Some little things, which I still consider miracles, and some very big ones too. Things which I can't truly credit to anyone but the Lord himself.
My life was changed forever nine short weeks ago. Little did I know how deep the death of my mother would affect me. It's one of those things that you can never predict. You try to prepare for when you are walking someone through a long illness or time of frailty. One thing I've learned is that you can never ever prepare for the loss. It's always worse than you expect and cuts deeper for me than in my wildest dreams.
Miracle no. 1:
I have been changed on the inside.
I have new understanding for those who are grieving also, especially those who have lost a mother or father. It's a miracle. I couldn't connect to people before emotionally because I had not experienced that pain. Now I have. I hopefully am more in tune to other's grief and can show more understanding. Yet I know for certain I can never fully understand the depth of anyone else's grief because each experience is unique.
I've also learned there are many who do not understand my grief or do not feel comfortable around my grief. I used to be where they are. I was them. Now I am different because of my pain. I wish it were not pain which makes me different, but it is. No one ever wants this kind of pain. Loss of a loved one will always change your life forever. It is a difficult place to be, yet it is a miracle.
Miracle no. 2:
My daddy is still doing alright. This is huge. So huge I can't even begin to describe it. The absence of his grief for his bride is just unbelievable almost. Yet it is true. He has in the fore front of his mind lost her. She has disappeared to a place we cannot understand. Yet she is there I fully believe still right there in his heart. The miracle of Alzheimer's Disease, the miracle of a beastly disease is my dad's protection from grief in these months after Mom's death. I am in shock quite frankly, yet so very grateful and in complete awe of how God works. I can honestly say I hate this disease so very much at times, which has stolen my daddy away from us. Yet, the question remains, how can I hate it, if it is a blessing in the same breath? Oh this relationship with Alzheimer's and myself, it truly is quite a mystery to me.
Miracle no. 3:
I have a family who loves me..... yes I do. They have been there for me at the highest capacity that they could be. Yes, even my sons, ages 8 and 11, who can sense when I'm having a sad moment and literally rush to my side. "Mommy, are you sad? Mommy are you ok? Mommy let me give you a hug." My favorite is from Philip. He gets very close and examines my eyes so carefully, "Are you crying?" with a concerned smile that melts my heart. To have such advocates in such a time as this. It's a miracle.
Miracle no. 4:
Photographs. I. love. photographs. They are my treasures. They are my history. They bring back memories and smiles, tears too. I have boxes upon boxes of photos. I have over 10,000 digital photos in my photo library on my hard drive from the past 11 years. Then two weeks ago, my hard drive died. I thought I'd lost almost a year's worth of photography. Not just "any" photos either. They were Dad's 79th birthday. Mom's 82nd birthday. Easter with Michael's family. Our trip to Philadelphia, and Charleston, South Carolina. And hundreds upon hundreds of other photos, all gone we thought. Until....my husband Michael spent a week on finding a program which would recover them and we have. A technology miracle. Now THAT was a big one! I have my pictures again and will never wait long to back up my hard drive ever again!
Miracle no. 5:
The sale of a condo. After 17 months on the market, Mom and Dad's condo is selling. Another huge miracle from God. We have been praying for more than 17 months.
Miracle no. 6:
The compassion of a home owners association board. For months I had brought a concern to the HOA board at the condo building where my folks place is up for sale. I was shut down with a big fat, "NO" we will not be doing this for you and the other residents on your floor. This issue was hurting the sale of the condo and other residents. I started writing a letter after feeling so incredibly defeated from a phone call with the board president. It took me 4 drafts and one week to write a letter. I didn't even know if I should send a letter in fact. I finally had it ready to email. Then I received an email. The board changed their mind and decided, "YES" to taking care of this issue. And I had not sent my letter at all!
I will tell you that I was so upset about this issue that I heard my mother's voice, (no joke), loud in my head the night after the defeating phone call. She told me, "Judith, now don't you worry yourself one more minute about this. It's going to be ok. You need to focus on other things, like your husband, your (my) boys, school starting up and your own well being!" She was so very right. So right. It is what she would have told me if she had been alive. They also were truly God's words, but just in the form of her voice. My how he uses things to reach us! My mother's voice!
Miracle no. 7
Two old hymnals.
A Methodist Hymnal and a Presbyterian Hymnal. The Methodist one is from the 1950's. It came from the gentleman that owned our mountain house before we did. It has his name on the inside cover. It was given to us by him.
The Presbyterian Hymnal was my mother's. It is from the early 1930's probably came from the church she grew up in.
I have been reading these hymns of old the past 2 months and they have ministered to me as much as Scripture at times, really because they are so full of Scripture. What I love about reading lyrics to songs is that it is someone's heart on paper. It is their heart for the Lord. Precious words shared, many not put to music for years or decades later. I have found so many treasures in hymns which I do not even recognize, but whose words I'm drawn to. They are glorious comforts to me.
I remember so well singing many of these familiar hymns beside my mother and father in church or in the children's choir. They are like old friends. We will be introducing some of these hymns to our sons this year. I can't wait!
Miracles.....some things I never thought would happen, didn't expect what so ever. Some things I thought were decided already. Some are people. Some are small comforts that have become big comforts. All blessings from God.
It's so special to feel tangible love from the Almighty. I found myself saying to him, "Again Lord?? Again?" I have been pinching myself with gratitude. I almost feel numb. Is this real? Why yes, it is. His love is real. He must have known I needed extra love without Moma these past few weeks.
God has amazed me all over again. He's shown me that he is there. He has shown that his promises are true.
"Never will I leave you nor forsake you."
"I will guide you in the way you should go."
"I will lift you up on eagles wings...."
It has been so awesome to experience these manifestations of God's love in my life.
So very thankful and humbled...
Mom would then say, "Make sure you thank him!"
Oh my Mom! Am I ever!
