Remember the Laughter

August 1st is my Dad's birthday.  He would have been 82 this year.   In my eyes, this is his 2nd birthday in heaven.  I know he continues to do what he always did on earth….smile, laugh and yes probably joke!  I believe Jesus has a sense of humor.  I have to consider that Dad and Jesus may have had a few good jokes together or shared a lot of laughter in the past year.  Something tells me this is highly likely and probable.  Jesus is the one who created that jovial, smiling,  fun spirit in Dad.  If He created it, and it is eternal, why wouldn't it continue in the next life which is our forever home?

There was no one like my dad.  There are a million things I miss about him and it is just easier to say that I miss every single thing about him.   No one ever loved me like he did and no one will ever love me in that way again.  It is a hard pill to swallow even over a year after his passing.  I count it as something intricately special to my life to have had someone love me and show me how to love others as well as he did.  

That joking though….. oh my goodness.  We used to laugh so!  I don't think there has ever been someone in my life who joked and laughed with me like Dad did.  This banter back and forth we used to share.  He loved to see our reactions to his antics and yes the antics were frequent and made Mom smile and shake her head.  "What is your father up to?"  or simply a…"JOE!"  Mom's reaction to his playfulness made us laugh more.  He loved the attention and he loved to hear us laugh most of all.

Trying to distract Mom by gently blowing her direction instead of letting her blow out her candles!  

Dad why isn't the hose attached???

He loved playing with Joseph and Philip

So many happy birthday moments!

Mom…. his beautiful bride and love of his life!

Love that hat Dad!

And MY FAVORITE….  "The Handy man creed-  'If I can't fix it, it ain't broken!"  Yes, I found this shirt at Cracker Barrel and thought of him.  It was his 76th birthday.  Dad, the handy man who loved tools, wood working and any thing home improvement.

The silly things we used to do:  putting the sock monkey stuffed animal in the dining room chair for him to find at dinner or under the covers at his pillow at night.  Little messages on things.  The pretend "stone, hard, stale biscuits" scenario (take your home made biscuit and pretend to tap it on your plate while you are taking your knife under the table and tapping it on the underside of the table to make the sound effect)   This was a joke he played on Mom a long time ago.  Funny hand made cards with speech balloons attached to printed  photos we cut out and put on the card to make him smile.  He took everything in stride and never took anything personally.  He made sure with his joking that no one else did either.  His jokes were clean, sometimes corny, but very entertaining.  He often times joked about his "lack of hair" and getting it wet in the rain.  He and his dentist exchanged  funny birthday cards to each other for years and his dentist told me how much he missed that after Dad passed away.  It was something to which he always looked forward.

 It was the gifts of making others smile, his actual smile, his ability to help people see they were valued and loved even in the midst of a funny "break the ice" remark which made him unforgettable.  I can't think of how many grocery store clerks he would be kind to or joke with on a regular basis.  If you were having a bad day and you ran into Dad, he would make your bad day more manageable by helping you to forget your worries if only for a few minutes.  Even in the nursing home with Alzheimer's disease at its worst, he would smile, laugh, and joke around with the staff.  He was always so grateful for everything they did for him.  They loved his fun loving personality and several told me they already missed his jokes the day after he died.

Our personalities do matter to God.  He created our spirits to be unique and to shine a part of who He is.  The Lord allowed Dad to keep those parts of himself which reflected who he was the most,  even when Alzheimer's had stolen so much of his life away.  That love.  That gratitude for others and what they did for him.   That fun loving spirit.  Those were things Alzheimer's could never take away in him.

So August 1st was always such a happy day!  It was fun to celebrate my dad.  It was fun to joke with him about his age, flipping the numbers to make him younger…..  "I'm 62, no that would be 26 thanks very much."  44, 55, 66, and 77 were not years this worked and we let him know it.  I think in my Dad's heart he was always youthful.  He lived his life this way with a vivacity and love of the gift of life God gave him.  He saw life as a gift.  He saw us as a gift.  He saw his faith as a gift.  I do know one thing…. he never ever wanted to grow old.  

 He aged gracefully by always staying active and in physically good shape.  When he did grow old, he'd refer to himself as "your old dad"…. but to me he wasn't old in spirit even if Alzheimer's made him physically look 10 years older than he was.  He was always my Papa Bear….funny, loving, encouraging, strong, full of life, happy, and spirited.

He was my hero dad.

I miss him so.  There is a huge void in my life which can never be replaced.  Life just isn't the same without him there on a regular basis.   I remember the laughter we used to share and all of those birthdays seeing his face light up and a hearty chuckle from my hand made corny, silly cards…..  He loved them.  He just loved being with all of us.  Mom, Tom, the boys and Mike and I.  He loved his friends too; they were a special part of his life.

I can't wait to get in on the joking and laughter in heaven.  I know Daddy's spirit is not dead.  He lives forever more and is waiting for us to join him so we can experience his joy, laughter, and love of eternal life with the one who created that very spirit in us!

I love you Daddy!  Happy Birthday!  
Love,
Your little girl

This is a video tribute of Dad I made and set to music.  

Joseph F. Poston, Jr iMovie

The photos span his lifetime from childhood to the last photo we had with him as a family in early March 2013.  The music I selected reflects his musical tastes.  He loved piano music.  "Beach Spring" is a famous American folk tune I love.  "Someone to Watch Over Me" is exactly what he was to all of us…..he was that father who was always there.  "Make Someone Happy" is what he did all of his life and when Alzheimer's came it is what we tried to do for him.  We tried to bring joy to him every chance we could.  The last song, "Smile" conveys what he did those last years with Alzheimer's disease.  "Smile, though your heart is breaking…. smile and the sun will come shining through for you…."  It is what he continued to do battling the loss of his memories and life as he once knew it.  It is what we all strived to do and did when we were with him though our hearts were breaking watching his decline.  It defines his courage and strength.  

We're Always Better Together

The "Better Together Celebration" of the YMCA of Greater Charlotte is fast approaching.  I am so excited!  It will be an evening where the Y's greatest volunteers are celebrated and cherished, where reflection of the past year's big and little successes are honored.  All of them, even the tiniest accomplishment in the name of Christ matters.  It is an evening where you leave with your heart so full you'll think it will burst.  Last year I had tears, smiles and laughter all at the same time.
     
   March of 2013 was my first time being invited to the event.  I had no idea what to expect.  I was excited to go and was able to sit with Mike and our dear friends who are heavily involved with one of the YMCA branches.  I met new people and was hugged by more than one who had been working with us on Dad's Scholarship Program in Aquatics.  Even in a sea of people I felt like there was this joy there that flowed out of the people who were there.

 I loved the YMCA stories I heard that night.  One told of the special needs sports teams created at certain Y branches and what the volunteers and kids had accomplished that year.  Then the aquatics story: a gentleman who decided in his mid 80's that it was never too late to try to improve his health and learned how to swim at his community Y, his daughter cheering him on each week.  Eventually, "Mayor Bill" was swimming a mile a day with a snorkel and hand paddles at his community YMCA.
      
See his Y Story here on you tube.  Bill Heller's Y STORY- "Believe in Health and Well Being"  It is a great testimony!

 There were so many stories and so many people honored for special reasons.  The outreach to the community was just incredible and I had fresh eyes to see exactly what the YMCA of Greater Charlotte does in the name of Christ.  It was like I had stepped into this world through my father, which I had not fully understood before or seen with my own eyes.  Obviously my dad believed in what the YMCA stood for.  He wouldn't have made it a part of his life for 4 decades otherwise.   

YMCA Mission:  "To put Christian principles into practice through programs that build healthy spirit, mind and body for all."  

Through this celebration and other experiences at the Y over those prior 3 months, I saw over and over again that my city's YMCA was living the mission statement and it was their focus.  I would have never seen things on the inside if it had not been for my dad.  I was so honored to be a part of this celebration.  I felt like I was saving a seat for him when I sat in the theater.  I was sitting next to Mike, but I declare my dad was taking a seat in my heart all night.  He would have deeply appreciated this celebration and knowing him he would have been in his "element" of being around other people.  He loved people.  

      I left the theater with a warmth and  joy in my heart that did not go away.  It was there to stay.  The YMCA of Greater Charlotte had made a deeper impact on me in that 90 minutes.  It solidified even more my positive experiences with the Y.  

"Gosh Daddy, I just wish you could be here!!"   

It is quite bittersweet this year as I receive the invitation in the mail.   I'm so excited and want March 17 to be tomorrow.  The timing of the celebration is what makes it a happy and hard moment at the same time.  

The day after the 2013 celebration my dad had a mini stroke and we put him on Hospice Care.  It was a scary day in so many ways.  Alzheimer's Disease was becoming so advanced for him and exactly one week from the Better Together Celebration my hero stepped off the cliff of the most advanced stage of Alzheimer's disease into the arms of his Heavenly Father.  "That's enough Joe…. it's time to come home."  When my daddy could no longer smile, laugh or be that bright shining light for all to see,  I think his mission in life was fulfilled on earth.  

This year I won't have the same perspective as I sit next to Mike in Knight's Theatre.  I know Dad is smiling again.  He isn't suffering anymore with the cruelty of a disease that stole his life.

I'll still be saving a seat for him on March 17th.  He'll be sitting with me in my heart. I'll be reminded of his love for me, his love of his family, his love of his God and for a community where he lived all of his life.  

The YMCA was a cherished place for him and as his scholarship program in aquatics takes off for children to receive free swim lessons in our city,  my brother and I are there to see it through and be the cheerleaders.  

You can do it!         I believe in you!       Way to go!     That's good!    Come on!  Come on!  Kick!  Kick!     That's it! Keep going!    Come on now, you can do it!    Move those arms!
Breathe!  Breathe!    Keep coming!  Keep coming!     Do you see where you are?  You made it to the 9 ft end!     Fantastic!   You did it!   ~ Joe

"Better together"….. Dad would agree with that.  We are meant to be in community.  We are to love our neighbor as ourselves, care about our communities and champion those who need a cheerleader and encourager in their corner.  It's up to us.  It's our choice.  To serve or not to serve.  I'm so glad my Dad loved to serve other people. He was such a great example of the person I always hoped I grow up to be!!

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."   Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

"You shall love the LORD your God with all of your heart, and with all of your soul, with all of your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself."  ~ Jesus
Luke 10:27

Our Alzheimer's Journey Has Ended

Our journey with Alzheimer's Disease has ended.  We finished it with love.  We finished it well through our many tears, our heartbreak, and our thankfulness and blessings all wrapped up into one.  Sometimes I can't believe I am still standing, but I am and my heart may be a bit rough around the edges in places, and that's ok.  My life has been changed forever through this journey with Dad.

My daddy passed away March 25, 2013 in the wee hours of that Monday morning.  In those moments he said "goodbye" to the world of Alzheimer's forever and said "hello" to his new everlasting life with Christ in heaven. 

It is kind of surreal to know the journey has ended.  It has been the most incredibly challenging, heart wrenching journey I have ever been on.   It is also the most rewarding, honorable path I've ever walked.... the highest calling God has asked of me in my adult life.  The calling of being a "daughter".  

"Daughter"....there is so much wrapped up in that word for me personally.  It has meant everything to me because my parents and their love have meant so much to me my entire life.  I have realized the calling of daughter was not for a faint heart.  It has required more of myself than being a wife or mother.  That may sound strange as those are huge callings as well and ones I take seriously, but being a daughter and walking beside my hero through thick and thin to the very end has taken me places no other experiences in life have.  There have been so many practical "new" things I have learned in life which I would not have experienced now without being in the role of "daughter, steward, representative and advocate".  There is no other place I would have wanted to be for the past few years.  No where except beside both of my parents.   I have never looked at my role as a chore....even when tasks seemed daunting and insurmountable.  We got through them together or with the help of family and dear friends.  

It has been an honor.
It has been a privilege.
It has been a joy....to walk hand in hand with my dad.... and my mother.  

The journey has taught me so much.  I've learned more about myself than I want to know I think at times.  I've learned I am extremely loyal and must be pretty patient.  I have learned my primary spiritual gift is not teaching.  It is encouragement and showing mercy to others.  I have found out what lengths I will go to protect and champion a frail and feeble parent.  I have found out I am stronger than I think I ever was, even though many times I felt like I was losing control of my life so many times on the inside.  

In short the disease has tested me to the core of my being.  It has crushed my spirit at times and made me feel true despair.  It has opened my eyes to the suffering of another human being who lived daily with the slow agonizing process of losing his mind and all that goes with that....  the paranoia, the anxiety, the fear, the shame and embarrassment of losing his memories, the confusion, the desperation, the loneliness....

Watching these struggles for 4 years has been unforgettable.  I think this journey has made a mark on me for life!  I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.  This entire experience has changed my life forever.   It truly has been a long goodbye.  There were huge and little losses along the way which we grieved hard.  Every single step down my dad took I grieved with all my heart and soul.  I have written about many of these step downs and one day I may publish these posts.  Our grief with dad was ongoing.  It never really stopped for very long.  Just when the plateaus would occur and things leveled out, we were still waiting for "the other shoe to drop".  We constantly seemed to be waiting for the next step down though we continually and selfishly hoped it would never ever come.  There was a constant sense of loss with him each year.  Things Dad could do in 2010 he couldn't do in 2011 and so on.  From 2011 on, my brother and I could see off in the distance the "train wreck" waiting to happen before it happened.  We had a lot of anticipatory grief of what Alzheimer's would do to our father eventually, how it would affect him physically and emotionally and everyone who loved him closely.  

One of the main things Alzheimer's has etched into my heart is love.  We loved in the moment.  We found and brought joy to Dad in the moments we were with him.  He would never remember our visits or that we were there sometimes after leaving him.  Love taught me it didn't matter that he forgot.  We spent our time with him and made him feel loved and valued while we were with him.  WE knew we were there and would remember we had been there, even if he didn't.  I know it has to be extremely excruciating for family members to continually visit their loved one when they are left with only a shadow of the person they once knew.  Some think it too unbearable or not worth their time due to their loved ones state of dementia, so they stop coming as frequently to see them.  I think if our circumstances had been different, and Dad had lost even more of himself, we would have been faced with similar questions.  "Do we keep physically loving with our presence, even if he doesn't know who we are or that we are even here?"  It is a place no one wants to be with their loved one..... but I think Tom and I would have continued to see our dad no matter what, because of one simple reason..... he was still OUR dad and we loved him.  That love we have always had, does not disappear even if our hearts are full of pain.

Of course there are always things to be thankful for along the journey.  I found my own mental state of mind and well being rested on finding the silver linings along the way.  Those pieces of the journey we could hold on to and smile, laugh, or be comforted by were so important to me.  A journey like Alzheimer's can leave you feeling like there is little or no hope.  I knew my dad was not going to be cured of this disease.  God showed me so many times along the way these little gifts in my daddy, which I cherish to this day.  Whenever Dad would light up with his smile at the sight of us, or when we showed him photographs of the family it was worth every single second of our time.  We lived for those smiles, his words of love, and if we could make his day in any form or fashion we certainly tried.  He most certainly made many of our days!  God truly was so good to us in allowing the most important parts of Dad's personality and core of who he was as a person to remain.  His love for his family.  His joyful spirit.  His gratitude of others and their service.   

My precious "Papa Bear" was an inspiration to many folks and to many who cared for him in those 20 months in the Memory Care building at the Carriage Club.  The very next day after his death, nursing aids told me they were already missing him.

They miss his smile.... his gratitude....and his joyful,  fun-loving spirit.

I miss everything about my daddy.  
Absolutely everything.

There has never been anyone who has loved me like he did....and there will never be anyone who will love me like that ever again.   

That is from where my heartbreak stems.  The relationship with my hero which I've had all this time is what I will miss so much.

I will miss the gentle reassurance in his words, his laugh, his strength that made me feel so safe, the whispered I love yous, the loving affirmation of being his daughter, his joking antics, his integrity, his joy and the love I always felt from him.  I will also miss our time together.

Dad was so brave....  so very brave though this journey.  He had an inner strength which shone through at times when the disease would allow it.  It was those glimpses of who he used to be that I hung on to with all my heart.  Those were like little messages from God saying to me, "Underneath this illness, your daddy is still the same man he has always been.  I did not forget your Dad and his memories are safe with me."  These peeks back into yesteryear were all such gifts to me.

I can also say that we were spared the agony of stage 7 of dementia.  The stage where your loved one loses his ability to talk, swallow well, walk,  feed himself, be continent and basically is at the mercy of someone else to do absolutely everything for him.  We have seen those in stage 7 in my mother's building before she died.  We saw them frequently in Dad's building as well.  Wheelchair bound unable to really move at all, unable to communicate or really smile.  Heartbreaking for the person with the illness and for the family.  Dad only had to go through stage 7 of Alzheimer's for 4 days.  That is all.... just 4 days.  He had elements of stage 6 and 7 from right after Christmas 2012 until the last week of his life when he had a mini stroke and literally "fell off the cliff of stage 7".  I was selfishly so grateful Dad never had to go through months or years of the last stage of dementia.

So many blessings at the end and throughout the journey.  One day I plan on writing more about specifics of the journey.  I do not want to forget where I have been.   Sometimes I wonder what in the world is next for me?  There is a huge void since the passing of my parents only 9  months apart.  Being their advocate, helper and caregiver has been a part of my every day life for the past 4 years.   Where do I go from here?  I don't know yet.  In time I believe I will figure that out.  I do think though my life will have to include helping others on their journey with Alzheimer's or aging parents because the Lord has taught me too much and blessed me too much to keep it all to myself.  I have such a love for the elderly.  My mom helped instill that in me as a child long ago.  I also now have an appreciation and love for those with dementia which I never had before.  Time will tell where my life goes next and where new doors will open.

We are most grateful for your prayers in our loss of our Dad~Joe and our Mom~Ethel.
I find joy in knowing my parents are together once again, but this time without all of their physical ailments and illnesses.  I know they are so happy to be with the Lord and each other!

We can feel your prayers and please know that God is faithful to walk with you on what ever journey you may be on. He walked with us in both of my parent's cases and trials of Type 1 diabetes, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma and Alzheimer's.... through every valley, hill, puddle, storm and mountain. He is faithful to see you through whatever trials you may be facing because of His great love for you! 

Great is His faithfulness!
Amen.

Love,
Judith

New Life

Everywhere I look lately are the signs of new life.....
....spring arrives officially in four days.

Flowers are appearing everywhere.  Many are my favorites.

Trees are awakening with buds and the most intricate blooms which just take my breath away when I look through the camera lens.

How could anything so tiny and full of detail be so delicate, graceful, and complex?

.....only the Lord could create such beauty.

"Don't forget about new life....." are words I hear.  I'm thinking about those words a lot lately.   There is new life all around me, but there is new life to come too in heaven.

My daddy has pneumonia.  It is a hard time for him right now, because Alzheimer's is a huge road block to his healing.  Yes, I'm thinking a lot about new life this week.  Sometimes I wonder if I should look at his disease a different way these days.  Instead of Alzheimer's winning as it continues to steal him away, maybe I should have a different perspective.... "heaven is winning...." and in the end whenever that may be, Daddy is walking closer to heaven every day.  He IS winning in the eyes of eternity because God is renewing the imperishable every day as the perishable continues to fade before him.  We are all walking toward eternal life either with or without our Lord.   Life continues day by day for us until we breathe our last breath here and step over the threshold from this life we know to the  next.  My daddy will be greeted on the other side of the horizon with "Welcome!"  I can just hear it now, "You're here!!!  I'm so happy!  Well done my good and faithful servant."

This hope does not take away my sadness watching my dad suffer from his illness and now added illness on top of what he daily battles.  It does not make his journey of Alzheimer's any easier or stop the continual losing of his mind.  It doesn't take his pneumonia or many other health challenges away,  but it HELPS me COPE better with life's situations that are not easy and COMPLETELY out of my control.

New life....

So thankful for new life all around me.....

If the Lord God cares so much about what He created in nature all around us, why would he not care even more for us?

The answer is.....
....He does.

Jesus told us not to worry.
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?..... "Matthew 6:26

He loves us more than the birds, budding trees, and blooming flowers in all of their splendor.   He gave up His very life for us so we could have that new life He promises for all eternity.   John 3:16  just means even more when I look through my camera lens at my Bradford pear blossoms and the trees blooming in the special places I love and appreciate close to my home and my heart.

I remember the hope we have in Christ.
Easter is coming!
May Easter's hope bring a renewed joy to our lives!

A Gift to Make You Smile

Sometimes acts of kindness go a long way and arrive at the perfect time.  It is special, when you can take part in sharing that kindness too.  

I feel like I've made a new friend at the YMCA since December.  His name is Anthony Grillo.
He has played a special role in helping to get our dream off the ground for Dad through Dad's gift to the YMCA of Greater Charlotte.  He's given us his time, his input, shared his enthusiasm and joy for those he helps every day at the YMCA of Greater Charlotte.  Recently, he has shown a special kindness to my Dad..... He has given Dad a gift.

A gift to make you smile.

A book with photos from the Stratford Richardson YMCA full of eager swimmers and some of their swim instructors.

The first time Anthony shared these photos with me before the book was made, I cried.  I did.  It made my day!  Yes, sometimes I cry these days when my day is made!  This was one of those times.  The photos were so beautiful and full of joy!  All of those smiling faces.... oh. my. goodness!   My brother and I had just met with Anthony, Dean Jones and Laura in Aquatics to finalize Dad's gift to the YMCA at the end of December when I saw these photos.  Seeing this dream in the making....wow....I am humbled so much.  It's hard to put into words how special this is.  My prayer remains for the Lord to take this dream and help it come true for families in need.  So many children just like these in the photos will learn to be proficient swimmers.  It will provide many opportunities in aquatics for families who cannot afford lessons for their children, or who want to learn to swim as an adult.  There are so many ways the Lord could take this.

All I know is I trust the Lord with my DREAM and I trust Him with my daddy's illness.  Even if Dad may never "fully" see this dream come true due to his current state of health with Alzheimer's, we will be his eyes, ears, mouth and feet when we need to.  There is so much of our dad in Tom and I both.  He has poured so much of his love and himself into our lives that we carry his love around with us in our hearts all the time.  We are here to keep the dream alive and well!  I am so excited to be involved with this over the next five years for Dad, for the those whom this will impact, and for those with whom we are involved at the YMCA of Greater CLT and whomever else may cross my path along the way.

I picked up the photo album at the Dowd on Friday and brought it over to give to Dad the next day.
When I opened the box there was a note inside....

Oh Anthony.... how special!  My son, Joseph and I couldn't wait to open the album and we did right then and there, in the car, in the parking lot of the Dowd.  Joseph said, "Granddad is going to really like this!"  I agreed.  I also couldn't wait to show it to Tom or my husband Mike!

These are photos from that day!  Thank you Anthony for your kindness in making a gift which tangibly can be shown to my father to bring him joy.  His 45 years at the YMCA were some of the happiest times of his life.  If he can't physically make it to the Dowd right now for his special day, we can always show him the photo album anytime we visit and we can reminisce about the YMCA!

One a side note..... when my brother and I walked in.... Dad just happened to be wearing one of his DOWD YMCA staff polo shirts.  What a coincidence!  No one could have planned that!  I started laughing.  I did.  How PERFECT!!  I just smile when I see Dad wearing one of his Y shirts.

Anthony Grillo these photos of my daddy are for you!

Thanks for bringing joy to my dad!

Most truly yours,
Judith

"When you're smilin', the whole world smiles with you!"
~ Louis Armstrong

The Silver Lining Part 2 ~ People who share your love and appreciation of your loved one

What is the silver lining in this heart breaking disease of Alzheimer's?

I first wrote about LOVE being the main silver lining I see in our family's journey with my dad.

Tonight another one came to my mind.  I want to try to start writing down some of these "silver linings" I find along the journey.  When I look back I can see those things for which I'm grateful and be reminded of those things when we are having bad days.

Tonight the silver lining has to do with other people.

People who love your loved one also.

People who appreciate, admire, and have a history with your loved one.

I received a phone call tonight out of the blue on my dad's cellphone.  Months ago he stopped being able to understand how to make calls on his phone, answer calls on his phone and really just would see the phone and not understand what it was.  This was a bit hard to swallow over a period of a month or two.  One thing my dad and I were able to do for the past 3 years since he moved to the retirement community was talk on the phone every single day sometimes many times a day.  He'd call me or my brother about different things at all hours of the day or night.  He needed advice.  He needed something from the store.  He'd call to ask a question about something he was confused about.  He'd share about how bad his memory was and how anxious he was about his life living with this disease.  So many things.... And he'd still call to tell me he loved me.  He always ended his calls with "Thank you honey."  Always so grateful for me talking to him.  At one point my brother and I became the "calming voice in the storm of memory loss".  He depended on us so much during those moments when he lived in assisted living. The phone was truly our life line for those years.

When the phone stopped ringing completely I knew the step down was permanent.  He would never be calling me on his own again.  So I brought the phone to my house for safe keeping.  I was planning on canceling the number and the phone line.... I just have never had the heart to do it yet.

After tonight I'm glad I hadn't.

Someone called his phone tonight.  It was an old friend of his from the NC mountains.  Someone he'd worked with on projects with his company for at least 12 years.  They had formed a friendship in working together and that friendship continued over a 20 year period.

What was so interesting about this call was how this gentleman called in the first place.  He had found an old address book.  He hadn't seen it in a long while.  He started looking through it.  He then thought of Dad, he explained.  He looked under the letter of Dad's last name and found his number.  He had no idea if the number was the right one anymore, but thought he'd try it.  He had lost touch with Dad for the past 5 years.

That would have been the last summer Mom and Dad went to the mountains to house sit for friends during the summer months.  It was the last time they spent any significant time in that area of the NC mountains.

So it was a surprise when I answered the phone yet the man did not even 100% expect Dad to answer.

We had the nicest conversation.

He told me over about 45 minutes the story of a friendship that had spanned 20 years.  He told me about what he did as a profession and how Dad was involved with the projects that he was in charge of with driver safety training.  Dad would bring the DuPont employees who drove the company cars up to Appalachian State University for an intense driver's safety and training program.  Dad did this for about 12 years.  Employee safety was one thing he was in charge of in the textile fibers department of the Charlotte DuPont office, among many other things.

I also learned my dad and this gentleman were connected by prostate cancer.  His cancer being much worse and his treatments much more intense than Dad's.  They even shared one of the same doctors. I can only imagine what a comfort they were to each other during times of cancer treatments.

I learned how they went out to lunch and what their favorite restaurant was, how Mom and Dad and he and his wife would spend time together when they were in the mountains during some summers.  He shared that he and his wife have been married almost as long as Dad and Mom were.... close to 60 years.

He thought the world of my dad and told me so and why.  He counted him as a very good friend and he said Mom was a true lady and incredibly sweet.

I did have to impart our sad news of Mom's death and Dad's Alzheimer's illness.  I updated him on things and he was so appreciative.  I promised to send him a card in the mail with photos of Dad and the family.  I felt like I'd made a new friend by the end of the conversation.

To have a glimpse of this history, this friendship between this man and my dad was such a comfort to me!  Knowing people remember the dad you have always known and loved is so important when you walk this journey of Alzheimer's.  It always slips out of my mouth to the staff in Memory Care at one time or another how I wished they knew Dad even just 5 years ago.

Knowing other people love your parent too, is more of a comfort than I ever realized.

I do not think I'm going to cancel my dad's phone.... not yet.  Who knows if I'll get another call like this one.  The number is the one my parents have had for over 40 years.  We kept this number for dad so he could remember his telephone number for as long as possible and so his friends would still be able to contact him.

So my silver lining of today is just that.  Hearing the words of a gentleman who has never met me and yet we share something so special in common.....  Dad.

The Silver Lining

"Where is the silver lining in this destructive disease of Alzheimer's?"

Christmas Day 2012

I have been asking myself this question every single day for the past month.  I have also been writing this post for a month.  Every time I start to press the "post" button something changes in my Dad's illness and I have to start all over again.

Why am I asking this question this past month?  Why have I been asking myself this question for the past 3 years?  I ask it because the journey of the "long goodbye" becomes tougher as time passes.  Step downs you mourned so much a year ago are of the past.  Things you were so grateful to have with your loved one a year ago are now the losses of today.  It is an incredible journey my brother and I are walking with our hero. Amazingly painful.  Amazingly bittersweet. Incredibly special too.  It's sorrow and love, laughter and tears all mixed up into one.  We are the by standers at times watching, unable to stop the losses dementia brings.  Our family and friends are the prayer warriors as well, praying for Dad through it all.  We are the cheerleaders.  We are the optimists and the realists.

We are family.  

I've realized just in the past two weeks that Tom, my brother and I are truly double grieving at this point.  We mourn the loss of Mom.  Seven months only seems like yesterday.  Now we mourn Dad more than ever.  One parent is alive.  One parent has passed on.  I've learned so much about grief the past 7 months.  I've been doing a lot of listening and reading.  When I feel like I'm losing my mind at times or am just not connecting to people, or find myself annoyed, exhausted or full of tears again,  I realize this is totally normal.  This is my journey of grief.  It is a season.  Sometimes for me the past three years seem like ten.  The Holy Spirit comforts me when no one else can.  The prayers of my dearest family and friends comfort me.  The realness of my brother's and my relationship and his ability to understand my feelings is such a comfort to me as well.  We are finishing each others thoughts lately.  I am so grateful for my big brother!!  I don't know where I'd be in this process without him by my side.

My husband, Mike is there for me.  He does not fully understand how this all feels with losing parents, but he tries so hard to understand and he is the best listener on the planet.  He loves Dad.  He loved my mother so very much too.

This journey of loss has its incredibly lonely moments.  Just when I feel alone, God provides.  Someone calls me.  Tom texts me.  I receive a card in the mail, a sweet email or note on my facebook page, a hug or kiss from my husband, or an "I love you" from one of my sons and I realize I am not alone, no matter how lonely I may feel.  What I am noticing though as time goes by and this drags out is that less and less people truly know what to say to you.  What can you say?  Sometimes there are no words.  I don't even have them.

Our new step down with Dad:

The plateau from  January of last year has ended for now.  The step down currently is quite noticeable to us.  To me it is huge, compared to other step downs he's had.  It's hard to compare the severity of this one to others he's had, but we are now at the point where we never wanted to be.  My daddy is starting to forget me, as his daughter as the "new normal".  He knows I'm family.  He knows he loves me.  He recognizes Tom every visit and says his name and "son".  I am SO incredibly thankful for this.  If Dad were to forget both of us at the same time, it would be more than I could bear.  My brother said the most thoughtful thing to me the other night in a text.  He knows how much it hurts to have Dad begin to forget who I am.  He knows how he would feel.  Big brother hurts for his little sister.  He told me, "I am not ready to accept Dad cannot remember you."  Just hearing those words were so special to me.  I am trying to be realistic.  I am trying to accept this.  Yet deep down I know I will always love those moments when Dad says, "Judith" or Dad says, "That's my daughter."  One day I may still hear those words.  Right now the words ebb and flow.

This entire step down started with a respiratory virus which caused most of this change in his ability to function day to day (the loss of his ability to walk, feed himself, stand up on his own etc.)  He was doing all of those things one day and then 24 hours later they stopped.  It was the most bizarre thing.  Dad is bouncing back physically with standing alone, doing a little walking and feeding himself again.  It has taken a month to even get to where he is now.  His legs are still not strong enough to walk with his walker 100% of the time.  I'm praying we get there.  The part I do not see bouncing back completely is his cognition level.  We are still in "wait and see" mode.  However, when I told the director of Memory Care that my dad was not the same as he was at Christmas she replied so gracefully and compassionately as she could, "No, he's not."

There is a factor I am convinced of with all my heart that is speeding up this decline in Dad.
Simply put, it is grief.  My dad misses his bride so much but I don't think he can express it well due to his illness.  His grief and feelings of loss are coming out in other ways.

The reason I'm so convinced of this is that after talking with one of the nurse's aids one day a month ago, I told her I thought Dad missed my mother.  She told me it was interesting I said that, because earlier on the day Dad bumped his head and all of this decline started,  he was walking around the living room area on his floor asking where Mom was.  He was looking for her!  I was SO appreciative she shared this with me.  If Dad was looking for Mom in the morning, was he looking for her in the middle of the night too when he bumped his head?  What was he thinking?
We have hardly heard him mention her in the past 6 months.  The staff has not either, but a few occasions.  We know he has not forgotten her though and we never thought he would.  It was just the question of "when" would she come to mind?  How would he react to those thoughts?
59 years of marriage to the love of his life.... you cannot deny the love that is there.

My big question remains, " What does grief look like to a husband with dementia who has lost his bride?"

I have been researching this and there is not a lot written out there about it.  I know it has to be a huge question for family members who are helping a grieving parent through Alzheimer's.  How do you help someone in this mental state?  What I've learned from reading about this subject is that we are doing all of the right things so far.  We do not mention Mom.  We do not put Dad through that impact of hearing of her death like it is the first time, over and over again.  If he ever asks me one day where she is, I have an answer.  I will tell him she is resting.  It is something she used to always do.  She loved her naps!  To me it is not a lie either.  It is truth.  She is resting in the Lord's presence daily.  I cannot think of a better way of describing where she is to Dad.

One staff member told me that the holidays are often more difficult for residents with dementia who have lost their spouse.  This change in Dad has all happened around the holidays too.  I just have to wonder if something didn't spark his memory and grief took hold of him for a time.  My brother wonders if Dad has given up a bit, because Mom is no longer there.  She was a BIG, bright, shining light in Dad's every day life.  She made everything better.  There was no one on this earth he loved more than Mom.  There is no substitute for her love.  He does not have it physically with him day to day in battling this confusing disease of dementia.

2009

There are no guarantees that he will bounce back to where he was before on Christmas Day.  We are still in "let's be patient, heal, and regain strength mode".  Being patient and waiting is difficult at times. It has been a bit of a roller coaster ride for Tom and I, with this back and forth of hope and discouragement.  Just when we think he had turned a corner,  we take another 2 steps back to where we were before.  There is a lot of inconsistency these days in what he is able to do day to day.  However the walking is slowly coming back.

We have a physical therapist, Beth, in our corner who loves Dad.  She has seen him from day 1 at the retirement community and has seen the entire  3 year decline.   She remembers when he had no walker.  She remembers when he originally moved into Assisted Living and would walk over to see Mom every single day in the Healthcare building.  She remembers the water therapy in the retirement community pool and how he wowed her with his free style one day.  What a comfort to have someone who knows Dad like this, in our corner!  I cannot tell you what a comfort this consistency in relationship is.  She remembers his joking and fun personality.  When I talked with her on the phone about his step downs and inability to walk even 2 weeks ago, she got choked up and told me she did not like seeing Dad the way he was.  She is going to do everything she possibly can to get him stronger and walking again as the norm.  He remains in the wheel chair for the most part, but those legs will hopefully regain their strength.

Dad has so many routing for him.  The staff is wonderful.  They are all so positive.  They all tell us he is getting back to what he was before.  Tom and I still see step downs, but we are family and we are intuitive about things they may not be.  They see him every day though, for several hours a day and they know his abilities well.
I'm just thankful he has such a wonderful team of people around him.  He is not alone in Memory Care.  There are people around him all the time.  Other residents and loving staff.

I do know one thing, my Dad would never want to be in the state he is now with Alzheimer's.  
The man who always wanted to stay young!  The man who always is so full of life, loves life and has such an appreciation for the life God has given him!  Never in a million years would he want to be in a wheelchair, not remembering his family's names and needing such assistance to function day to day.  His current state is so "not him" and I think this is one reason it is so hard to watch these step downs.

How many times has Dad told me in the past two years when seeing residents in my mother's building who were wheel chair bound not able to function well,  "Honey, if I ever get like that please make me as comfortable as possible."  Those words are so loud and clear in my head these days.  "Daddy, you know Tom and I will not let you down.  Anything you need Daddy, we will do whatever we can to provide it for you."  Last week we swapped out his and Mom's bed of 50+ years for a hospital bed so he could be more comfortable.  He has not noticed the difference in his bed.

"Can't we get pillows for some of these folks?  They look so uncomfortable!" he'd ask me, when looking at some of the wheelchair bound residents in Mom's building.   If there had been a box of pillows I think he would have gone around to every resident who he thought was uncomfortable and put a pillow under their head.  He called me on the phone one time asking me to ask the nurses if they could do something about this issue of making residents comfortable.  He was incredibly serious.  He wanted to help, but even with his dementia then, he didn't know how he could help.

Compassion.  My dad has always been FULL of compassion.

So the past month, I'm looking at my dad and I'm wondering.....

Where is the silver lining in this decline since Christmas?
Where?

I have to know.... I've been asking the Lord to show me what in the world can I be thankful for?  I have to be thankful for something.  I think my heart would completely break if there was nothing to be thankful for.

A few weeks ago,  I received an answer to that question and prayer.  After my dad had had 2 different trips to the ER back to back for tests to check out that bumped head and dementia changes, when Tom and I were so concerned about him, had so many unanswered questions, and the changes were happening so fast and furious....

...I clearly realized the silver lining in all of this is love.  

But how can this be?  Where is love in this horrible disease?  Does God love my Dad?  Where is God in all of this anyway?  Why God why?  Why my dad?

Oh, I've been there so many times...  I've asked myself all of these questions along the past 3 year journey.  God has answered many of my questions and whispered many things in my heart to comfort me.   He has given me signs of hope, signs of comfort that YES, He DOES LOVE my Daddy with an everlasting LOVE!  No, He did not cause this disease to take place in my dad's life.  It hurts Him too, because He never intended for diseases such as Alzheimer's to be in the original world He created. The precious part of this is that the Lord already knows how Dad's story will end.  He knows the place which awaits Dad in heaven.  He is the one who prepared it for him long ago!  There is hope for the future beyond this present earth!  I am hanging onto that hope with every bit of strength I have.  When I look at Dad, I know he is heaven bound I don't have to fear that he is gone forever.  We will see each other again, just not here on this present earth as it is, but there will come a day when we will see each other and we will know one another as always.  I know Dad wants to be with Mom again.  He will be reunited with her too!  This is a great comfort to me, this hope of heaven that Jesus has promised us!  The further Dad walks on this journey of Alzheimer's, the closer he gets to heaven.  Sadly, he is just losing himself and all of his memories along the way.  This is where our grief comes in so intensely.

Let me give you a physical example of the silver lining of love in our lives....

Three weeks ago, when Dad was at his worst,  I asked him if he knew who I was.  He said with a smile, "No".  I told him I was his little girl and he had a bigger smile.  Then I told him my name and I was his daughter.  Then it clicked and the light went on.  He knew who I was after that.  He was laying there in his bed resting.  He could not sit up by himself.  He had a small temperature due to the respiratory virus he was fighting.  He was tired.  I wanted him to rest.  I got him some grape juice and he drank the entire contents of the glass.  He felt so much better after that.  I talked to him some.  He wondered what to do with his arm that didn't seem comfortable.  I grabbed his hand and kissed it and said it would be ok if he laid it back down on his chest.

He tried to talk to me and was smiling the entire time he was communicating, looking into my eyes.  I was trying to make sense of what he was saying, but could not.  I just had to smile back.  When I told him I loved him, he said, "Thank you."

I had to go pick up my older son from a friend's house a bit later and had to go.  I didn't want to leave him there awake in his room with no one to be there with him.  Mom is gone.  No one was there to give him the TLC he has been used to for so long.  He couldn't do anything for himself in that bed but blow his nose and fiddle with the kleenex in his hand.  (His hands are shaking with tremors so much now a days.)  I told Dad I had to leave to get the boys.  He understood what I was saying.  "Ok", he said.  I told him I'd be back later.  "All right", he agreed.  I waved goodbye to him and he actually waved back and smiled at me.  Then, I had to close the door.  Ouch.  That hurt to do that.  I wanted to stay with him and yet my life was once again calling me away.  The comfort and regret I felt in those moments stemmed from the fact that I know my dad loves me.

Where is the silver lining? I had to ask myself after his door closed, while I walked to the elevator, while I rode it down, then walking to my car...

So many tears that week.  So many tears.

In the car, on that day, the Lord told me, the silver lining was LOVE.

When all else is fleeting, the flesh is failing, and our loved one is slipping away from us before our very eyes,  love remains.  God's love remains and our love for each other remains.  

Three Sundays ago, when my brother Tom and I went to visit him, we walked into his room.  He was laying down in the bed resting.  He saw Tom first.  There was no "Hi Tom!"  He saw me next.  There was no salutation, "Hi Judith!"

Do you know how our Dad greeted us with a big smile on his face?

"I love you, son!  I love you, honey!"

Do you see the silver lining?
  
I see my dad's love, but I see something else too.  When my Dad tells me he loves me, it is like God is telling me as His child, that He loves me too in this difficult journey.  I didn't forget you, Judith!  I didn't forget you, Tom!  I didn't forget you most of all, Joe.  Oh to have a heavenly Father all my life who loves me!   Oh to have that heavenly example in an earthly father!  

My daddy still expresses his love for us each time we're together.

"I love you, little man", he told Philip on this day.  He remembered his nickname for Philip even if he didn't remember Philip's actual name.

This is such a gift!  There is no greater gift Dad could give us than his love.  Of all of the things that this disease could strip from my Dad, it has not stripped what goes deepest apparently, which is his love of his family.  We are God's family too.  God doesn't want us to forget he loves us as His family.

And I can STILL show my Dad LOVE.  I can still love him even when one day he may physically not be able to hug me, or tell me he loves me.   Selfishly I'm praying that day NEVER comes.  He is already forgetting our names and specifically who we are at times.

We KNOW he loves us and always has from day one.  I hang on to that.

The silver lining in my Daddy's Alzheimer's illness..... is LOVE.

Thank you Lord for that love.... keep us strong.  Even if I have to cry sometimes and my heart just plain hurts from grieving his condition.  Thank you, Lord, for LOVE.  Your love and Your love which flows through us.  Lord, please have mercy on my dad.

I'm still hanging on to the hope he will walk again on a regular basis.  Please continue to keep him and us in your prayers.  There are strong indications he will bounce back.  I AM NOT GIVING UP HOPE YET!

I'm trying to look beyond the wheelchair, the lift and the hospital bed, yet all of those things are to make him as comfortable as possible.  We will do whatever he needs.

The silver lining keeps me going.  I hang onto the silver lining of God's love with all of my might.  I hang on to my dad's precious "I love yous" too because they are such a comfort.  My brother's arm may be black and blue from me holding on to it through the journey, but what a blessing to not have to walk this alone!