My parents moved to the retirement community today two years ago. This was the week Dad and I went out to visit it and saw his room. We had a plan for Mom to be in rehab until she got stronger from her back surgery and then she'd move into another room right next to Dad in the assisted living building. They would rent two rooms side by side. The facility was going to cut a doorway in the wall and put in a door so the rooms could be connected. One would be their bedroom. One would be a sitting/living room. There were actually two rooms empty side by side at this time too. It was a perfect plan.
Dad didn't ever want to move permanently I don't think. He wanted to be at the condo. However, he'd do anything for Mom. He'd move heaven and earth for her if he could. He'd give up living at the condo if he could stay with her. Always in the back of his mind he wanted to be at home, back at their beautiful condo among the big Oaks in one of their favorite parts of town. Mom wanted to go home too.
I'll never forget the family meeting we had about mom with the staff in the skilled nursing building, as she was phasing out of medicare rehab. They said because of her dementia and diabetes mixed together she would not do well in Assisted Living. They would not do her sliding scale for insulin over there and her dementia was such that she would not be a good fit for that building.
Our plan, our perfect plan we had worked out so they could stay together was not going to take place. Dad was going to be by himself in a room in the assisted living building and she was going to have to stay in the skilled nursing building in a semi private room with a perfect stranger, because of her medical needs.
My heart broke.
They showed me the piece of paper with the different stages of dementia on it. " This is the stage where your mother is. This is where your father is." They were at two different stages. My parents were going to be separated because of dementia and diabetes. How could this ever be? These two have never been separated in their entire lives outside of hospital visits or my dad traveling for his job, which was rare. How could we separate 57 years of marriage? And how could we explain this to Mom or to both of them?
It was a gradual process of explaining as things went along. At first, Mom used to say, " I don't think I'm ever getting out of here. I think I'm going to be here forever." Dad would always say, " It would be nice to go home, but I don't think Mom will ever be able to go back home again." At this point he understood better than she with his dementia in the state it was in. He longed for home and so did she. I hated that they couldn't go back home. I still do.
I am in the midst of selling their home. It has been on the market for a year. It has been empty for two. It's taken me a good year to let go of yesterday. I'm ready to move on and they have moved on too.
They have adjusted to the separation as well as they can. Mom is now happy where she is. She is grateful for all of the help she receives every day. It has been a struggle some days and the staff is always so patient and understanding. Dementia is such a fussy thing at times and unpredictable. Overall my Mom's dementia has not progressed in two years. Her memory remains stable. It will never get better, we know this. However, I don't believe it will ever decline like Dad's. She does not have Alzheimer's. She has a different kind of dementia.
Mom also has been restored to a much better quality of life than if she had gone home. I don't think any of us could have taken as good of care of her with her diabetes than this facility has. I know most might disagree with that statement. A lot of people don't want to be in a nursing home. Most don't ever want to put their loved one in that situation. For my parents who were aging with dementia so quickly my brother and I simply couldn't do it. Their needs are so great and diabetes is serious and needs serious management. We tried for a year as a family and did the best we could. It still wasn't enough to meet Mom's needs.
My daddy has never one hundred percent adapted to everything. He has tried. I don't think he's ever been completely at peace outside of the condo. As his dementia has worsened and we have seen that he actually has the Alzheimer's form that continues to progress, he longs for home more than he used to. I think he longs for Mom. I think that is where he sees " home now" . I really do. He misses her and needs her.
It's time for my parents to go back home.
It's time for them to be together again.
Even if it's in the same skilled nursing room and that is what
"Home" becomes for them. Home is not always a place anymore. It is being with the one you love.
Two years apart. It has taken my dad two years to decline where he would function ok in skilled nursing now. He would never have been ok there before this year. Things have changed. I'm happy and peaceful that it will happen. We are just waiting on the door to open. Lord please let it open soon. When this door opens I know my mother will have a front row seat of seeing her sweetheart decline with Alzheimer's. It may sadden her. It might confuse her. He might drive her crazy at times when he doesn't make sense. I tell everyone, even though all of this might be true, she is a very strong woman. He is her husband. She would want to be there for him, decline and all, to the very end. " I love you forever...." those words stay with me always.
And my second story.... on the eve of this anniversary, my mother went into diabetic shock last night. She has had the norovirus for 2 days, which has sent her body for a loop and messed up her sugars, and diabetes management. The staff saved her life last night. She was unconscious and unresponsive. It was that dire of a situation. They almost called for the medics to come take her to the hospital, but the nursing staff, including the director brought her around. I was on the phone during part of this. After three different treatments and then an IV with dextrose in it, she all of a sudden opened her eyes and said, " Am I dreaming?"
"Am I dreaming?" .... Oh Mom! What words!
I bet it felt like she was in a dream. Sometimes I wonder if I AM dreaming when these things happen. How in the world did they save her last night? The sugar was going down down down. God you amaze me. How can I doubt that you are there? I can't. There is no question about it.
She started talking to everyone. Telling them she ought to eat something. She knows exactly what to do after a low blood sugar. Eat. Then they had to explain that she had been sick and hadn't been able to. She had forgotten she had had the virus.
Thank you Lord for these wonderful people and for protecting my mom once again. She is still here. This was a very close one...
So on this anniversary we have been doing double duty, working with doctors and nurses to get her insulin scale changed so she can get over this hump with being sick. Many many phone calls for the past two days. She ate all of her breakfast this morning. First thing she has eaten outside of clear liquids in 2 and half days! She is going to be fine. The building is quarantined and we can't go see her. I just want to hug her neck. I just want to tell my Mom I love her. Half of the residents are sick and more could get sick. It is a stressful situation over there. Even the physician's assistant who was so key in helping Mom survive last night's crisis now has the virus herself!
I thanked the Director of nursing profusely last night and this morning. She said, " Well we have a soft spot for your mom." I said I did too. Mom's diabetic Dr. called me today. Two days in a row I've talked to him. He made time for Mom. I thanked him profusely also. He said, " We try." He is so very humble. He knows how unpredictable diabetes is. His motto is the same as Mom's and most diabetics I'd imagine. You do the best you can everyday with what you have.
When talking with the Director of Nursing in Healthcare, she commented on how hard it must be to have both parents in this situation with medical issues and be separated like they are. I told her it was. It was especially sad to watch Dad decline with his memory. She understood perfectly. She said after I told her we'd put Dad on the waiting list for a room with Mom, that she just felt touched by their situation. She could really understand how a couple who had been together so long needed to be together. She hoped it happened sooner than later. I think she will keep her eye open and remember them when room openings come up. Healthcare is currently full.
Hearing those words today was such a blessing to me. I needed that. Tom spoke with the director of Dad's building yesterday. When I was trying to reach him and couldn't during Mom's crisis yesterday, he was actually on the phone with the director of Memory care talking about Dad's bad weekend with his memory. Tom and I have been tag teaming a lot lately. Both women understand how we feel. No one has told us it is a bad idea to have Mom and Dad together. We are receiving support.
So we just have to wait now.... Wait on God to open the door. Then we have to walk through it. I'm ready to walk. I'm going to have buy a case of Kleenex in advance because I will probably use every single one the day they move in together.
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