Together in Heart yet Apart

Today's visit

Many days I so wish my parents were together all the time.  

Seeing them living separately in two different buildings because each one is in need of different kind of medical care  and visiting them separately just doesn't seem natural to me at all.  It never really has.  This family has always been about togetherness.

Today's visit

This is what broke my heart the most two years ago when they had to move to the retirement community for my mother.  Moving them, meant separation.  My brother and I knew this. Dad left their home of 10 years to be with Mom to keep the separation to a minimum.  He wouldn't have to drive to see her.  He could be right there on the same campus and visit her every single day for as long as he wanted.  Tom and I knew Dad really needed extra assistance too.  The main thoughts were if Mom needed her health restored, we had to do this for her.  

I knew the night before her back surgery when Philip and I went over to the condo to make sure she got her last insulin shot before bed and tucked her in and gave her hugs goodnight,  that this might be her very last night in her home.  It turned out it was.  Oh how I cried driving home. Those tears were the beginning of my very own ocean of tears I cried for them for a period of about a year.  Even though painful, we made a good decision.  The right decision.  And we made it out of  our profound love for Mom.  I believe to this day making that decision 2 years ago was the absolute hardest decision I've ever made in my entire life. What was so hard is that they both thought they would go back home one day "together".  

Here we are almost two years later.  Home has taken on a new meaning for them.  Home is where they live, but home is the people surrounding them as much as the location.  My mother has had two wonderful years that she might not have had otherwise.  Her cancer went back into remission and her diabetes stabilized by leaps and bounds.  No more forgotten insulin injections or being off schedule in giving shots or taking blood sugar readings.  No more trying to do things all by himself for my dad and trying to care for his bride and feeling all alone.  All of that belongs to yesterday.  God finally said, "Joe that's enough.  It's time to let someone else take a turn for you.  I'm going to let you rest."

My mother has always told me quality of life far outweighs quantity.  I'm not forgetting those conversations we've had in the past.   The Lord really did lead Dad and I in every step of the way in every decision and every absolute detail about moving to the retirement community.  We were both clueless how this huge situation would come together for Mom's sake.  God really did give Mom and Dad his best.  Being in a living environment where she is on a schedule for eating and insulin injections and a team of talented people that know nursing have saved her life.  

She has been more vibrant in ways the past year and a half than I have seen her in the past four years, I'd say.  She has been able to have Dad in her life and us even if it was not like it used to be.  It's not a perfect situation but it was the best we have to give.  She is happy where she lives and has adapted well.  We see her all the time.  My daddy had a very hard time at first.  He too has adapted well.  What we didn't know at first is how much Dad would need to be here too.  We had no idea he would be where he is with his Alzheimers today.  None of us imagined it in a million years.

We have built relationships with the staff over the past 2 years.  They know us.  They know them well.  They see the love of our family every week.  We communicate with them all the time and we ask questions.  They are compassionate, professional and work with us on all issues that come up.  I'm still learning a lot about things, but my brother and I really have no complaints about their care nor regret at all the decisions we have made for them.  It's a wonderful feeling to walk into either of their buildings and the staff (especially in Mom's building) say, "Hey Judith! How are you?  Hey Joseph!  Hey Philip! What are you doing today?"  One of the nurses aides, my friend Madeline from the Congo even greets me in French whenever I see her.  Angela, who works the phones at the front desk asked me how Dad was doing the other day.  She said, "I haven't seen him in awhile, is he ok?"  I then had to explain the back problem he had and that he hadn't been able to come over to visit Mom lately.  She looked sad about that.  She said, "I miss your dad.  He was one of the very first people I met on my first day of work here.  He was so friendly and talked to me for awhile. Your dad is special.  I hope he is able to come back and start seeing your Mom again."  Wow.... I didn't know Dad had been that special person to her on her first day.  This is what I mean though.  This tells me again we made the right choice for their care.

 My parents are still meant to be together though. I know this in my heart.  There is a hole there that isn't being filled.  I can't fill it.  Tom can't fill it.  My sons can't fill it.  Only they can fill it for each other.  Being married for almost fifty-nine years and still so in love with your spouse is such a gift.  It really bothers me more and more as time goes by that they are not able to be there in moments where they could be a comfort to each other.  Time is short when it comes to them, and I'm seeing they need each other more than ever.  My heart says they should spend their last days and years together.  Not apart.  This love story is not meant to be lived apart, but..... together forever.

So please pray for us.  I'm praying about this and I'm really asking God to lead us in this situation of separation and help me and my brother do what is best for them.  Tom and  I have put Dad on the waiting list for Mom's building this week.  If a room comes available for him where he could be close by or a room that the two of them could share, we'll know about it this way.  The social worker will call me.  I don't know it would be a change that would happen right away, it might be months away, but I really just feel this nudging from God in leading them back together. I'm praying for God's timing.  I just want to be ready whenever that time is and have things in place for them.  It has to be the right time for Dad first and foremost.  Just thinking about them eating every meal together again..... or being there for each other.  It is a really wonderful thought.

Thanks so much,
Judith