This is my first Mother's Day without my mom.
It feels strange.
It feels so not normal.
It really is the oddest feeling in this heart of mine.
There is a void within.... yet it is filled with her love.
There is a lonely feeling deep inside.... yet I know I'm not alone.
There is a loss that is so deep it is hard to put into words.... and yet I'm smiling more these days than crying when I think of her. I still DO cry, but I feel more of a warmth inside with all of our fond memories these days and I cherish those more than ever.
It's still difficult. I just want to celebrate my mother and I can't the way I want to.
I want to celebrate with a hug, a card, a smile, us laughing together, flowers, sharing a meal together, just talking and spending time. I physically want to be in my mom's presence and I can't.
When your mom is just a friend like no other friend on the planet, it is an eerie, odd, not normal thing to not have that loving presence you have always had in your life from the beginning.
I can hear her voice so clearly most days in my head and I feel that love she always had for me so strongly.
I still want to give her a hug and that does not make it any easier. I will always want that hug and want to return that hug too.
I look around me and I am reminded of her everywhere. Her blanket is on the footboard of my bed. It's been here since the day she passed away. I have photos around our house. There is family furniture which I've had in my life since as far back as I can remember. I look outside and I see yellow Iris everywhere. Those Iris came from her flower beds in the house I grew up in. They have been so beautiful these past few days. I used to bring her these in April after she and Dad downsized to the condo and she didn't have a yard anymore. She would see the bouquet of yellow or purple in my hand and she would know exactly where they came from.... I loved to see her smile when she received flowers.
This past week I've been thinking about our last Mother's Day celebration... we had just come home from Chetola spending a week there at her and Dad's time share. We all had our Chetola shirts on and she was all smiles that day. Frail and weaker than usual, but still very much herself. I didn't know at the time it would be her last Mother's Day with us.
I miss everything about her....and I always will. A mother's love never leaves us. I am finding this to be true even 10 months later without her. I am finding it true with my dad too and it has been only 6 weeks since he died and joined Mom in heaven.
She was the best mom in the world to me. No one loved me like she did and no one ever will again. Double that feeling now especially that my daddy is no longer here either. To miss both of your parents so much..... and to learn to live without them is something I may never totally get used to.
I'm learning though that God just transforms that love Mom always showed me into a love that sustains me at times in my grief. His love for me given through an incredible forever mom.... it has been such a gift. I can honestly say that I feel her love within me so strongly, like I wasn't sure I would. Experiencing the death of someone so close totally changes your life. My mom changed my life from day one when she saw me at the adoption agency and said, "Yes" to me as her daughter. She changed my life for the better each and every year I was her daughter. She brought me so much joy and made me feel so special.
I am still her daughter.
I will always be Ethel's daughter.
Her love is so woven into who I am. I carry it around in my heart all of the time and this is what makes me smile when I think of her.
The memories are so sweet. The time shared so cherished. 45 years God allowed her to be in my life....
I will still want my "Moma hugs" no matter what....
I will always miss that relationship we had....
Happy Mother's Day Mom..... your first in heaven and you didn't have to miss one without Dad!
I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck!
To all of you daughters out there missing your moms.... I am saying a prayer for you. Mother's day without your mom is not easy and I pray that the memories you have of your mother which make you smile will comfort you. You are not alone. There are many of us who remember and reminisce and wish we could still give our moms hugs too.
