diagnosis or other medical issues that complicate that life.  There is more time to be shared.  I just don't know how much time I'll have with my mom this year. We continue to live each day with joy and smiles because it is what we have always done.  It is who we are as a family. We are going to keep living, putting one foot in front of the other each day with God's help.... with love, grace, and yes, laughter along the way.  She and I will thank God for that love and many blessings along the way.  We don't want to miss a one!

 "Make sure you thank Him...." have always been her words. 

And she is right about that.... none of this would be possible with Him.

 One of my dearest girlfriends, gave me the sweetest and most meaningful compliment a couple of weeks ago after we received news about Mom's cancer re occurrence.  She said, "You are your mother's daughter." with a heart next to it. That meant the world to me....

Yes, my Moma is a gift.  A HUGE treasure given to me from God himself.  The most thoughtful, wonderful earthly gift I believe I've ever received from Him.... a Mom who loves me unconditionally.  

She is my forever Mom... always and forever.... "and ever" she would say to my brother and I.   

Happy Mother's Day!  

Running for His First Touchdown

Philip J. ran for his first touch down last night during game three of Victory Sports Flag football spring season.

What a moment for him!  

He couldn't believe he did it.  

I've seen him run those fields many times during his brother's football practices.  My son LOVES to run.  Sometimes he'll just run along the out of bound lines just because he wants to.  

He and his brother run our backyard quite a bit as well.  Big brother chasing younger brother with the football.  They keep a pretty good pace with one another.

 This was a great lesson for Philip in listening, following through, and giving your best last night.  When coach tells you to run the ball down the side lines because it is wide open and you listen and give it your best, amazing things can happen. 

Thank you Victory Sports!  Being a part of the Victory family really is a wonderful thing.  It's a an awesome setting for a child to learn team building, sports skills, and learn about the Lord all in one place.  I'm so grateful for what Greg and Mia's ministry has provided for our sons.  

Philip we are so proud of you!  Next game Thursday May 17 on the Flint Hill Fields. 

When You Wish You Were Wrong

Mom and Joseph in Blowing Rock, NC Spring of 2003

There are some times in life when you desperately wish you were right about something.  Something that means a lot to you.  Maybe a dream.  Maybe a dream about another person... a person you love dearly.  And there are sometimes when we want a different outcome in a situation we can do nothing about,   We don't know the answer to a huge question  flooding our minds.  We know the possible answers and none of them look good.  We also know the answer we want least to come to pass.  We wish that we are wrong about what our heart deep down is telling us.  We pray and we ask God to let this not come to pass.  Then we receive the answer to that huge question we have been pondering and we wish we were wrong in every way possible.

My Mom has cancer again.  We're assuming it's Non Hodgkins Lymphoma again.  Without a biopsy it's impossible to know, but we are not going to put her through that invasive procedure to find out.  This will be her fourth time with cancer.  Yesterday her oncologist  told us there is nothing he can offer her in the form of treatments to put her back into remission.  Nothing.  Yet there is God.  There is love.  There is hope beyond what I can ever see with these eyes and my Moma knows this and believes this with all of her heart.

 It will be Hospice care moving forward.....  We have dealt with Hospice before for 15 months starting in 2009 with her.  So many people prayed for her during this time. What we thought was a diagnosis of "months" to live then, turned into over 3 happy, wonderful years with her.  She bounced back and they took her off Hospice in May of 2010.  I know how wonderful Hospice caregivers and nurses are.  I have met many of them.  They helped Mom and especially my daddy deal with a very uncertain time in 2010.  We may see some familiar faces again, only God knows.  I think maybe because I've dealt with this before, I'm not totally shocked by the word "Hospice".  Here we are again three years later.  I am heartbroken and saddened  all over again, but I have been strengthened from our past experiences.  I still wish I was wrong about her diagnosis.  There is no doubt about that, but I also know she is going to be in good hands and around loving people.  The staff in her building at the retirement community have a soft spot in their hearts for her.  The nursing supervisor has told me this.  I made some people very sad yesterday when I had to give them the news.  I don't like making people sad!

Mom is the biggest inspiration in my life.  She always has been.  She is the bravest person I know and always has been because of the life she has led.  God has been so good to me to give me a mama like her! Chosen by her..... always chosen by her.

My mother- in- law, Grace told me something that Father John shared in one of his sermon's at church during the Lenten Season.  He talked about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.   What a blessing for her to share this with me. We both shared a tear or two!  I can think back on this just two weeks ago and it is SUCH A COMFORT to me.  I love her so.  She is my second Mom.  Yes, I truly do have two mothers!  She is also inspires me in so many ways with the way she loves other people.

God really does prepare our hearts for those things He wishes for us to remember about his love for us.

This is what Father John talked about:

Jesus asked His father in the garden of Gethsemane to take what he was about to face away from him.  He wanted him to take the cross from him.  He prayed fervently for him to do so, yet God did not answer his prayer in the way his heart desired at that moment.  That very prayer of his only Son.....and Jesus prefaced his prayer with "yet not my will, but yours be done."  Even in Jesus' complete anguish he prayed that His Father's will be done because He is sovereign and He had a plan.

Oh my.... oh my.....

How many times have I asked God to take away my burdens or answer my prayers in a specific way and I not receive what I prayed for because He has something else in mind?  I forget that Jesus knows EXACTLY how that feels.  Oh how He knows how it feels when God's plans are bigger than our wants and prayers!  Jesus had to suffer through the biggest of trials, bearing the sins of us all.  When we face our biggest trial He understands what it is like to walk that road.  I'm still asked to pray and ask and seek His face.  We don't always know His will for our lives, so we must continue to pray those prayers that go so deep within our hearts. He tells us to "Seek, Ask, and Knock".  For me right now it is about cancer and Alzheimer's and the healing of my parents.  Will they be healed of their diseases?  I don't know.  Even if deep down my heart says, "I don't think so", it's something I'm hoping I'm wrong about.  My faith comes in knowing God can heal.  I just don't know if He will.  It doesn't make me love God any less or think He loves my parents less if He doesn't heal them.  I know He loves them.  I have no doubt.

We do not know the number of our days, what our journey will be even to the end.  I just have hope in knowing what happens after our journey here on this earth ends.  I believe I have a Father in heaven who will lovingly wrap His arms around me and welcome me into His kingdom with His Son Jesus forever.  I have to remember His arms are around me even now.  They are around my mother now too and all of us who walk with her through this.  I don't want my Moma to have cancer.  I don't want my Daddy to have Alzheimer's.  I haven't wanted my Mom to have had diabetes for 63 years.  I didn't want my brother to be struck down by a drunk driver on his bicycle 3 years ago.  There are some big things I didn't ever want to happen, yet they did.  I don't know why God allowed those things to happen, but I do know He never abandoned us through any of those times we have suffered.   I am confident He will always be with us.  It's one thing He has always promised.

So cancer is the path my Mom will walk as she gets closer to heaven.  It is what I was hoping I was wrong about more than anything.  Yet, I'd rather walk this with God than without Him.  She would too.  I'm praying God's love and glory will be seen through it all.

There is still more living to do, more love to be given, more hugs and kisses to receive, and more memories to be made.

And there are two little boys who love Grandmama very much.

Grandsons have a way of making life better and I'm sure they will keep bringing her joy in the midst of it all.   Lord please keep us close to you and keep us close to each other.