Digitally Preserving Family Moments for a Lifetime - What the Singer Roadster Photos Have Taught Us

There is a beloved photo of Mom and Dad  in Hawaii, which our family has appreciated from 1953.  It was their "first" Christmas together.  It is by far one of my top 2 favorite photographs of them as newly weds.  It warms my heart every time I see it.  It captures our parents so well.

There are a few copies of it.  Maybe 5 at most none larger than 3 inches by 5 inches.  It is a photo we have digitized to preserve for decades to come for our family history.  My brother and I realize more and more in time why scanning and digitizing photographs is so very important and crucial in passing down a legacy and history to our loved ones.  We have had some failures in this department and some great successes.  We have learned that taking time to preserve family memories is worth every single minute you will spend at your scanner and computer.  Besides doing this for yourself, you are doing it for your kids and grandkids.  You will give them an incredible gift of memories of the love your family has shared through the years.

Here is a story about three particular family photos which have touched us .and taught us so many things about our parents and preserving family moments:

I'll start with the one we know and love best...

Christmas 1953 Hawaii

Merry Christmas from the Postons!

This photograph is so special in many ways to us.... we love everything it has captured.

The palm trees, the head band my mom is wearing and the flip flops, my daddy's aviator sunglasses gingerly tucked in his hand as he has his arm around Mom. The way Daddy leans in behind Mom making her front and center and their feet nonchalantly resting on the running board of the car.  They look relaxed, happy.  I see love in this photo.  They have their entire marriage ahead of them.  A marriage that would span the course of 59 years.

So many things just one photograph can tell you....

Looking back is so interesting......what we don't know from just looking at the photo is that this love would be the love of a life time.  A fairy tale type story of boy courts girl, boy joins the Navy, boy and girl are separated by thousands of miles, girl gets engagement ring from her sweetheart (presented to her by her "father in law to be" on behalf of her man).  Girl says, "yes" and accepts the ring.  Then letters and photos are exchanged for over a year and a half, until girl gets on her first jet plane to Hawaii to marry her Navy man.  They marry and live happily ever after.

This is what happened though.  It is such a wonderful story.  A story I'll always love to tell and a story of their lives they recounted to everyone and remembered with such fondness, even in their final years together.  When you mentioned Hawaii, their faces would light up like the sun! There was a sparkle in their eyes!  Hawaii was an unforgettable part of their lives.  It should be!  It was the beginning of their family story.  I can only imagine what a magical time it was for them. Yet it also had its newlywed challenges and normal bumps in the road as they lived very frugally not making much on a Navy man's salary and trying to figure this thing out called "married life".  Their challenges made them stronger and more appreciative of each other.  They were incredibly happy because they had each other.  They had a wonderful church family too at First United Methodist Church Honolulu, since they didn't have actual family close by and were very involved there and made tremendous life time friends.  When Dad's term with the Navy ended, he tried his best to stay on with the USN, but there was no work.  The Korean War was over and there were cutbacks to the military.  So Dad and Mom packed up and came back home to live out the rest of their love story.  Without this photo we would not have a window into that time for our parents.

My parents, of course, loved this photo, but my dad especially.  His strongest reason?
His lovely bride of course standing so beautifully by the car.  The second reason?
That car in front of which they are posing..... yes THAT car....

.....the Singer Roadster.

It was his commanding officer's car he had told us.  He was hired to take care of the car while his CO was on Christmas vacation in 1953.  Dad washed it, waxed it, and kept it in tip top shape for his commander. This is so typical of my dad's personality too.  He always, when left in charge of something, lovingly took care of it.  He left things better than he found them.  He had patience and really was serious about being a good steward of things he was given.  A trait he had his entire life which spilled over into all aspects of his life.  Ask any of his friends and they will tell you the same thing!  He was a wonderful example of God's stewardship and being thankful for the big and little gifts God bestowed to him and our family.

All this time we thought this was the only photo from that day.
It wasn't!

We have one of Mom posing behind the wheel of the Singer.   I scanned this slide taken the same day as the other one.   It was one of those big metal slides too,  so it was well in tact and our folks had a very secure metal box in which all of these slides from Hawaii had been stored!  Those boxes have been a huge blessings as most of these slides are 60 years old!!

Mom and Dad owned an actual slide projector and huge portable wall screen for viewing the slides.  I remember them setting it up in the living room and us watching some of the slides from our childhood.  The projector and screen are long gone.  The only way for anyone to see these slides again was to digitize them by scanning them to the computer.

Today my brother found a treasure which made us both smile so big that we could. barely. contain. ourselves!!  It was in a different box of slides from the one of Mom.  It had Mom's writing on it as a description "Sporty Joe- off hours".  Now who could resist scanning that one? Tom did and this is what he found....

Dad behind the wheel of his CO's Singer Roadster.

Probably in the CO's driveway.

Twenty-one years old.
The hair.
The aviator sunglasses.
The look on his face.
This is when I wish I had a time machine if only for a few moments.

Priceless.  Just priceless.  I wouldn't be surprised if Mom took the photo.  Having two more photos from that day gives us more insight about December of 1953!!

Dad talked about these moments for years and years to come and this particular CAR!  Oh the conversations through the years!  The Hemmings Motor News Magazines!  The reminiscing of happy times!  We loved it all!  His appreciation for automobiles as a hobby never lessened and he'd joke even at age 80 with Alzheimer's about this car!!  You would show him the black and white photo of he and Mom in his last months and he'd say "There's my car!"  We'd tease back, "You want that car??" He'd smile so big with a giant, "Yes!"  Amazing the moments Alzheimer's allows you to remember.  Special times with your sweetheart in an amazing place such as Hawaii!

So thankful for this treasure inside the life of my daddy today.  There is this entire other world before I knew him which so touches my heart through photographs.  It's good to know about my parents' lives before us kids became a part of them.

Our regrets are only that we did not start scanning these slides from Hawaii years ago. With every slide come questions from both my brother and I.  Questions we can only guess the answers to.  Answers we will never receive.

With that said, it really is important to ask your loved ones about times long ago!  Ask them what they are willing to share with you!

Write.  it.  all.  down.
Video their story.  Scan those slides.  Write on the back of photographs!
Digitize everything you possibly can and store it safely, backing it up to a hard drive or two!
Give the gift of digitizing photos to your family so they can have copies too!
It takes time, but is so worth it!

Documentation is important because one day you won't be able to ask those questions you want to!
It will be too late.  We put things off and put things off and think we'll get to them.  Do it now!  You won't regret it ever.  You will pass down a history to your children so that they can remember their grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, and parents.

Also don't forget your own story.  Make your story a part of the process.  Store it digitally.  Do the same thing with your current photos.  Label everything on your computer files!  (I'm not as good about this as I should be!)  I have easily 12,000 digital photos on my laptop.  This is not all of my photos either.  There are others on an external hard drive.  Between my brother and I combined we are well covered with back up files!

I've always loved photography and photographs.  I've always been sentimental.  Having walked a father through Alzheimer's Disease has taught me many great lessons.  One is the importance of preserving memories of loved ones.  This disease has changed my perspective on life forever!  It has shown me that preserving our moments with loved ones are priceless gifts for our families.  Mike's and my boys will have memories of their grandparents, us and themselves forever through photographs.

I cannot help but think of the joy these other two photos with the Singer Roadster could have brought our father as he was dealing with his illness.  Dad would have been put back in time to a very happy time and place.  I would have blown these photos up and hung them on his wall in his room.  We would have looked at them often.  With Alzheimer's you have to cling to every good thing you can.  Every happy memory that remains, every beloved moment your heart continues to embrace.  It is so important to foster that love and life that is so beautiful for the person suffering from the disease.  I believe Tom and I did that no matter what.  It became part of our refrain with Dad.  Looking at beloved photos we had digitized on the iPad or iPhone and laughing, smiling and loving him the best we possibly could every single visit we had with him.  Dad would have never been able to see these photos of his past in slide form.  The only way he would have clearly seen childhood, wedding or Navy photos were by us digitizing them.  You can fit thousands of photos on an iPad or iPhone and scroll through them easily like a photo album without worrying that you will damage your original photographs.  They are easy to share with others too.  Many residents and staff at the retirement community were shown the "Story of Mom and Dad" on Tom's iPad.  It touched people's hearts.  It gave us something wonderful to talk about in Mom and Dad's presence during visits.

Thank you to my brother who has done most of the legwork in this!

We learned so much along the journey of Dad's illness and are grateful, however, as my brother says, we don't want to remember Dad as he was with Alzheimer's as the person he truly was.  Alzheimer's was a huge shadow cast over who Dad was.  God allowed us to experience Dad's love, joy and thankfulness up until the last week of his life.  He kept his memories of who we were in tact which was a blessing.  Battling AD then was part of his story, but we want and need to remember him before that.  Like on his and Mom's 50th wedding anniversary!

His giant laugh.  His eternal optimism.  His joy.  Mom's gentleness and strength.  Her gracefulness and love.

Now we can see and imagine them as newlyweds...through digital technology.
To see your father at age 21 and your mother at age 23 so young and lively!  This slide is 60 years old!! I can close my eyes and step back in time and imagine.  I can hear their voices and see their smiles.

Their love was real. Photos from the beginning help us see it and we were witnesses to that love with our own eyes up until the end.  They never stopped looking at each other like they did from the beginning.  What a treasure to see this love transcend time through photographs!   61 years of being together from the first date "until death did they part", only to be reunited again, together always with their Lord Jesus Christ!

Our world needs to see God's love like this.  In a world full of heartbreak, failed relationships and divorce, we need to see marriages which transcend time and have happy endings.  That is why I don't mind sharing their story.  A love like my folks is a witness to others and gives others hope that a marriage can last a life time, yes with bumps along the way, trials, hardships, many BIG medical issues and more.  Love is greater than all of those trials.  Tom and I have seen it.  I believe it.  It takes work.  It takes sacrifice.  It takes lots of patience and understanding and endurance.  It takes a heavenly Father to guide the way.... and I personally believe a couple willing to follow Him.

I'll have these images to carry with me always.  So will our children.  A picture is worth 1,000 words.  It is true!  I will never tire of seeing their faces light up at each other in photographs.  We miss them every day!  Life is just not the same now without them in our daily lives.

On a side note.... something I'd like to ask Jesus.....so humor me for a moment.....
(I have so many questions by the way. )
"Do they have Singer Roadsters in heaven?" Just a question!  (LOL!)

Photo Credit:  www.automobilemag.com

If Jesus had a car he enjoyed driving I think my dad would like to take care of it for Jesus.  And I know he'd do a great job!  Jesus would probably take Dad and Mom on the road and I bet anything He'd let Dad drive! 

My Daddy's Joy

I'm not sure how this has happened, and I'm still trying to process it all in many ways. 
I am happy about this.
I am so very thankful.
I am astonished.
I am saddened at the same time, but wait until I tell you why....

My Daddy is full of joy right now.  He is not grieving the loss of his bride.  It is incredible.  It is amazing.  It is also just the strangest thing in the world to behold.  The love of his life for 59 years, their hearts so connected and they still are....  Yet his dementia in the form of Alzheimer's has saved my Daddy from a completely broken heart.  How could this ever be?  I never in a million years if I tried to predict the end of their story would I believe it would be this story.

When you hear the Lord only allows what you can handle this must be a case like that.  My dad is being spared the intense grief my brother and I and other family members share.  Ever since Mom's memorial service he has not mentioned her.  The day of her death we sat down with him and all three of us, Michael, Tom and myself told him what had happened to Mom.  He was saddened then, and was trying to take it all in.  There were tears.  "She was a strong woman. I thought she would get better." he told us.  We told him Mom was strong, so very strong, but she could not overcome diabetes or cancer anymore.  We hugged on him and told him we were there for him and were not leaving him in this process.  Tom grabbed his hand.  "Thank you." he said.  I kissed him on the cheek.  "Thank you." he said.  We told him how loved he was.  When it was time to go, his words to us were, "Please be careful.  I don't want anything to happen to you."  And when I asked him what we could do for him, his only words were "prayers".  

That first week since her death, he told staff members in his building that his cousin died.  Then he said his father had died.  Then finally one day that week he said, his wife had died.  That was the last he mentioned her that we know of.... but he may mention her again in time.

 At the end of Mom's memorial service when they were playing "Amazing Grace" ...

 ...we had the hymnal open for him and he started to cry.  Tears dripped onto his neck tie.  Tom was holding one hand and I had my arm around him.  When that hymn was finished and we walked out of the chapel Daddy was crying.  Tears were streaming down his face as I walked beside him.  It is an image I will never ever forget.  At that time I was wondering "Where does his grief go from here?"  We all wondered if he would forget all of this.  Would the Memorial service just not be there in the forefront of his mind at all?

It has not.

Ever since that day, he has not mentioned Mom.  He has not asked where she is.  He has not asked how she is doing.  He has not asked to go see her like he did  for 2 years.  It has been like a light switch has been turned off or the Lord has turned off the water faucet of tears.  They just are not there right now, though it doesn't mean they won't ever return. 

He has joy.

So "NOT" normal for my dad who loved my mother with his entire body and soul.  Tom and I both know that if this had happened 3 years ago when we thought it might and they were living independently that Dad would be so stricken with grief we were not sure if he'd go downhill from a broken heart and lack of purpose in his life.  The doctors even told us this about him.  I believe he would have been heartbroken even last year. 

Alzheimer's is sparing my dad intense pain.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd say this horribly heart wrenching disease is a blessing, but...... right now it is.  It is protecting my daddy's heart and well being.

So I am grateful he is not suffering this loss intensely like us, yet it makes me sad at the same time, not because I want him to suffer in sadness, but because I CANNOT grieve with my hero.  I cannot grieve and cry with him when I need him.  That is for me to share with other people, not him.  This is just strange, and weird to me.  It doesn't feel "normal".  My dad has always been there for my brother and I.  If in his right mind, Dad would be there for us.  He would be helping us process as much as we needed him.  We would be there for him as well in his time of grief.  We would be sharing all of this time of sadness TOGETHER as a family.  We are not..... 
I MISS my Daddy..... in more ways than one.

Instead of crying and sharing sadness so soon after Mom's death, we are sharing only joy.  Laughter, smiles, ice cream, legos, and memories in the making. My dad's smile and voice ministers to me every single time I see him.  He just lights up and it is such a comfort.

Joseph sharing his Legos with Granddad.  It is always a hit!

How do you say?  How can that be?  I know there may be times when I look at my dad and I may need to cry.  Michael told me that when those times come, to just tell Dad, "I miss Mom."  Perhaps that is the perfect thing to say and that would be enough.

I say often that my folks are this amazing gift from God, and they are!  My gift of Mom is not physically with me, but all that she instilled in me is.
The gift of my dad is still here and the Lord showed me I have yet another gift in my daddy right now.

The gift of HIS JOY.

I don't have to worry about his grief at the moment.  I don't have to take on his pain.  I am the type of person that hurts when other people hurt.  There has been nothing harder or more heartbreaking in my life than to see my dad sad with worry over Mom in the past, or over his not understanding his disease.  It cuts deep.  If Dad were grieving like us I'd be grieving for TWO people, not just myself.  I'd  grieve deeply, my father's grief of Mom's death.

I am not.  It is a gift.  I can breathe a sigh of relief right now because my daddy is not suffering. I can take care of myself and the boys and not be completely absorbed in my dad.  I honestly don't think I would be able to function if my dad was completely grief stricken.  I'd want to be there all of the time with him, would not want to leave his side and would be in so much more emotional pain.

Oh Lord, how do you keep giving my brother and I these gifts in our parents, even now?  It is so completely amazing and thoughtful of you to keep our hearts so close.  Here none of us knew how Dad would react to Mom's passing.  Now we know.

My husband said perhaps since Dad does not have a concept of time that maybe he thinks Mom passed away a long long time ago.
I don't know.  I don't know what his mind is thinking.  However, I do know that if or when he mentions her we will be there for him.  The staff in Memory Care is keeping close tabs on him.  They will let us know how he is doing.  Right now they say he is very active, and happy and endearing.  He is stable and doing fine.

What an amazing gift.....

And I know deep in my heart, Dad has not forgotten Mom.....all of those memories are all still there, even if his disease does not allow him to remember the recent past. 

 Her pictures are still all over his room.  Her love for him is still in his heart....and that love is bringing him peace, plus the many prayers from you and God's mighty love.....

The Gaze Across the Room

Dad still looks at her now like he did then,

A gaze across the room with a smile on his face,
At this moment, to him, there is no one else in the room.
The world stands still and it is just the two of them.
She turns and smiles for the camera and doesn't even know,

She's being admired by her husband whom she loves so dearly.

Photo taken in the early to mid 1960's. 

Today I celebrate Love

 April 11, 1953

Today I celebrate love..... not just any love.  A love that inspires me to be a better person.  A love that shines in my life all the time.  A love that has taught me how to love other people.


 
Today I celebrate love.
 A love and marriage which was built from the beginning on God's love and their love for Him and commitment to Him and each other.


I celebrate a love that has stood through good and bad times, yes for better or worse for over six decades.


I celebrate a love that is honorable and praiseworthy.


I celebrate a love that is steadfast. Bending in the many storms of life, but never ever broken.



Today I celebrate love.

A love which admits when it is wrong, is not ashamed or afraid to say " I'm sorry"  when it has hurt the other, and chooses to make amends.  It is in how Mom and Dad have dealt with their imperfections that have made all the difference.

I celebrate a love which has with great care and consideration  put the other spouse's needs before his or her own wants when it mattered most.  


A love that communicates feelings freely and listens well.  A love that says "  I love you"  often in spoken and written words of encouragement.

From Mom....

I celebrate a love that longs to serve each other and takes the initiative in doing so and finds joy in the serving.

I celebrate a love which has sacrificed when no one was looking and when we were privileged to be witnesses.

I celebrate a love that is not perfect, which does have its own flaws, but strives to be the best it can possibly be with God's help.

This love has walked and endured the road of miscarriages, financial struggles, cancers, diabetes, and Alzheimers.  It has never given up on the other, but always been the others biggest cheerleader, yes even in two wheel chairs on Christmas Day.

It has also experienced the great joys of adoption, being parents, and grandparents.  My brother and I are so blessed to be adopted by them.

I've seen a father's love so deep that he would move mountain and earth for his bride in medical situations, even in his mid 70's.  Always wanting what is best for her.  Always putting her needs first before his own.

I've seen a mother honor, respect, and serve her husband in such a way that inspires me to do the same thing in my own marriage.  

 And Mom started their marriage off that way from the beginning.

I celebrate their dreams which have come true.  I have been blessed and my life has been changed forever because of those dreams.

I've been a witness to this love.  I've had a front row seat and I am a better person because of it.  It is one of the most precious gifts I've ever received from anyone.

My list could go on and on......
I thank God so much so often for their witness of His love for me.
These two hearts are so interconnected, there is no separating their hearts.  It's just not possible.

Easter 2012

And what I realize as more time goes by is that the world needs to celebrate those relationships where God shines through so brightly.  He wants others to see His love through other people.  He wants others to see what a godly marriage looks like.  It is a mirror of His love for us and brings Him glory.  This is why it is so special.  This is why people are inspired.  I can't tell you how many times people at the retirement community say something to me about these two and how much they love each other.  It is endearing.  They are endearing.  I am so very blessed to call them "  Dad and Mom"  .

Even with their imperfections and struggles like everyone else, it is their commitment to each other in walking out " whatever life may bring"  , which I see so clearly.  This is what has helped their love last a lifetime.   

Whatever they face, they face it together.  It is their story and has always been this way.

50th Wedding Anniversary 2003

So I celebrate a young lady from 4th Ward and a young man from Dilworth who met at work, all because a co-worker pointed out Mom to my Dad and said he should ask her out; she was cute and sweet.

And I'll share a little story of persistence which has lasted a lifetime.... 


Their First couple of dates....well as best as I can remember them from what they have told me....
The persistence in asking my mom out for a first date is a trait that still remains in my dad.  Persistence is one of of his strengths.
Persistence also paid off because every time my mother told him she was busy the nights he asked her out, (usually church choir practice) he would ask her again the next time he saw her.


Since she always seemed to be at church, he eventually came up with the idea to surprise her by showing up at her church after choir practice one night and asking her if he could give her a ride home.  This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship that has spread across six decades and fifty-nine years of marriage.

The next date would take them to a restaurant on Wilkinson Blvd where Mom got a lemonade and Dad ordered onion rings.  Onion rings on a first date?? Guess who still likes onion rings?  

On the way home, only a few blocks away, after dropping Mom off, my dad wrecked his car by running a stop sign. What an impression Mom must have made that night for him to not pay attention to a stop sign!  The police came to investigate and of course had Dad come down to the police station where they called his parents.  My granddaddy Joe Sr. was happy to leave him overnight there, he was so mad Dad had wrecked this car.  (My granddaddy owned a service station and was an auto mechanic).  My grandmother Elizabeth, strong woman that she was, defended her only son and told her husband to get off of his duffer and get down to the police station and pick Dad up!!  

Granddad did....but I'm sure begrudgingly.  
Sigh.... all this hubbub....all because of love.
I don't think Dad ever wrecked another car in his life. 
And I'm sure Mom wondered where he was when he didn't come to work the next day....


Yes, today I celebrate love.

My Daddy's favorite photo of them in Hawaii, while he was still in the Navy.

They are precious to me.  So very precious.  I love them with all my heart.  What a privilege to be a witness of this kind of love.
I don't deserve it, no I don't, but I'm so grateful for this tremendous gift of them.

No other love have I seen like this one.....  

(If you'd like to read more of their story click on this link 

" No Other Love"   which goes to the the label of the same name where I have shared parts of their story.  Or click on their photo in the right hand margin on the main page.)

1953

 Post Script:
And when I ask the Lord, "Why?  Why have you blessed me so much when others have not had the same type of loving family I have had?  I don't deserve all of this goodness, yet you have allowed me to have it, witness it and learn from it."  I have heard the Lord tell me just this week.

"Judith, because you have had all of this love from your parents, it is so YOU could LOVE like that."

I now know that to be true, because I could not walk my Daddy through Alzheimer's or Mom through her health issues like I can today without that LOVE.  I'm sure there are more reasons than just this, but God really told me something new about myself this week.  He showed me one more time about LOVE and His love.  That is definitely something worth celebrating!

Judith

Easter Smiles from the 1950's

My mom with the Easter Bunny....

Mom used to work for Ivey's Department Store on Tryon Street uptown in the late 1940's before she married Dad.  She worked in the Junior department and in the billing department at the back of the store.  During the Easter season one year while she worked there, she had her photo taken with the Easter Bunny.

I love her laugh....  
I love the expression on her face.  
She can't be more than 18 or 19 years old.....

I love this photo.

It's Been Two Years- I Have Two Stories

Today marks the two year anniversary of a situation in our lives that has been difficult, yet wonderful, yet not so wonderful, not perfect, but the best we have to give.  I've got two stories to share today.

My parents moved to the retirement community today two years ago.  This was the week Dad and I went out to visit it and saw his room.  We had a plan for Mom to be in rehab until she got stronger from her back surgery and then she'd move into another room right next to Dad in the assisted living building.  They would rent two rooms side by side.  The facility was going to cut a doorway in the wall and put in a door so the rooms could be connected.  One would be their bedroom.  One would be a sitting/living room.  There were actually two rooms empty side by side at this time too.  It was a perfect plan.  

Dad didn't ever want to move permanently I don't think. He wanted to be at the condo. However, he'd do anything for Mom. He'd move heaven and earth for her if he could.  He'd give up living at the condo if he could stay with her.  Always in the back of his mind he wanted to be at home, back at their beautiful condo among the big Oaks in one of their favorite parts of town.  Mom wanted to go home too.

I'll never forget the family meeting we had about mom with the staff in the skilled nursing building, as she was phasing out of medicare rehab.  They said because of her dementia and diabetes mixed together she would not do well in Assisted Living.  They would not do her sliding scale for insulin over there and her dementia was such that she would not be a good fit for that building.

Our plan, our perfect plan we had worked out so they could stay together was not going to take place.  Dad was going to be by himself in a room in the assisted living building and she was going to have to stay in the skilled nursing building in a semi private room with a perfect stranger, because of her medical needs.

My heart broke.  

They showed me the piece of paper with the different stages of dementia on it.  " This is the stage where your mother is.  This is where your father is."     They were at two different stages.  My parents were going to be separated because of dementia and diabetes.  How could this ever be?  These two have never been separated in their entire lives outside of hospital visits or my dad traveling for his job, which was rare.  How could we separate 57 years of marriage?  And how could we explain this to Mom or to both of them?

It was a gradual process of explaining as things went along.  At first, Mom used to say, " I don't think I'm ever getting out of here.  I think I'm going to be here forever."     Dad would always say, " It would be nice to go home, but I don't think Mom will ever be able to go back home again."     At this point he understood better than she with his dementia in the state it was in.   He longed for home and so did she.  I hated that they couldn't go back home.  I still do.

I am in the midst of selling their home.  It has been on the market for a year.  It has been empty for two.  It's taken me a good year to let go of yesterday.  I'm ready to move on and they have moved on too.  


They have adjusted to the separation as well as they can.  Mom is now happy where she is.  She is grateful for all of the help she receives every day.  It has been a struggle some days and the staff is always so patient and understanding.  Dementia is such a fussy thing at times and unpredictable.  Overall my Mom's dementia has not progressed in two years.  Her memory remains stable.  It will never get better, we know this. However, I don't believe it will ever decline like Dad's.  She does not have Alzheimer's.  She has a different kind of dementia. 

Mom also has been restored to a much better quality of life than if she had gone home.  I don't think any of us could have taken as good of care of her with her diabetes than this facility has.  I know most might disagree with that statement.  A lot of people don't want to be in a nursing home.  Most don't ever want to put their loved one in that situation.  For my parents who were aging with dementia so quickly my brother and I simply couldn't do it.  Their needs are so great and diabetes is serious and needs serious management.  We tried for a year as a family and did the best we could.  It still wasn't enough to meet Mom's needs.

My daddy has never one hundred percent adapted to everything.  He has tried.  I don't think he's ever been completely at peace outside of the condo.  As his dementia has worsened and we have seen that he actually has the Alzheimer's form that continues to progress, he longs for home more than he used to.  I think he longs for Mom.  I think that is where he sees " home now"  .  I really do.  He misses her and needs her. 

It's time for my parents to go back home.  
It's time for them to be together again.  
Even if it's in the same skilled nursing room and that is what
"Home" becomes for them.  Home is not always a place anymore.  It is being with the one you love.  

Two years apart.  It has taken my dad two years to decline where he would function ok in skilled nursing now.  He would never have been ok there before this year.  Things have changed.   I'm happy and peaceful that it will happen.  We are just waiting on the door to open.  Lord please let it open soon.  When this door opens I know my mother will have a front row seat of seeing her sweetheart decline with Alzheimer's.  It may sadden her. It might confuse her.  He might drive her crazy at times when he doesn't make sense.   I tell everyone, even though all of this might be true,  she is a very strong woman.  He is her husband.  She would want to be there for him, decline and all, to the very end.  "  I love you forever...."   those words stay with me always.


And my second story.... on the eve of this anniversary, my mother went into diabetic shock last night.  She has had the norovirus for 2 days, which has sent her body for a loop and messed up her sugars, and diabetes management.  The staff saved her life last night.  She was unconscious and unresponsive. It was that dire of a situation. They almost called for the medics to come take her to the hospital, but the nursing staff, including the director brought her around.  I was on the phone during part of this.  After three different treatments and then an IV with dextrose in it, she all of a sudden opened her eyes and said, " Am I dreaming?"    

 "Am I dreaming?" .... Oh Mom! What words!

I bet it felt like she was in a dream.  Sometimes I wonder if  I AM dreaming when these things happen.  How in the world did they save her last night?  The sugar was going down down down.  God you amaze me.  How can I doubt that you are there?  I can't.  There is no question about it.


She started talking to everyone. Telling them she ought to eat something.  She knows exactly what to do after a low blood sugar.  Eat.  Then they had to explain that she had been sick and hadn't been able to.  She had forgotten she had had the virus.

 Thank you Lord for these wonderful people and for protecting my mom once again.  She is still here.  This was a very close one...

So on this anniversary we have been doing double duty, working with doctors and nurses to get her insulin scale changed so she can get over this hump with being sick.  Many many phone calls for the past two days.  She ate all of her breakfast this morning.  First thing she has eaten outside of clear liquids in 2 and half days!  She is going to be fine.  The building is quarantined and we can't go see her.  I just want to hug her neck.  I just want to tell my Mom I love her.  Half of the residents are sick and more could get sick.  It is a stressful situation over there.  Even the physician's assistant who was so key in helping Mom survive last night's crisis now has the virus herself!  


I thanked the Director of nursing profusely last night and this morning.  She said, "  Well we have a soft spot for your mom."    I said I did too.  Mom's diabetic Dr. called me today. Two days in a row I've talked to him. He made time for Mom.  I thanked him profusely also.  He said, "  We try."   He is so very humble.  He knows how unpredictable diabetes is. His motto is the same as Mom's and most diabetics I'd imagine.  You do the best you can everyday with what you have. 

When talking with the Director of Nursing in Healthcare, she commented on how hard it must be to have both parents in this situation with medical issues and be separated like they are.  I told her it was. It was especially sad to watch Dad decline with his memory.  She understood perfectly.  She said after I told her we'd put Dad on the waiting list for a room with Mom, that she just felt touched by their situation.  She could really understand how a couple who had been together so long needed to be together.  She hoped it happened sooner than later.  I think she will keep her eye open and remember them when room openings come up.  Healthcare is currently full.

Hearing those words today was such a blessing to me.  I needed that.  Tom spoke with the director of Dad's building yesterday.  When I was trying to reach him and couldn't during Mom's crisis yesterday, he was actually on the phone with the director of Memory care talking about Dad's bad weekend with his memory. Tom and I have been tag teaming a lot lately. Both women understand how we feel.  No one has told us it is a bad idea to have Mom and Dad together.  We are receiving support.


So we just have to wait now....  Wait on God to open the door.  Then we have to walk through it.  I'm ready to walk.  I'm going to have buy a case of Kleenex in advance because I will probably use every single one the day they move in together.   

Together in Heart yet Apart

Today's visit

Many days I so wish my parents were together all the time.  

Seeing them living separately in two different buildings because each one is in need of different kind of medical care  and visiting them separately just doesn't seem natural to me at all.  It never really has.  This family has always been about togetherness.

Today's visit

This is what broke my heart the most two years ago when they had to move to the retirement community for my mother.  Moving them, meant separation.  My brother and I knew this. Dad left their home of 10 years to be with Mom to keep the separation to a minimum.  He wouldn't have to drive to see her.  He could be right there on the same campus and visit her every single day for as long as he wanted.  Tom and I knew Dad really needed extra assistance too.  The main thoughts were if Mom needed her health restored, we had to do this for her.  

I knew the night before her back surgery when Philip and I went over to the condo to make sure she got her last insulin shot before bed and tucked her in and gave her hugs goodnight,  that this might be her very last night in her home.  It turned out it was.  Oh how I cried driving home. Those tears were the beginning of my very own ocean of tears I cried for them for a period of about a year.  Even though painful, we made a good decision.  The right decision.  And we made it out of  our profound love for Mom.  I believe to this day making that decision 2 years ago was the absolute hardest decision I've ever made in my entire life. What was so hard is that they both thought they would go back home one day "together".  

Here we are almost two years later.  Home has taken on a new meaning for them.  Home is where they live, but home is the people surrounding them as much as the location.  My mother has had two wonderful years that she might not have had otherwise.  Her cancer went back into remission and her diabetes stabilized by leaps and bounds.  No more forgotten insulin injections or being off schedule in giving shots or taking blood sugar readings.  No more trying to do things all by himself for my dad and trying to care for his bride and feeling all alone.  All of that belongs to yesterday.  God finally said, "Joe that's enough.  It's time to let someone else take a turn for you.  I'm going to let you rest."

My mother has always told me quality of life far outweighs quantity.  I'm not forgetting those conversations we've had in the past.   The Lord really did lead Dad and I in every step of the way in every decision and every absolute detail about moving to the retirement community.  We were both clueless how this huge situation would come together for Mom's sake.  God really did give Mom and Dad his best.  Being in a living environment where she is on a schedule for eating and insulin injections and a team of talented people that know nursing have saved her life.  

She has been more vibrant in ways the past year and a half than I have seen her in the past four years, I'd say.  She has been able to have Dad in her life and us even if it was not like it used to be.  It's not a perfect situation but it was the best we have to give.  She is happy where she lives and has adapted well.  We see her all the time.  My daddy had a very hard time at first.  He too has adapted well.  What we didn't know at first is how much Dad would need to be here too.  We had no idea he would be where he is with his Alzheimers today.  None of us imagined it in a million years.

We have built relationships with the staff over the past 2 years.  They know us.  They know them well.  They see the love of our family every week.  We communicate with them all the time and we ask questions.  They are compassionate, professional and work with us on all issues that come up.  I'm still learning a lot about things, but my brother and I really have no complaints about their care nor regret at all the decisions we have made for them.  It's a wonderful feeling to walk into either of their buildings and the staff (especially in Mom's building) say, "Hey Judith! How are you?  Hey Joseph!  Hey Philip! What are you doing today?"  One of the nurses aides, my friend Madeline from the Congo even greets me in French whenever I see her.  Angela, who works the phones at the front desk asked me how Dad was doing the other day.  She said, "I haven't seen him in awhile, is he ok?"  I then had to explain the back problem he had and that he hadn't been able to come over to visit Mom lately.  She looked sad about that.  She said, "I miss your dad.  He was one of the very first people I met on my first day of work here.  He was so friendly and talked to me for awhile. Your dad is special.  I hope he is able to come back and start seeing your Mom again."  Wow.... I didn't know Dad had been that special person to her on her first day.  This is what I mean though.  This tells me again we made the right choice for their care.

 My parents are still meant to be together though. I know this in my heart.  There is a hole there that isn't being filled.  I can't fill it.  Tom can't fill it.  My sons can't fill it.  Only they can fill it for each other.  Being married for almost fifty-nine years and still so in love with your spouse is such a gift.  It really bothers me more and more as time goes by that they are not able to be there in moments where they could be a comfort to each other.  Time is short when it comes to them, and I'm seeing they need each other more than ever.  My heart says they should spend their last days and years together.  Not apart.  This love story is not meant to be lived apart, but..... together forever.

So please pray for us.  I'm praying about this and I'm really asking God to lead us in this situation of separation and help me and my brother do what is best for them.  Tom and  I have put Dad on the waiting list for Mom's building this week.  If a room comes available for him where he could be close by or a room that the two of them could share, we'll know about it this way.  The social worker will call me.  I don't know it would be a change that would happen right away, it might be months away, but I really just feel this nudging from God in leading them back together. I'm praying for God's timing.  I just want to be ready whenever that time is and have things in place for them.  It has to be the right time for Dad first and foremost.  Just thinking about them eating every meal together again..... or being there for each other.  It is a really wonderful thought.

Thanks so much,
Judith

Better Days!

What a great afternoon!

We are seeing better days.

Dad looks SO much better.  He is himself again.

 The smile speaks for itself.

He walked us to the elevator this afternoon to say goodbye.  He hasn't done that since before Christmas due to his back pain.  He got right up out of the Lazy Boy and followed us to the elevator today.  He is back to being the gentleman he is.  He always wants to see us off, to make sure we get to where we are going safely.   This just felt SO "normal" again today for us!

He seemed so happy today too.  We played UNO with Mom and of course she won!!  Why does this surprise me??  It shouldn't.  "BIG smile".  She was thrilled she'd won!  Dad and I shared a hand.  He doesn't remember how to play, but he helped me pick the cards to put down during the game with prompting of questions.

Everyone had a great time.

AND......the BEST news of my week.....

The activities coordinator told me that Dad has been to see Mom TWICE this week, going on the golf cart with a staff member. God is so good!  Honestly, it seems like we are back where we were before Christmas, before the tremendous back pain and all that went with it.

My dad is his happy go lucky self again.  I think even if he doesn't say he remembers that he went to see Mom, his spirit remembers.  It has made him so happy to see her four times this week and her too!  It makes such a difference in their lives.  Rain holding off during the main part of the day and temperatures in the mid 60's this week have allowed this special time to take place.  My brother took Mom over on Tuesday.  I brought her over to see him today with the boys.  It was a gorgeous day.  I can't believe it is January!  It certainly doesn't feel like winter!  Then the two days in between just Dad and a staff member going on the golf cart together.  I'm just so excited he can get on and off the golf cart again.  That is quite an accomplishment!

Everything could have been so much worse, my brother and I keep saying to each other.

BUT it wasn't....  It wasn't....  There is such a thing as looking at "what ifs" much too much.  Counting the cost of what needs to be done for urgent medical issues is one thing.  Worrying is a totally different thing.  I like to know what to expect.  That is just me.  With Dad's medical issues last month, we were just guided through the journey one step at a time.  None of us knew what in the world to expect.  Did he have a fractured hip?  Did he not?  We just had to wait until things were clear and evident. Thank goodness he did not.

"  Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow.  Tomorrow will take care of itself."  Matthew 6:34  

Jesus really knows what he's talking about.  And I know this!  However, I should listen and take his words to heart more often in tough times.  Lord, forgive me for not trusting more.  Yes, it's hard, but he is so right about it all.  Trusting him to take care of what we can't control is a wonderful thing.

Thank you Lord for your blessings on my family, for taking care of my dad, especially these past 8 weeks.  I'm grateful to you for giving him lots of compassionate support where he lives, doctors that are knowledgeable and truly care, and strength for Dad in walking him through it all. 

We ALL needed this good news this week!

A song sung by Aaron Shust
"My Hope is in You" 

It's All Worth It

Today's efforts were worth every minute of my time, every mile I drove, every second Mom had to keep her feet up, while I pushed her in her wheel chair across the long parking lot from her building to Dad's building, with the boys walking beside her.  It made such a difference in two people's lives.  Things like today keep me going, keep me smiling and keep reminding me that God's fingerprints are all over our lives in every detail, every step we take, every word we share, in the journey of living.  This is our life and we're living it.

Bundled up to walk over to Memory Care.  It was a beautiful day!  Photo by our 11 year old son, Joseph.

It was SO worth it to pursue that joy and nurture love.  Seeing my daddy's face when he saw us today and those big blue eyes, looking at me with more clarity of mind than I have seen in two weeks was worth it.  He wasn't just smiling for me and the boys, he was smiling the biggest for Mom.

This song sung by Jimmy Durante was all about today. "  Make Someone Happy " 
" Someone to love is the answer.... make someone happy, make just one someone happy and you'll be happy too." 



 My dad looks SO much better!  He's up walking with his walker again today.  Yesterday was a good day too.  He's not as confused because he's off the pain medication for his back.  His coloring is better.  I found him sitting in the living room reading his news paper.  He didn't know we were coming today.  What a surprise!

 He has been so worried he wouldn't see Mom again.  He has voiced this to my brother and others.  He has not been able to make his usual visits for two and a half weeks now because of his sudden back pain.  To him that seems like forever.   I didn't know if I should have told Mom what he was fearful of today or not, but I did.  I told her he didn't have a fractured hip, that he was better and getting off the pain medication.  I told her he missed seeing her so much and coming over to visit her.  She asked, "Is he crying about me?"  Oh my, her insight!  The answer was yes, but I couldn't tell her that.  I just didn't have the heart.  That was too sad.  She was about in tears when she asked me.  I just told her he needed to see her and the boys and I had come so she could.

Amazing what you can remember with dementia.  My mom remembered me telling her that Dad was afraid he wouldn't see her again.  So much she forgets right after I tell her and she knows it and tells me all the time.  Emotional things attached to Dad she remembers.  Oh how God intwines our hearts and makes our hearts in tune with our spouses!  I shouldn't be surprised.  It's been this way for decades with them.

She had a little talk with Dad about just this subject.  She told him not be afraid, she was still right there and was not going to leave him. He said it was a "different world" there where he was.  Yes, it is a totally different world without her there all the time.  I actually didn't hear the first part of this conversation.  I went to the bathroom.  My eleven year old son heard it.  ALL of it.  He told me I missed an interesting conversation.  He said Grandmom looked like she was going to cry.  Thank you Lord for letting my son see that love between grandparents.  Thank you....

When I came back,  I sat on the floor near them and I heard her say, "I love you.  I'll love you forever."  And then she said, "And ever." You know how many times I've seen that written on photographs they have sent to each other over the years?  Many.

God showed me again this afternoon to never underestimate the power of his love through us. They sat and held hands for about an hour.  Most of the time Mom was holding his hands because she said they were cold and she wanted to warm them up. Oh the little things she can still do for him that mean so much.  Just that loving touch that only she has and no one else.

Dad felt so comfortable after we got him a long sleeve shirt, that he started falling asleep on Mom.  His forehead falling right on her hand holding his.  She would have stayed there for a long time, as long as he was napping I think.  I left them for a time and came back and found this.

They had both fallen asleep.  It looks like Dad is kissing her hand. Kissing her hand as he naps.  Her hands wrapped around his, keeping one of them warm.   How much more could they minister to each other in the small, yet huge things if they were not separated due to medical issues?  So very much is what I saw today.  She helped him get his long sleeve shirt on, she helped smooth out the wrinkles, she was the calming voice, and the voice of reassurance.  All of those things make a HUGE difference.  He needs his bride.  He's always needed Mom.  He especially needs her in this time of aging and Alzheimers.  It lightens his load knowing God's gifts of  loved ones are still there with him.

Love.... it ministers to us and gives us peace.  Dad was so peaceful with Mom there.  I hated having to take her back to her building. Oh I hated walking to the elevator and leaving him all alone in his chair there with his newspaper.  "Dad, I miss you," I told him.  I do.  "We're going through this together. We're all in this together, ok?  You are going to get stronger so you can go see Mom again just like you used to."  He looked at me and said, "We'll make it work."  So typical of my dad and his "can do" positive attitude. Those exact words I've heard him say all my life.  We'll make it work.... yes we will.  All of us, whatever it takes with God's strength and love to see us through.  
 I needed to hear that from my dad today.  I needed to hear that strength once again that he has not given up the fight with Alzheimers. 

Tomorrow, my brother comes to bring Mom back over.  It is Saturday.  So they will see each other again.  Dad is getting stronger.  With physical therapy and occupational therapy he'll be back to making his visits again.  I know he's going to love that so much.  And one day in my heart I know these two will be together living in the same building.  I feel it with all my heart.  Medical issues must be the reason for this of course, but I just feel like this is the way God is leading our family.  Daddy would love nothing more. 

Make someone happy.... Three people were very happy today.