When Love is Bigger than Your Own Heart

Sometimes love is just too big to keep to yourself.  

In your own heart you feel like you don't have any more to give at times when you are grieving the loss of your mother, but you find out this is not true.  Love for some reason propels you forward to a place you didn't feel like you could go, all because the joy of someone else just seems to become bigger than your own emotional pain.

Flowers kind of help in that department too.  When I look at the Zinnias in my yard, I think of who would like them and who doesn't receive many flowers, can't grow flowers anymore, and needs a bit of sunshine in their lives.  They are so pretty right now. I think of Dad.  I think of some other folks too but the folks I think of don't live in Dad's building.  They live in skilled nursing where Mom used to live.

For over 3 months I had not been able to go inside the actual skilled nursing building  where my Mom lived.  I wanted desperately to hug one nurse's neck, who was extremely fond of my mother.  Dreeta....  She was Mom's nurse on the weekends, every Saturday and Sunday she was with Mom from 7am until 7pm for 2.5 years.  All of those finger pricks to check Mom's blood sugar.... all of the insulin shots.....and making sure Mom ate in order to counteract the insulin.  And then catching all of the low blood sugars.....

Dreeta was actually not working the weekend Mom passed away.  She missed the entire fast decline the last week of June.  When she came back to work the following weekend on July 7th, Moma was gone.  I do not know how some of these people who work in skilled nursing can deal with the grief of losing residents.  It has to be incredibly hard after you build relationships with these people for years.  Mom built many relationships with people.  People loved her and she knew she was well taken care of.  Dreeta had a way with Mom for which I was forever grateful.

About 3 weeks ago Tom and I were visiting Dad.  After our visit, we were standing in the parking lot and he said, "Do you want to go see Dreeta?"  Do I want to go see Dreeta?  Wow, what a question!   Of course I did, but could I walk back in that door?  I'd tried a couple of times.  I'd walked up to the window of one door entrance, saw Mom's room, saw Dreeta at the end of the hall and walked away crying.  I just couldn't walk in there and not cry.  I wasn't sure I could do it this time either, but with Tom with me perhaps I could.  The building and being in the building does not bother Tom.  So he was the perfect person to go with me.  The building does bother me.  Maybe one day it won't.  I'm very visual. I tend to soak everything in personally I guess, but more than the building it's the people inside that affect me.

So I was brave and we went.  My favorite thing of all (besides the hug), was Dreeta's complete surprise and greeting with a smile a mile wide,  "The Postons! The Postons!"  It feels so good when someone is that excited to see you.   I told her the story of how I'd tried to come see her, but was too overwhelmed in grief.  She said she took Mom's passing very hard.   I hugged her neck so tight and told her thank you for everything she did.  I had to.  I had to let her know what a difference she made in Mom's life, in our lives.  I was fighting the tears and she was too.  

Then she told me the story of Mrs. Cooper.  Mrs. Cooper was one of three ladies at Mom and Mrs. Willie's table in the dining room.  Mom and Mrs. Willie died within 2 days of each other.  Mrs. Cooper lost two friends in two days.  Everyone at her table.  How she must have felt.... oh my.  She could not go back in the dining room for weeks Dreeta said.  Eventually they got her to come back down to the dining room for meals, but it took a long time.  My heart just sank.  I felt so bad for Mrs. Cooper.  This loss is so big and wide. 

Then I saw her.... 

She was in her wheel chair coming out of her and Mom's room....

There was Mrs. Leonard my Moma's roommate,  a 95 year old joy filled breath of fresh air.  She was wheeling herself towards us.  I left Dreeta and quickly came over to her and grabbed her hand and gave her a hug.  Oh to see this lady!  It made my day to see her smiling face!  She knew exactly who I was and told me all about how special Ethel was to her....  She told me to come back and see her.  I said I would with the boys when they were ready.

Philip and Mrs. Leonard  exactly 4 months from Mom's passing.

Going back.... is it really necessary?  Is it?  No, probably not, but this powerful thing called love just propels me back and makes me walk to a place that hurts in ways, yet is stronger than my own grief.  How does God do that in me?  How?  I don't want to go into my mother's former residence, yet Mrs. Leonard is there.  Mr. Byrd is there.... I can't seem to get some of these folks out of my head and heart.   This day, God gave me the strength.  I may not always be able to go back.  Grief is a funny, fickle thing.  I'm sure it will depend on many things.  One thing I know, the grief will remain.  Mom is firmly woven into my heart.  She is with me, so her loss is with me, the feeling of that loss will just change in time.  When God gives me His strength to get past my sadness when He wants me to go, I know I can go back now.   

We brought some Zinnias to Mrs. Leonard just yesterday.  Philip and I went over after visiting Granddad.  We had brought him some flowers too.  Here I was again in the parking lot, sitting in the car, asking myself could I do this?  I must have asked Philip 5 times if he was sure he wanted to go inside and give Mrs. Leonard the flowers and a handmade card.  He said he was fine and I promised we would not stay long.  I still wasn't 100% sure if he meant it.  This would be his first time going back.  Of course familiar faces greet us at the door and ask us how we are.  Dreeta was there again, "What beautiful flowers!"  I told her they were for Mrs. Leonard.  

We made Mrs. Leonard's day.   When I told Mrs. Leonard who I was,  "I'm Ethel's daughter...." she replied.  "Yes, you are.  Ethel was a special friend.  I so enjoyed her friendship."  She made my day, but what made my day most of all was her reaction to Philip and the flowers and card.  She did not remember him, though she had seen him many times.  Those pictures of him are no longer in her room since Mom died.  She used to see the boys pictures every single day and of course Mom talked about them all the time.

She loved the flowers.  I asked her what her favorite color was.  "All of them!" she said.  She loved the card and kept commenting about how clever and artistic PJ was.  She must have given Philip 4 hugs by the time we left.  Her joy surpassed my grief in those moments though I was standing in the hallway near Mom's room.  She asked me to put the flowers on her desk.  So I did.  That meant walking back into Mom's room and I was ok.  I tried not to look too much or think too much about where I was.  I just put the flowers on her desk and left.   

I know when Philip hugged Mrs. Leonard, that he was thinking about Grandmama.  I could sense that.  I was thinking about Mom too.  She knows we miss Mom.  She is someone special who we have enjoyed spending time with.  She truly appreciates our time, love and visits.  She always has.  I don't want Philip to feel sad, but we are all walking through this process and we're doing it arm in arm.  All of us grieve on different days in different ways.  No one will ever replace Grandmama.

On the way out I held Philip's hand.  Walking out without seeing Grandmama was hard.  I kind of wanted to cry.  However on the way out I saw Mr. Byrd.  

Seeing Mr. Byrd in April of this year when he was doing better.

He's on oxygen now.  That makes me a bit concerned.  Things change so fast in 4 months, I tell you.  I want to bring him some flowers too.  So many of these people are lonely, and just sit with not much to do.  No one is visiting them.  

But do I go back?  Do I make my sons go back?  Not if they don't want to.  I'm very sensitive to that.  It's tough.  It really is.  People keep telling me to be kind to myself.  Is going back at times being kind to myself if it makes me a little sad?  My mother never went back to the nursing homes where our loved ones lived after they died.  I'm sure she had her reasons, but when we were there I don't remember visiting with staff ever or other people, just our loved ones.  Our story is different.  Mom's nursing home is different and very small.  It's easy to get to know people and build relationships and we did.  

If I don't go back I am keeping my love to myself and love is meant to be given away, not kept inside.  Maybe it's Mom's love in me too....that propels me forward.  She certainly could never keep her love to herself.  Christ's love transferred from person to person.  It truly is a beautiful thing.  Isn't that what He wants us to do? 

Our plethora of Zinnias will be gone soon.  The frost of early November will get them all.  They need to be delivered to someone or someones soon....  and I have an idea.  Yes flowers don't last forever, but love is remembered and isn't that in the end what matters?  

For the Love of a Wooly Bear Caterpillar

It started in Valle Crucis this year.  Mike and I were on a little retreat to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary last weekend.  We were out back of the Mast General Store in Valle Crucis, NC and saw a couple of children looking around in the tall grass near an old barn.  They were trying to find Wooly Bear Caterpillars.  

We found a couple as well and knew that this would be the best present our 8 year old Philip could ever want from the NC mountains.... well except maybe a baby Mallard Duck.  Ha!
So we brought two home, one for Joseph and one for Philip. We don't see many of these around our yard, so we knew it would be fun for a day or so to watch them and then set them free.

What Philip did decide to do is draw them.  

All of us have a Nature Study Notebook.  
We draw things we admire in nature and it's fun to go back and look at the boys' drawings when they were 6 years old or 8 years old and see how their drawings have changed and improved as they have grown.

One thing for certain as I look back on their drawings is this.... they always love to draw insects.  And Philip has drawn the Wooly Bear many times.  Something about the Wooly Bear is just special.

We looked up what they like to eat.  Dandelions was a favorite.  We were able to pick a few in the backyard and I must say, the Wooly Bear got VERY excited when he discovered the flower as you shall see.....

What I love about these photos is how simple life can be.  How truly special it is to just appreciate nature and the small things in life.  My sons help me to do that all the time.  Nothing seems to get unnoticed with these two.  I guess I just crave simplicity right now. I always have but even more so these days.  

God really does teach me a lot through our sons.  I'm forever grateful.

When drawing a caterpillar make sure your specimen is close by or by Philip's preference, ON your paper.  They have a tendency to want to escape or hide which of course can be quite comical and distracting.  Having something close by they love also helps keep them busy, but seeing as caterpillar attention spans are quite short they will still wander off.  (Smile)

It's fun to stop in the middle of your drawing and observe.
"Will he move up the Dandelion stem??  Hmmmm...."

Don't forget to draw the things your Wooly Bear likes to eat.  

Enjoy your Wooly Bear's excitement of his Dandelion.
Make sure you take lots of photos of his activity.  You never know what the Wooly Bear may do.

Mr. Wooly Bear was craning straight up looking so happy.  Philip told me, "He's praising God! Look at him!  He's grateful for his Dandelion."  I thought that was the cutest thing I'd ever heard in my life.  A caterpillar praising the Lord..... well of course he was!
(Big smile)

It's ok to bring another Wooly Bear on your notebook to keep the other one company.  Just make sure he has his own Dandelion to keep him happy also.

This is what happens when you give your Wooly Bear two Dandelions.  He will get excited and explore the new one.

How long will my little boy appreciate Wooly Bears?  How long will he want to draw them in his notebook?  We'll have the memories for a long time and the photos too.  I like to capture these moments because life is a gift and oh so short and I don't want them to forget our simple home schooling days while they were young.  
We set them free that afternoon and watched one sit on a tree root for a long time.  The other one ambitiously took off across the grass to the Pear tree.  Happy to be back in nature, but I wonder if he misses those tall grasses of Valle Crucis? 

20 Years Today

Today is Michael's and my wedding anniversary.  Twenty years.....wow!  How the time has flown by with my best friend.
I wrote about that day last year on this blog.  It tells the story of my wedding dress, how Mom made it for herself in 1953 for her wedding day with Dad and just everything about Michael's and my special day in 1992.  It's a great story.  

Read the special blog post here:  Wedding Day

We've been having true fall like weather the past few days.  I have also had a terrible cold for the past 8 days, but this morning after sleeping in a bit I woke up to sunshine and I felt better than I have in a week!  What a blessing!  We are headed to the NC mountains to celebrate our anniversary soon to see the autumn color.  It's something we've wanted to do for years and are finally taking the time to do.

The entire week I've been sick I have had continued thoughts of Dad.  I want to go see him, but I can't because I don't want to pass along any germs.  I had not seen him regularly for the past month due to the condo selling and cleaning out, and the closing of the place at the end of September.  Then I come down with a cold the weekend I finally have time to see him.  So I knew when I didn't feel heavy cold symptoms today, I had to go see him!

It's my anniversary.  Daddy walked me down the aisle that day.  I just wanted to share that day with him some how again.  I knew Mike and I were going out to eat with the boys later tonight and I knew he and I would have our time this weekend.  I wanted to see Dad.  

So the boys and I went out to the retirement community after school and we walked in Dad's room.  He was resting in the bed.  He propped himself up when we came in.  He was very happy to see us.  He always loves to see the boys.  He calls Joseph, "Son" and Philip, "Little Man".  He's done that for years.  Even if he doesn't say their names anymore or remember their names, he knows they are his grandsons.  

When he got situated and sat up, I told him today was Mike's and my wedding anniversary.  Yes, I had to tell him who my husband was.  When I showed him a picture he remembered.  We are having to give him reminders of people now, which trigger his memory.  He told me our picture is on his bureau and he sees it every day.  That made me feel good.  I like to know he looks at our pictures.

When I told him that he walked me down the aisle 20 years ago, he started smiling and laughing this laugh like he couldn't believe it, but was so happy to be told this.  A tear came out of his right eye.  I gave him a big hug.  Then I sat down on his bed next to him and we went through "his and Mom's" wedding album of my wedding. I showed him all the pictures.  Pictures even of Mom and I and he and Mom and Mike and I together.  Just everything.  He just couldn't get over the pictures.  Walking down memory lane with my daddy, I just needed that today, because I'll never forget the day he walked me his little girl down to the front of that enormous sanctuary and gave me away to Michael.  Such a special day!

Joseph showed Dad his Lego figures.  He put them in some of Dad's model cars, in the Ford with the rumble seat and in the passenger seat with the little glass dog driving.  We all chuckled.

Dad put together this model car decades ago and painted it gold and beige for GA Tech, where my brother went to college for a year.

We always try to find things Dad is interested in.... and just "play".  He loves watching the boys play probably because he's had such a playful spirit his entire life.

We talked for a bit longer.  I gave him some assistance in the bathroom and then we sat down and I asked Joseph to take a few photos of Dad and I.  Dad did mention Mom today, but it was about the photo album, not about where she was or anything like that.  I had not heard him say the word "Mom" since the day she died.  It was nice to hear him say "Mom" again.  I still think he remembers her.  Mike believes that he has stuffed some of what has happened down deep inside himself, plus his disease does not allow his short term memory to hang onto the fact that Mom died recently.  I think he knows she's died, but since he has no concept of time at all whatsoever, that he thinks it happened a long time ago.  So he's not sad about it all the time.  If he thought it had happened recently we'd ALL know about it.  He would be grieving.

So I leave you with these photos.... Daddy and I,  20 years after he walked me down the aisle.  I miss sharing this day with Mom too. We would have gone over to see her today as well, probably would have brought her over to see Dad or visa versa on a good day.  Today's weather was perfect for just such a visit.  

Here's Daddy smiling and waving at Joseph with the camera.  20 years ago I'd never imagine my Daddy would have Alzheimer's and be in the condition he is, but love conquers all and love was all over his face today and in his hugs.  Just what I needed today to help me celebrate Michael's and my special day!

Afterward,  dinner was good too!  We went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants with the boys.  All of these men, big and little in my life....wow!  Lord, I would have never imagined I'd be surrounded by so many males to love on me.  I am. Thank you Lord.  Makes me miss my time with my Moma a bit more, but so grateful for all of the love that surrounds me daily.

Michael and I can't wait to celebrate this weekend in the mountains and I'll be sure to post some beautiful fall pictures from the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains.

Be blessed!
Judith