The Dream Which Prepared Me

A couple of months before my Dad passed away I had a dream, a vision even you might say of something incredibly special.  It prepared me for the time of my father's passing when I could look back on those images I had and know God was with me.  He was taking care of my parents and I should have no doubts about that.

The images were in black in white.

The setting was heaven.

It was the day my Dad arrived in heaven.

Leading up to these images, my dad had been suffering a lot over the past 3 years.  Alzheimer's disease had stolen so much of the father I knew. It was brutal and cruel.  It stole his language skills.  It stole his memories.  It caused him to be feeble, unsteady on his feet and feel like he was in a deep dark place at times which I could never imagine.  We were his lights in the darkness in his time of need.  We were his champions.  His cheerleaders.  His steady anchors in a very scary unsettling time.  Our mom lit up his life every single time he was in her presence.  Their love for each other was quite something to behold.  It was like this precious gem or treasure to us.  Their love was so deep and selfless.  Staff at the Carriage Club talked about how special a couple they were all the time.

"I'm going to see my bride!" he'd tell the staff when he had to sign out of assisted living to walk over to see Mom in another building.
Replies were often, "Oh, I know you are going to see your sweetie pie!  She's waiting for you now!  Be good!"
He loved the banter back and forth with the staff.  They loved my parents.

Mom would giggle and smile when she saw him.  If she were asleep when Dad arrived, he'd let her sleep.  He knew she needed rest.  When she woke up he was there smiling at her.  Just like when living independently on their own in their own home, Dad was the one to wake her up from her naps.

Every visit was sacred time.

Mom his bride Christmas Day 2010

Every visit for me became sacred time as well.  This was true for both my parents.  I loved spending time with both of them no matter how sad either of their conditions became. They brought me joy so often and I longed to hear their laughs, see their smiles and hear their "I love you" one more time.  In my Dad's case, it helped me to see that he was still "Dad" underneath his illness.

Spending part of our weekends at the Carriage Club after Mom passed was something I always looked forward to with my brother.  We loved it when he had good days and joked with us.

A good day in February 2013 when he started to bounce back a bit.

We helped to bring his memories back to life.  We cherished him.  We loved him, hugged him, laughed with him, cried with him and made him feel like he was still our hero.

He was.

Easter 2012

He would always be that to my brother and I.  Our hero of a dad who poured out his love and life into us, his kids, Mom his bride, his friends and to the church and community he loved so dearly.  He was so special.  He was funny.  He was compassionate and strong, my anchor and security so often.  He was an ever present calming presence in my life too until the very end.

Alzheimer's truly broke my heart those first 2 months in 2013.  It had already done a pretty good job of doing so the past 3 years.  Watching the decline of your dad and the process of what he went through…..the fear, anxiety, confusion, paranoia and loss of complete control of his life was like a spear in my heart.  There is nothing we could do to stop it. Alzheimer's was not about to slow down at this point.  So we did everything we could do to soften it, to love, to bring joy, to validate, to affirm and we became very good at living in the moment and appreciating every single tiny blessing along the way.

My dad had fallen and bumped his head at the end of December.  He required a trip to the ER to get his head checked out which turned into another trip to the ER the next day and then followed with a case bronchitis.  I was worried about him. My brother was worried about him.  This was a tough blow and I had never seen my father unable to feed himself before or look at me and not respond when I was talking to him directly.  He would stare off into space like I was not there when he was so sick with the bronchitis.  He basically could not stand on his own.  He did not have a lot of strength at all and ever single bit of strength going to his healing seemed to leave his mind fast behind.  That's when the wheel chair was ordered, the lift, and the hospital bed.  All of which he needed desperately but all of which crushed me silently.  Dad was slipping deeper into stage 6 of dementia, a place none of us ever wanted him to reach.

The step down was as if a light had been turned off in my father's brain.  It was one of the scariest things I'd ever seen happen to my dad.

I cried another ocean of tears for him those months.

This vision I had truly came to me from above I think, to prepare me for what was coming.  As I look back now I can see that clearly.  It was preparing me for his death to come almost 3 months later, the day after Palm Sunday.  It was preparing me with hope.
It was giving me a tiny glimpse of what that hope might look like in this finite mind of mine.

The scene was like this……

My dad enters heaven.  He looks like he's 20 years old. He's well.  He doesn't have any disease or illness.  He is the spitting image of good health.  He is restored.  He is standing there facing Jesus.  Jesus has on a white robe.  My dad is in jeans and a plaid shirt.  His jeans are rolled up a notch at the foot.  He has on loafers.  They greet one another and they embrace.  Jesus has his arm around Dad and Dad has his arm on Jesus' shoulder.  They are talking, smiling and laughing. I have NO idea what they are saying to each other.  You can tell they have a relationship.  They are patting each other on the arm like they have known each other for years.   Jesus is my dad's dear friend.

Picture my dad sent to my mother .while was in the Navy

Then the scene switches.  Jesus and Dad are still standing there but over Jesus' right shoulder my mother appears in the distance.  She's wearing clothing from the 1950's.  She looks like she is 23 years old.  She has a smile on her face.  She does not wave.  She just stands there and waits.

Dad stops talking with Jesus and looks over Jesus' shoulder with amazement.  His eyes open wide.  That million dollar smile my daddy always had ensues.

"ETHEL??"

My mom responds, "JOE?!!" (She's been with Jesus for awhile now.)

He looks up to Jesus' face and Jesus says with a smile and gleam in his eye, "It's ok, Joe.  Go ahead," just like a parent would do.

My dad gives him a smile and a wink, squeezes Jesus' hand and mouths a "thank you" and Dad takes off running in those jeans and loafers.

My mom starts running toward Dad.

They meet with an embrace as my daddy delivers the swing hug of a lifetime.
A heavenly swing hug.

They are SMILING and SO HAPPY!
There is no Type 1 diabetes.  There is no Non Hodgkins Lyphoma.  There is no dementia.

Then the visions stops.

That is all.  There is nothing else.

Those images of my parents young, happy, at peace, and with their Lord brought me so much peace at this time of uncertainty and trial with Dad.  I thought about it and saw this in my head several times.
I simply held on to it and could not forget it.

In my Grief Share class I shared it.  I cried when I did.  It was this special gift from God which calmed me.  I knew Dad missed Mom.  We all knew it well even if he did not express it well.

Now my parents are together.  They are in the presence of their Lord. One day they will be completely renewed.  I'll see them again.  I will and this brings me so much comfort.

Digitally Preserving Family Moments for a Lifetime - What the Singer Roadster Photos Have Taught Us

There is a beloved photo of Mom and Dad  in Hawaii, which our family has appreciated from 1953.  It was their "first" Christmas together.  It is by far one of my top 2 favorite photographs of them as newly weds.  It warms my heart every time I see it.  It captures our parents so well.

There are a few copies of it.  Maybe 5 at most none larger than 3 inches by 5 inches.  It is a photo we have digitized to preserve for decades to come for our family history.  My brother and I realize more and more in time why scanning and digitizing photographs is so very important and crucial in passing down a legacy and history to our loved ones.  We have had some failures in this department and some great successes.  We have learned that taking time to preserve family memories is worth every single minute you will spend at your scanner and computer.  Besides doing this for yourself, you are doing it for your kids and grandkids.  You will give them an incredible gift of memories of the love your family has shared through the years.

Here is a story about three particular family photos which have touched us .and taught us so many things about our parents and preserving family moments:

I'll start with the one we know and love best...

Christmas 1953 Hawaii

Merry Christmas from the Postons!

This photograph is so special in many ways to us.... we love everything it has captured.

The palm trees, the head band my mom is wearing and the flip flops, my daddy's aviator sunglasses gingerly tucked in his hand as he has his arm around Mom. The way Daddy leans in behind Mom making her front and center and their feet nonchalantly resting on the running board of the car.  They look relaxed, happy.  I see love in this photo.  They have their entire marriage ahead of them.  A marriage that would span the course of 59 years.

So many things just one photograph can tell you....

Looking back is so interesting......what we don't know from just looking at the photo is that this love would be the love of a life time.  A fairy tale type story of boy courts girl, boy joins the Navy, boy and girl are separated by thousands of miles, girl gets engagement ring from her sweetheart (presented to her by her "father in law to be" on behalf of her man).  Girl says, "yes" and accepts the ring.  Then letters and photos are exchanged for over a year and a half, until girl gets on her first jet plane to Hawaii to marry her Navy man.  They marry and live happily ever after.

This is what happened though.  It is such a wonderful story.  A story I'll always love to tell and a story of their lives they recounted to everyone and remembered with such fondness, even in their final years together.  When you mentioned Hawaii, their faces would light up like the sun! There was a sparkle in their eyes!  Hawaii was an unforgettable part of their lives.  It should be!  It was the beginning of their family story.  I can only imagine what a magical time it was for them. Yet it also had its newlywed challenges and normal bumps in the road as they lived very frugally not making much on a Navy man's salary and trying to figure this thing out called "married life".  Their challenges made them stronger and more appreciative of each other.  They were incredibly happy because they had each other.  They had a wonderful church family too at First United Methodist Church Honolulu, since they didn't have actual family close by and were very involved there and made tremendous life time friends.  When Dad's term with the Navy ended, he tried his best to stay on with the USN, but there was no work.  The Korean War was over and there were cutbacks to the military.  So Dad and Mom packed up and came back home to live out the rest of their love story.  Without this photo we would not have a window into that time for our parents.

My parents, of course, loved this photo, but my dad especially.  His strongest reason?
His lovely bride of course standing so beautifully by the car.  The second reason?
That car in front of which they are posing..... yes THAT car....

.....the Singer Roadster.

It was his commanding officer's car he had told us.  He was hired to take care of the car while his CO was on Christmas vacation in 1953.  Dad washed it, waxed it, and kept it in tip top shape for his commander. This is so typical of my dad's personality too.  He always, when left in charge of something, lovingly took care of it.  He left things better than he found them.  He had patience and really was serious about being a good steward of things he was given.  A trait he had his entire life which spilled over into all aspects of his life.  Ask any of his friends and they will tell you the same thing!  He was a wonderful example of God's stewardship and being thankful for the big and little gifts God bestowed to him and our family.

All this time we thought this was the only photo from that day.
It wasn't!

We have one of Mom posing behind the wheel of the Singer.   I scanned this slide taken the same day as the other one.   It was one of those big metal slides too,  so it was well in tact and our folks had a very secure metal box in which all of these slides from Hawaii had been stored!  Those boxes have been a huge blessings as most of these slides are 60 years old!!

Mom and Dad owned an actual slide projector and huge portable wall screen for viewing the slides.  I remember them setting it up in the living room and us watching some of the slides from our childhood.  The projector and screen are long gone.  The only way for anyone to see these slides again was to digitize them by scanning them to the computer.

Today my brother found a treasure which made us both smile so big that we could. barely. contain. ourselves!!  It was in a different box of slides from the one of Mom.  It had Mom's writing on it as a description "Sporty Joe- off hours".  Now who could resist scanning that one? Tom did and this is what he found....

Dad behind the wheel of his CO's Singer Roadster.

Probably in the CO's driveway.

Twenty-one years old.
The hair.
The aviator sunglasses.
The look on his face.
This is when I wish I had a time machine if only for a few moments.

Priceless.  Just priceless.  I wouldn't be surprised if Mom took the photo.  Having two more photos from that day gives us more insight about December of 1953!!

Dad talked about these moments for years and years to come and this particular CAR!  Oh the conversations through the years!  The Hemmings Motor News Magazines!  The reminiscing of happy times!  We loved it all!  His appreciation for automobiles as a hobby never lessened and he'd joke even at age 80 with Alzheimer's about this car!!  You would show him the black and white photo of he and Mom in his last months and he'd say "There's my car!"  We'd tease back, "You want that car??" He'd smile so big with a giant, "Yes!"  Amazing the moments Alzheimer's allows you to remember.  Special times with your sweetheart in an amazing place such as Hawaii!

So thankful for this treasure inside the life of my daddy today.  There is this entire other world before I knew him which so touches my heart through photographs.  It's good to know about my parents' lives before us kids became a part of them.

Our regrets are only that we did not start scanning these slides from Hawaii years ago. With every slide come questions from both my brother and I.  Questions we can only guess the answers to.  Answers we will never receive.

With that said, it really is important to ask your loved ones about times long ago!  Ask them what they are willing to share with you!

Write.  it.  all.  down.
Video their story.  Scan those slides.  Write on the back of photographs!
Digitize everything you possibly can and store it safely, backing it up to a hard drive or two!
Give the gift of digitizing photos to your family so they can have copies too!
It takes time, but is so worth it!

Documentation is important because one day you won't be able to ask those questions you want to!
It will be too late.  We put things off and put things off and think we'll get to them.  Do it now!  You won't regret it ever.  You will pass down a history to your children so that they can remember their grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, and parents.

Also don't forget your own story.  Make your story a part of the process.  Store it digitally.  Do the same thing with your current photos.  Label everything on your computer files!  (I'm not as good about this as I should be!)  I have easily 12,000 digital photos on my laptop.  This is not all of my photos either.  There are others on an external hard drive.  Between my brother and I combined we are well covered with back up files!

I've always loved photography and photographs.  I've always been sentimental.  Having walked a father through Alzheimer's Disease has taught me many great lessons.  One is the importance of preserving memories of loved ones.  This disease has changed my perspective on life forever!  It has shown me that preserving our moments with loved ones are priceless gifts for our families.  Mike's and my boys will have memories of their grandparents, us and themselves forever through photographs.

I cannot help but think of the joy these other two photos with the Singer Roadster could have brought our father as he was dealing with his illness.  Dad would have been put back in time to a very happy time and place.  I would have blown these photos up and hung them on his wall in his room.  We would have looked at them often.  With Alzheimer's you have to cling to every good thing you can.  Every happy memory that remains, every beloved moment your heart continues to embrace.  It is so important to foster that love and life that is so beautiful for the person suffering from the disease.  I believe Tom and I did that no matter what.  It became part of our refrain with Dad.  Looking at beloved photos we had digitized on the iPad or iPhone and laughing, smiling and loving him the best we possibly could every single visit we had with him.  Dad would have never been able to see these photos of his past in slide form.  The only way he would have clearly seen childhood, wedding or Navy photos were by us digitizing them.  You can fit thousands of photos on an iPad or iPhone and scroll through them easily like a photo album without worrying that you will damage your original photographs.  They are easy to share with others too.  Many residents and staff at the retirement community were shown the "Story of Mom and Dad" on Tom's iPad.  It touched people's hearts.  It gave us something wonderful to talk about in Mom and Dad's presence during visits.

Thank you to my brother who has done most of the legwork in this!

We learned so much along the journey of Dad's illness and are grateful, however, as my brother says, we don't want to remember Dad as he was with Alzheimer's as the person he truly was.  Alzheimer's was a huge shadow cast over who Dad was.  God allowed us to experience Dad's love, joy and thankfulness up until the last week of his life.  He kept his memories of who we were in tact which was a blessing.  Battling AD then was part of his story, but we want and need to remember him before that.  Like on his and Mom's 50th wedding anniversary!

His giant laugh.  His eternal optimism.  His joy.  Mom's gentleness and strength.  Her gracefulness and love.

Now we can see and imagine them as newlyweds...through digital technology.
To see your father at age 21 and your mother at age 23 so young and lively!  This slide is 60 years old!! I can close my eyes and step back in time and imagine.  I can hear their voices and see their smiles.

Their love was real. Photos from the beginning help us see it and we were witnesses to that love with our own eyes up until the end.  They never stopped looking at each other like they did from the beginning.  What a treasure to see this love transcend time through photographs!   61 years of being together from the first date "until death did they part", only to be reunited again, together always with their Lord Jesus Christ!

Our world needs to see God's love like this.  In a world full of heartbreak, failed relationships and divorce, we need to see marriages which transcend time and have happy endings.  That is why I don't mind sharing their story.  A love like my folks is a witness to others and gives others hope that a marriage can last a life time, yes with bumps along the way, trials, hardships, many BIG medical issues and more.  Love is greater than all of those trials.  Tom and I have seen it.  I believe it.  It takes work.  It takes sacrifice.  It takes lots of patience and understanding and endurance.  It takes a heavenly Father to guide the way.... and I personally believe a couple willing to follow Him.

I'll have these images to carry with me always.  So will our children.  A picture is worth 1,000 words.  It is true!  I will never tire of seeing their faces light up at each other in photographs.  We miss them every day!  Life is just not the same now without them in our daily lives.

On a side note.... something I'd like to ask Jesus.....so humor me for a moment.....
(I have so many questions by the way. )
"Do they have Singer Roadsters in heaven?" Just a question!  (LOL!)

Photo Credit:  www.automobilemag.com

If Jesus had a car he enjoyed driving I think my dad would like to take care of it for Jesus.  And I know he'd do a great job!  Jesus would probably take Dad and Mom on the road and I bet anything He'd let Dad drive! 

The Aquatics Scholarship Fund

The Joe Poston Scholarship Fund

Dad and his grandson, our Joseph learning to swim- age 3

The dream of a honoring my dad comes true today.....

It kind of sat back in the closet of my mind for a long time, probably a couple of years since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.   I wanted to honor him in some way, but didn't know how or what exactly that would look like.  Last year TO THE DAY (June 27th) I finally asked my daddy how he felt about a scholarship program to help kids and families learn to swim who could not afford swim lessons.  

His response?  "Hey, I like that.  I'd like to be a part of that.  I'd like to write a check, but I don't have my check book."  

I looked at him and told him as I had many times in the past, "Dad I have your checkbook. I'm helping you keep track of your finances and bills."  

His eyes got really big and wide with a smile, "YOU do??" and there was that joking personality of the daddy I'd always known, tainted by Alzheimer's disease, but still very much there.  He was having a "good day" on June 27th, 2012.  He was happy, so happy, and smiling.  He had more clarity of mind that day than in days past.

That clarity of mind was such a gift that day.  It was enough of a blessing to me to know that if my daddy had not had Alzheimer's we could have continued our discussion about this subject and dreamed together.

I would have much preferred it this way of course!  

We were sitting in my mom's room this particular afternoon, when I asked him about the Aquatics scholarship program.  Mom was so sick and it was an incredibly sad week for us as a family.  The moment my daddy walked into Mom's room that day, the gloom and sadness disappeared in those moments with his liveliness, joy, and love.  I'll never forget that.  Alzheimer's was protecting him from realizing just how sick his bride truly was.  It was evident to all of us and everyone around her, but him.  He knew she was not feeling well, but did not realize the severity of the situation.  He sat and held her hand for a long time.  

So I'm sitting here writing with some mixed emotions.  I am remembering parts of one of the saddest weeks of my entire life last year and yet those incredibly happy moments I had with dad.  

I am thinking it is amazing how that conversation turned into what is happening today!  How this entire dream to honor dad has come alive, taken off, and come true for the kids of today.

This is where we are:

The Joe Poston Scholarship Program has been established for the next 5 years.

The funds from Dad's gift to the YMCA of Greater Charlotte will be split equally between two branches:  Dowd in Uptown and Stratford-Richardson

What is taking place today is the Dowd piece.

Westerly Hills Academy is a Charlotte Mecklenburg School.  During the summer months it partners with First Presbyterian Church for a summer enrichment program.  Kids are identified who need extra help with math or reading skills and the camp provides instruction and academic enrichment for those kids during the summer morning hours. Then, in the afternoon there are field trips and activities for the 1st-4th graders.  There are 60 kids in this camp.

There is an interesting detail I learned in the winter, when my brother and I were speaking at the Dowd YMCA's board meeting to tell about the gift Dad had made and to tell some of his "Y Story".  Westerly Hills Academy Camp director had called the Y asking if they could partner with them on anything for their afternoons with the kids.  They were looking for some kind of sports or athletic type activity.  

The YMCA responded something like this:  "We actually can help you with that request.  We just received a generous donation from someone a few days ago and it is for aquatics.  Would you be interested in aquatics?"  This phone call was made the same week my brother and I sat down with the financial development people at the YMCA of Greater CLT and I made the donation on Dad's behalf.  

Wow!  Wow!  
Do you see how this just took off?  God is so amazingly wonderful!  There was a need of the camp children and the means of provision were there waiting literally right when they needed it!  

Now today, those 60 children from Westerly Hills summer enrichment program will be receiving 4 free swim lessons the month of July!  In addition to that, they will receive a towel, goggles, swim cap and bag because many families might not have the financial means to purchase those extra items which are nice for the kids to have when learning to swim.  

I am so excited!!  This piece of the scholarship will take place every summer starting today, through 2018.  

I am going to go to Dowd this afternoon with the boys to meet the director of the camp.
I've asked the Y for photos, because I want to document this for our family.  So hopefully I'll be able to post some photos later of the swim lessons.

The aquatics director is very excited!  She said it might be nice to have the Dowd "shaken up" a bit in a good way with children coming.  Dowd is an adult facility.  It is not a family YMCA.  So not a lot of kids around the pool area most of the time, except for swim lessons.  

So we're going to shake the Dowd up a bit today!  I say, "Ok!"  Dad would probably say, "Let's do it!!"  He would be on the pool floor cheering them on, talking with the instructors, watching it ALL!  Then a thought came to me and I changed my mind on that thought.  Dad would be "in" the pool too, with the kids.  He'd probably prefer to "be" one of the instructors if he were still alive and in good health.

I do not know how this gift will affect lives, but it is in God's hands.  It is His gift really.  I am praying that kids who were afraid of the water will conquer that fear.  I am praying too that because the kids will learn some basic skills this time around that they will want more instruction, that they will learn enough to be safer in the water and it will prevent a drowning one day.  Perhaps a parent who has been terrified of the water and had a bad experience will be inspired by their own children and the staff at the YMCA and will be willing to try swimming again so they can get in the pool with their kids.  Maybe they will think it's not too late for them to learn to swim either.  So many hopes and dreams.... 

I don't really know where this is all headed for the lives of the kids, but it is a door that is open.  An opportunity given.  I'm trusting God for the rest.


Make a big splash Westerly Hills Academy! Make a big splash for my dad!  

Most importantly make a big splash for yourself!  
You can do it!  You are unique and special and can do tremendous things!

More to come soon!  

Thankful Each Day is New

Photo by Judith Poston Crovi  taken at Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens Spring 2012

It's a new day!  (I need a new day....don't we all?)

Thank you Lord for letting me begin again fresh.

Whatever You need me to do today Lord,

I pray you give me the strength to do it (and with a good 

attitude) as well as your peace and comfort as we walk out 

this day together, You and I.

Amen.

Mother's Day

This is my first Mother's Day without my mom.

It feels strange.

It feels so not normal.

It really is the oddest feeling in this heart of mine.

There is a void within.... yet it is filled with her love.

There is a lonely feeling deep inside.... yet I know I'm not alone.

There is a loss that is so deep it is hard to put into words.... and yet I'm smiling more these days than crying when I think of her.  I still DO cry, but I feel more of a warmth inside with all of our fond memories these days and I cherish those more than ever.

It's still difficult.  I just want to celebrate my mother and I can't the way I want to.

I want to celebrate with a hug, a card, a smile, us laughing together,  flowers,  sharing a meal together, just talking and spending time.  I physically want to be in my mom's presence and I can't.

When your mom is just a friend like no other friend on the planet, it is an eerie, odd, not normal thing to not have that loving presence you have always had in your life from the beginning.  

I can hear her voice so clearly most days in my head and I feel that love she always had for me so strongly.

I still want to give her a hug and that does not make it any easier.  I will always want that hug and want to return that hug too.

I look around me and I am reminded of her everywhere.  Her blanket is on the footboard of my bed.  It's been here since the day she passed away.  I have photos around our house.  There is family furniture which I've had in my life since as far back as I can remember.  I look outside and I see yellow Iris everywhere.  Those Iris came from her flower beds in the house I grew up in.  They have been so beautiful these past few days.  I used to bring her these in April after she and Dad downsized to the condo and she didn't have a yard anymore.  She would see the bouquet of yellow or purple in my hand and she would know exactly where they came from.... I loved to see her smile when she received flowers.

This past week I've been thinking about our last Mother's Day celebration... we had just come home from Chetola spending a week there at her and Dad's time share.  We all had our Chetola shirts on and she was all smiles that day.  Frail and weaker than usual, but still very much herself.   I didn't know at the time it would be her last Mother's Day with us.

I miss everything about her....and I always will.  A mother's love never leaves us.  I am finding this to be true even 10 months later without her.  I am finding it true with my dad too and it has been only 6 weeks since he died and joined Mom in heaven.

She was the best mom in the world to me.  No one loved me like she did and no one ever will again.  Double that feeling now especially that my daddy is no longer here either.  To miss both of your parents so much..... and to learn to live without them is something I may never totally get used to.

I'm learning though that God just transforms that love Mom always showed me into a love that sustains me at times in my grief.  His love for me given through an incredible forever mom....  it has been such a gift.  I can honestly say that I feel her love within me so strongly, like I wasn't sure I would.  Experiencing the death of someone so close totally changes your life.  My mom changed my life from day one when she saw me at the adoption agency and said, "Yes" to me as her daughter.  She changed my life for the better each and every year I was her daughter.  She brought me so much joy and made me feel so special.  

I am still her daughter.  
I will always be Ethel's daughter.  
Her love is so woven into who I am.  I carry it around in my heart all of the time and this is what makes me smile when I think of her.  

The memories are so sweet.  The time shared so cherished.  45 years God allowed her to be in my life.... 

I will still want my "Moma hugs" no matter what.... 
I will always miss that relationship we had.... 

Happy Mother's Day Mom..... your first in heaven and you didn't have to miss one without Dad!  

I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck!

To all of you daughters out there missing your moms.... I am saying a prayer for you.  Mother's day without your mom is not easy and I pray that the memories you have of your mother which make you smile will comfort you.  You are not alone.  There are many of us who remember and reminisce and wish we could still give our moms hugs too. 

The Adoption Poem

There is a poem about adoption which my mother shared with me decades ago as a child.  It is a poem which has stuck with me all of my life.  It is a well known poem and is short, sweet, and to the point.  It is a love poem and one which I cherish.

It goes like this....

"Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute
That you did not grow under my heart,
But in it!"

An adoptive parent's love for their adopted child wrapped up in these few words.  As a child, when I would often read this poem I thought about my mother's heart.  I thought about the fact that I was not part of her actual body.  There was absolutely nothing genetically in me that was a part of her.  She never carried me in her womb, I was never "under her heart".  She did not go through midnight cravings with me, aches and pains, morning sickness, nor the joyful moments of first feeling me kick in her womb.  She never went through the pain of childbirth with me.  None of those things we shared.  I really did ponder these facts.  

My mom had actually had two precious babies grow under her heart years prior to my brother's and my adoption, only to miscarry them both in her 2nd trimester both times because of Type 1 diabetes.  She did have joyful experiences of being an expectant mother.  She also felt tremendous grief and pain I would imagine.  She simply could not carry these precious ones in her womb until birth.  It just wasn't possible.  The doctors also told her if she were to continue to try to have more children with Dad that she was putting her life at substantial risk.  She must have been very ill during part of each of her pregnancies.  Mom was never able to hold her babies in her arms at birth, but she was able to hold us as babies in her arms.

There were times when thinking about my mother and my father that I so wished that I was physically part of both of them..... If I could have had one wish, it would have been that I was their natural born daughter too!  But I wasn't.  So, I would often let those thoughts go and I knew that no matter what, we had this incredibly special bond which was so strong and full of love.  This bond taught me so much over the course of my life.

What I have found out 4 and a half decades later (and even before this) is that I am so much a part of both of them, in different ways, outside of physical genes, that it is not even funny.  One of my dearest friends told me "You are your mother's daughter."  I consider that to be one of the highest of compliments.  I see a lot of my mom's compassionate, caring heart in my brother too and both of their enthusiastic, positive attitudes as well.

Just 2 nights ago I was passionately discussing and processing something I was concerned about with my husband, Michael.  He was listening intently and then he stopped and just stared at me and said, "You looked at this moment just like your mother and you sounded just like her too."  

And this type of thing happens with some (not all) families who have adoption as their story.  My brother and I are two of the blessed ones.  Not all stories turn out well.  Not all adoption stories have a happy ending.  Ours did.  Our lives were  forever changed for the better and I am constantly thankful for the blessings of the parents God brought into my life when I was a 7 week old infant.  My brother is just as thankful in regards to his adoption.

This poem must have been really special to my mother.  Why?  Well, she had typed it up on ivory stationery, not just once but twice.  Maybe more than twice.  I don't know.  

It was such a special good-bye gift....

The final weeks before Mom and Dad's condo was closing in the fall of 2012, I was cleaning out the last things in my mom's dresser.  It is a beautiful dresser, long with 12 drawers and a huge mirror over it to match.  She had that dresser as part of hers and Dad's bedroom suite for over 50 years.  It has ALWAYS been the dresser my mother had since I can remember.  I used to love her showing me her treasures in those dresser drawers.

Inside one of the drawers I found an Ivey's department store bag.  I opened it and inside were various sentimental things my mother had kept....

 .....my graduation program from Charlotte Catholic in 1985

.....the church bulletin from Myers Park UMC for graduation Sunday 1985

.....a Valentine I had given her in 1972

.....a mother's day card I had given to her which was really like an apology card 

.....little cut out photos of she and Dad

.....photos of my brother and I

.....an article from the Charlotte Observer about 2 adoptive parents and their son thanking them for being his parents

.....an Anniversary card from Dad

....and a card from my brother to both Mom and Dad.

Then there was this little ivory envelope.

I opened it up.

And there was the adoption poem.  I had not seen this poem in years!

I was sitting on the floor in my Mom and Dad's bedroom at the condo, surrounded by all of these things Mom kept all these years and held this card up to my chest and wept.  

It was the last little message from my mother to me and to my brother as we were saying goodbye to hers and Dad's home which they both loved and could not stay in due to medical struggles.  It was my mom saying to me one more time, "I love you Judith.  You are and always will be my daughter, no matter what."  And these words came to my heart from heaven, because she had died in July and this was September 19.

What a little unexpected gift from God to both my brother and I, that I should find this poem in such a timely way.

Well, just last weekend I had a similar gift....

You hear the saying, "Nothing ever happens the same way twice."  There is truth to that.  

However, my brother was not surprised as much by this as I was.  I was shaking my head in tears of thankfulness and a LOT of wonder this time.  

I found another poem....
....JUST like the one Mom had in her dresser.
It was on the same ivory stationery, same typewriter font, same everything.

She had typed up two of these poems.  (There may have been more.)

I found this one in my Dad's bureau drawer the day we moved his dresser into our house 3 weeks after he died.

My dad had had this poem in the ivory envelope in his top drawer for YEARS.... All tucked away.  It was probably there in our childhood home in Dilworth.  It was there at the condo.  It was there at the Carriage Club in Assisted Living and in Memory Care the last 3 years.  It had been there the whole time.  It was under some other items.

In the envelope with it were photos of my brother and I and an announcement in the Charlotte Observer about his mother and his mother in law making their visit to Hawaii to see he and Mom in 1954.  Mom and Dad were married in Hawaii the prior year and Dad was in the US Navy stationed at Pearl Harbor.

How could this ever be?

Again Lord?  Truly? The same little good-bye gift found in his matching dresser-bureau.  

Tom said, "Well, they did think an awful lot alike."  He is so right about that.

It's possible too that this poem was given to my Grandmother Elizabeth, (Dad's mom), by my mother.  Then she put photos she had been given by my dad and mom in the envelope along with the poem.

Grandmother Elizabeth, Tom and I  (and Dad's dresser in the background), the day I came home to live with my forever family.

It sounds completely like something my mother would have done and Grandmother would have done.   They were both sentimental especially with photos and words.  I just don't know for a fact that this is what happened with the poem.  What makes me also think of this possibility is due to one photo of my grandfather and Tom fishing on a pier at Lake Wylie, and then of course the 1954 newspaper blurb about she and my Mom's mother taking their first trans-Pacific flight to Hawaii.  

Either way, if it was given to Elizabeth from my mother or not, this poem with pictures had probably been in my dad's dresser a very long time, possibly since his Mom's passing which would have been 1974.  I know my dad loved this poem too.

So this little reminder of love is doubly appreciated and felt.  How both poems wound up in both of their dressers floors me....yet it doesn't.  God loves to surprise us with details about our loved ones.  I'm so glad I decided to look through Daddy's drawer this particular day.  

I open the drawer and it still smells like it always has since I was a little girl.  The dresser represents part of him, just like my mother's did.  Right now her grandson is using her dresser as his very own and taking very good care of it.   One day I will be able to let go of Daddy's bureau, but not just yet and I've told my brother it is just as he left it at the Carriage Club.  Anytime he wants to come over and remember a part of Dad, the bureau is here.  

Until then, I feel blessed....so very blessed once again for these fingerprints of love.

Our Alzheimer's Journey Has Ended

Our journey with Alzheimer's Disease has ended.  We finished it with love.  We finished it well through our many tears, our heartbreak, and our thankfulness and blessings all wrapped up into one.  Sometimes I can't believe I am still standing, but I am and my heart may be a bit rough around the edges in places, and that's ok.  My life has been changed forever through this journey with Dad.

My daddy passed away March 25, 2013 in the wee hours of that Monday morning.  In those moments he said "goodbye" to the world of Alzheimer's forever and said "hello" to his new everlasting life with Christ in heaven. 

It is kind of surreal to know the journey has ended.  It has been the most incredibly challenging, heart wrenching journey I have ever been on.   It is also the most rewarding, honorable path I've ever walked.... the highest calling God has asked of me in my adult life.  The calling of being a "daughter".  

"Daughter"....there is so much wrapped up in that word for me personally.  It has meant everything to me because my parents and their love have meant so much to me my entire life.  I have realized the calling of daughter was not for a faint heart.  It has required more of myself than being a wife or mother.  That may sound strange as those are huge callings as well and ones I take seriously, but being a daughter and walking beside my hero through thick and thin to the very end has taken me places no other experiences in life have.  There have been so many practical "new" things I have learned in life which I would not have experienced now without being in the role of "daughter, steward, representative and advocate".  There is no other place I would have wanted to be for the past few years.  No where except beside both of my parents.   I have never looked at my role as a chore....even when tasks seemed daunting and insurmountable.  We got through them together or with the help of family and dear friends.  

It has been an honor.
It has been a privilege.
It has been a joy....to walk hand in hand with my dad.... and my mother.  

The journey has taught me so much.  I've learned more about myself than I want to know I think at times.  I've learned I am extremely loyal and must be pretty patient.  I have learned my primary spiritual gift is not teaching.  It is encouragement and showing mercy to others.  I have found out what lengths I will go to protect and champion a frail and feeble parent.  I have found out I am stronger than I think I ever was, even though many times I felt like I was losing control of my life so many times on the inside.  

In short the disease has tested me to the core of my being.  It has crushed my spirit at times and made me feel true despair.  It has opened my eyes to the suffering of another human being who lived daily with the slow agonizing process of losing his mind and all that goes with that....  the paranoia, the anxiety, the fear, the shame and embarrassment of losing his memories, the confusion, the desperation, the loneliness....

Watching these struggles for 4 years has been unforgettable.  I think this journey has made a mark on me for life!  I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.  This entire experience has changed my life forever.   It truly has been a long goodbye.  There were huge and little losses along the way which we grieved hard.  Every single step down my dad took I grieved with all my heart and soul.  I have written about many of these step downs and one day I may publish these posts.  Our grief with dad was ongoing.  It never really stopped for very long.  Just when the plateaus would occur and things leveled out, we were still waiting for "the other shoe to drop".  We constantly seemed to be waiting for the next step down though we continually and selfishly hoped it would never ever come.  There was a constant sense of loss with him each year.  Things Dad could do in 2010 he couldn't do in 2011 and so on.  From 2011 on, my brother and I could see off in the distance the "train wreck" waiting to happen before it happened.  We had a lot of anticipatory grief of what Alzheimer's would do to our father eventually, how it would affect him physically and emotionally and everyone who loved him closely.  

One of the main things Alzheimer's has etched into my heart is love.  We loved in the moment.  We found and brought joy to Dad in the moments we were with him.  He would never remember our visits or that we were there sometimes after leaving him.  Love taught me it didn't matter that he forgot.  We spent our time with him and made him feel loved and valued while we were with him.  WE knew we were there and would remember we had been there, even if he didn't.  I know it has to be extremely excruciating for family members to continually visit their loved one when they are left with only a shadow of the person they once knew.  Some think it too unbearable or not worth their time due to their loved ones state of dementia, so they stop coming as frequently to see them.  I think if our circumstances had been different, and Dad had lost even more of himself, we would have been faced with similar questions.  "Do we keep physically loving with our presence, even if he doesn't know who we are or that we are even here?"  It is a place no one wants to be with their loved one..... but I think Tom and I would have continued to see our dad no matter what, because of one simple reason..... he was still OUR dad and we loved him.  That love we have always had, does not disappear even if our hearts are full of pain.

Of course there are always things to be thankful for along the journey.  I found my own mental state of mind and well being rested on finding the silver linings along the way.  Those pieces of the journey we could hold on to and smile, laugh, or be comforted by were so important to me.  A journey like Alzheimer's can leave you feeling like there is little or no hope.  I knew my dad was not going to be cured of this disease.  God showed me so many times along the way these little gifts in my daddy, which I cherish to this day.  Whenever Dad would light up with his smile at the sight of us, or when we showed him photographs of the family it was worth every single second of our time.  We lived for those smiles, his words of love, and if we could make his day in any form or fashion we certainly tried.  He most certainly made many of our days!  God truly was so good to us in allowing the most important parts of Dad's personality and core of who he was as a person to remain.  His love for his family.  His joyful spirit.  His gratitude of others and their service.   

My precious "Papa Bear" was an inspiration to many folks and to many who cared for him in those 20 months in the Memory Care building at the Carriage Club.  The very next day after his death, nursing aids told me they were already missing him.

They miss his smile.... his gratitude....and his joyful,  fun-loving spirit.

I miss everything about my daddy.  
Absolutely everything.

There has never been anyone who has loved me like he did....and there will never be anyone who will love me like that ever again.   

That is from where my heartbreak stems.  The relationship with my hero which I've had all this time is what I will miss so much.

I will miss the gentle reassurance in his words, his laugh, his strength that made me feel so safe, the whispered I love yous, the loving affirmation of being his daughter, his joking antics, his integrity, his joy and the love I always felt from him.  I will also miss our time together.

Dad was so brave....  so very brave though this journey.  He had an inner strength which shone through at times when the disease would allow it.  It was those glimpses of who he used to be that I hung on to with all my heart.  Those were like little messages from God saying to me, "Underneath this illness, your daddy is still the same man he has always been.  I did not forget your Dad and his memories are safe with me."  These peeks back into yesteryear were all such gifts to me.

I can also say that we were spared the agony of stage 7 of dementia.  The stage where your loved one loses his ability to talk, swallow well, walk,  feed himself, be continent and basically is at the mercy of someone else to do absolutely everything for him.  We have seen those in stage 7 in my mother's building before she died.  We saw them frequently in Dad's building as well.  Wheelchair bound unable to really move at all, unable to communicate or really smile.  Heartbreaking for the person with the illness and for the family.  Dad only had to go through stage 7 of Alzheimer's for 4 days.  That is all.... just 4 days.  He had elements of stage 6 and 7 from right after Christmas 2012 until the last week of his life when he had a mini stroke and literally "fell off the cliff of stage 7".  I was selfishly so grateful Dad never had to go through months or years of the last stage of dementia.

So many blessings at the end and throughout the journey.  One day I plan on writing more about specifics of the journey.  I do not want to forget where I have been.   Sometimes I wonder what in the world is next for me?  There is a huge void since the passing of my parents only 9  months apart.  Being their advocate, helper and caregiver has been a part of my every day life for the past 4 years.   Where do I go from here?  I don't know yet.  In time I believe I will figure that out.  I do think though my life will have to include helping others on their journey with Alzheimer's or aging parents because the Lord has taught me too much and blessed me too much to keep it all to myself.  I have such a love for the elderly.  My mom helped instill that in me as a child long ago.  I also now have an appreciation and love for those with dementia which I never had before.  Time will tell where my life goes next and where new doors will open.

We are most grateful for your prayers in our loss of our Dad~Joe and our Mom~Ethel.
I find joy in knowing my parents are together once again, but this time without all of their physical ailments and illnesses.  I know they are so happy to be with the Lord and each other!

We can feel your prayers and please know that God is faithful to walk with you on what ever journey you may be on. He walked with us in both of my parent's cases and trials of Type 1 diabetes, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma and Alzheimer's.... through every valley, hill, puddle, storm and mountain. He is faithful to see you through whatever trials you may be facing because of His great love for you! 

Great is His faithfulness!
Amen.

Love,
Judith