Mikey.... I Love You Precious

There is just too much sadness and loss this year.

We have just experienced another family loss.  This time a beloved cat, Mikey.

He died just yesterday of kidney failure.  He was 12 years old.

It's so hard to lose an animal you love.  Mikey was not my cat.  He belonged to my husband's step dad and his mom.  We saw him all the time though and he was part of the family.

This situation reminds me so much of when we lost our Sammie in 2006 to the same type of disease of kidney failure.   She was our baby before kids.  We had her for over 15 years.  She was 16 and a half when she died.  OH, did I cry buckets at that time.....  She was an incredible friend.

A pet becomes such a special part of your life.  You love the funny crazy things they do.  You love their personalities and antics.  You cannot replace the love they show you.  Cats just know when you are hurting.  I had Mr. Piccolo our current lovable one of 6 years sit in my lap I don't know how many times yesterday when I was sad thinking of Mikey.  He just knew I was sad and wanted to comfort me.  Sammie used to do the same thing.  Sammie would even lick my tears away.

Mikey was not just a pet cat.  He was SO much more than that......
Let me explain why Mikey was so special.

Mikey was a gift from above sent in God's perfect timing to Joe, Mike's step dad after Joe's son passed away at age 27.  Such brokenness and devastation when losing a child.....  Joe was completely heartbroken to lose his son.  It was an immense time of sadness for him.

One day this cat (Mikey) just appeared at Grace and Joe's house.  The cat just showed up and took to Joe.  Joe didn't especially like cats up to this point.  This cat was different.  He was friendly and started to follow Joe everywhere.  He and Grace started feeding him and he stayed.  (There were other details about him that we'd learn later which told more of his story where he came from which were very interesting.  Regardless of where he came from, what mattered was that he appeared just at the perfect time, during a difficult time.)

Joe had never had a cat take to him or love him unconditionally like that before.  It touched him.  So much so that he named the cat "Mikey" after his son, Michael.  Mikey brought comfort and put some joy back into Joe's days at that time in his life.  Mikey was a little gift from God that turned out to be one HUGE gift for seven years.  Mikey was about 5 years old when he started visiting Grace and Joe on a regular basis.

God sends us little furry packages to comfort us in addition to people.  Sometimes pets can comfort in ways that people cannot.  Animals tend to just love us, no strings attached.  They don't talk back nor do they offer opinions or words that hurt your feelings.  They are great at just "being there" for you when you are grieving or mourning a loss.  They take your mind off of your sadness and when you are sad they are there to love you.

Mikey brought us so much joy, but I know he brought Joe the most joy of all.

Joe and Grace

Grace loved Mikey so much too.  We all did.  We shared stories of Mikey on Wednesday night.  The boys and I went over to see Mikey and say "goodbye".  He was pitiful.  So much like my Sammie was in 2006 when she was so sick.   He had not been eating or drinking, could barely open his eyes and was walking with lots of trouble.  It was so sad.  They boys got to talk to him, pet him and love on him.
"I love you precious....." I told him.  And I do.  I always will.  Mikey was just special.

I've loved three cats like family in my life.
Sammie

Our current cat Piccolo

And Mikey......

Joseph our oldest son and Mikey receiving his Thanksgiving Day hug.

I know Grace and Joe are going to miss having Mikey in their lives everyday.
Oh the stories we have of him which make us laugh..... we will always have those.
My favorite is the day we saw him hunting and he leaped way up in the air to pounce and completely disappeared in the monkey grass in the backyard.  That was some TALL monkey grass!  We still don't know what he was hunting but Grace and I laughed and laughed and we laughed about it again this week.

He was a hunter.
He was all about the GREAT adventures of the BIG outdoors
He loved basking in the sun and sleeping in the leaf compost pile.
He was a super friendly and would come when you called him.
He was a great friend and companion.
He loved his family the most.
He was the KING of the house.
He loved his own kitty house Joe custom made for him outside, complete with light, heating pad and soft blanket to sleep on.  Yes, he used it all the time in the winter months.
Given the opportunity to sit in a lap, he always took it.
He loved to nap with Grace and loved her multitude of soft blankets.
He loved our attention.
He loved eating tuna and ice cream bars with Joe.
He was the best!

Oh Mikey.... I love you precious.  You're on God's big coverlet on His bed with Sammie, Princess, Pepper and Asia.  Try not to hog the covers too much, do you hear?  I know you like the covers soft and deep.  Thanks for being my friend.  I'm going to miss you, you know.

What I Want For Christmas

A friend of mine the other night kind of jokingly asked me and some other friends what our Christmas wish was.  Many kind of laughed but inside I was thinking, "That is a loaded question for me.  All I want for Christmas is just another Christmas with my Mom, a healthy Mom that is."  I didn't say anything out loud, I didn't want to hurt his feelings.  It was not a question intended to make anyone feel badly.   

That is such a loaded question for so many people this Christmas and I cannot help but think of these people.  Some are dear friends, some are people I don't even know.  What I do know is that all of us have lost someone so special to us that it is next to impossible for some of us to think about the future without this person in our lives.

Last night I bawled before I went to bed.  The thought of the grieving Connecticut families was about more than I could bear.  Why Lord, oh why?  This makes no sense to me nor anyone else.  Why on earth....? So many questions.  So much a mystery.  

I know you are crying Lord.  I know you are.  You cried when Lazarus died.  He was your great friend.  I know how much children mean to you.  I know you have to be completely weeping over this, Lord.  I just know it.  I feel it.  Your heart is broken tonight by someone's insanely, evil choice.  I know you can't go against your character or how you created us.  You gave us free will, with that is our choice to do evil and not choose you.... I know you weep at the horrid decisions we make.  I also know you are just.  Oh Lord, please help all of these families whose hearts have been absolutely crushed by yesterday's tragedy.

Then I found myself talking to my Mom.... and the tears started to flow harder.  "Did you see them Mom?  Did you see the little ones come into heaven yesterday morning?"  Somehow I think she must have.

Death changes everything for a family.  The death of my mother forever changed mine.  I have never in my life been more attuned to heaven than I am now.   I have been given a new perspective on life here because she is there.  

Her death has caused me to be more in tune with those that are
hurting.  It's almost like a radar now.... someone loses a loved one
and I hurt too.  It has given me a better understanding of those who are mourning and hurting.  I am thankful for that, because before I
could only pretend to understand what others are going through.  

What do I want for Christmas?
I want Christians to love more like Christ did when he was on this earth.
I want us to be less apathetic and a more empathetic and compassionate people.
I want people to start caring more about people in society and their communities and thinking less about what they are "entitled to" by the society they live in.
I want people to start loving their families like it is the last day they will ever see them again.  
I want people to say what they mean and mean what they say and then act on what they say they will do.
I want our society to start valuing life like Christ does.  It is a gift.
I want people to understand that God is the creator of family and he values our families.
And I want others who are hurting to know that no matter what they are going through, that God loves them and has not abandoned them.  He cries with them and feels their pain.  He is there to walk through the valley of the shadow of death with them.

Those are just a few things I want for Christmas....

And the last thing I would wish for America this Christmas in light of what happened yesterday..... 
....that we not lose HOPE in all of the chaos of evil around us at times.  This is my prayer.  Love is still here.  Hope is not gone.  The Holy Spirit is with us!  It's up to us to be the hands and feet of Christ though moving forward. Situations do not solve themselves, they always call for action.  It's up to us to not sit on the sidelines but to live out our faith however God calls us.

....for the sake of the broken hearted
....for the sake of the weak
....for the sake of sick
....for the sake of those who need our protection
....for the sake of those who cannot help themselves
mostly importantly for Christ's sake because this is what he calls us to do..... to love him with all of our hearts and to love our neighbors as ourselves.

"I Need Thee Every Hour"

No matter the circumstances Lord.

No matter how hard it gets...

No matter what trials may come...

No matter what I may not understand....

I will trust you.

I need Thee every hour.

I do.  

Not every month, or week, but every hour even....

Let me find joy where you are.

Let me weep as you do when I need to.

Let me most importantly continue to love as You have.

Let me abide with you,  

Only then will I know everything will be alright. 

~Judith Poston Crovi

Bittersweet

It's almost Thanksgiving.  It is our year of "firsts" since Mom has passed away.   

I'm at the bittersweet parts of life lately, where it hurts in different parts of my heart due to grief,  yet wonderful memories make me smile all in the same heartbeat.  I'm so grateful for what I've had in a loving mother and the legacy both of my parents have left me.  Over the past 2 and a half years I've been grieving their loss of independence and health declines, but mainly it's been my Dad whom I have grieved.  Alzheimer's has been one rough, sad, unpredictable and winding road.  My focus recently changed with the loss of Mom.  So  mostly I've been grieving and mourning her.   Today I did think of Mom.  I've been thinking of her a lot this past week.  However,  that all too familiar grief of watching the dad I've always known slip away before us, is with me again.  I don't think it ever really left me.  Alzheimer's is not going away.  It is here to stay.  It is my daddy's story.  The disease is only headed one direction.....the direction of taking completely over my daddy's life with loss of his ability to function in every way you can imagine.  It's gradual.  It's unpredictable.  It's heart wrenching.  Yet I love this man so much.  I LOVE being with my dad.  His joy brings me joy.  It's joy and sadness all mixed into one.  Hard to describe except to say, "bittersweet".

Here we are the day before my birthday last year.  

Family Thanksgiving Celebration in Dad's building.  We brought Mom over from skilled nursing and had a wonderful time!

This is us this year during today's celebration.....

This bittersweetness  is two fold this year.....(the tears for me and the joy that remains).... We. miss. Mom. so. much.  We are also one more year deeper into Alzheimer's Disease for Dad and it is beginning to show more and more.
  
He's been stable for a good while.  There has always been confusion, anxiety and paranoia at times.  Confusion about "What do I do now?" or "Where am I supposed to be now?"  Not remembering if he ate a meal or thinking he never gets to eat.  There is lots of reassurance going on these days at this stage of dementia.  He is surrounded by loving, caring staff.  We're getting to know them better and better now, since Dad has been in Memory Care for over a year now.   

I know he is safe.
I know he is in a good place.
Sometimes I still wish he could live with us, so he'd be around family all the time and know we haven't "disappeared" somewhere.  I want to give him a hug 10 times a day, or just put my hand on his shoulder and say, "It's ok Daddy.  We're here.  What can I do for you right now?"  
But I know that is not possible....that hurts that I can't be everything he needs.  We do all we can, when we can.
He is in the best place possible though for what he medically requires.

Today was so bittersweet for me when I see Dad having an especially "not so good" day with his illness.  Two weeks ago we had what I am seeing now was one of his "great" days.  He was laughing and joking with Tom.  

He knew exactly who we were.  We had fun just talking with him as he could joke a bit too.  

He was still confused, and his language was lacking, but he was communicating pretty well.  He was stuck on one thought which turned out to be a bit comical.  He thought that his walker needed gasoline.  He was so concerned about getting some "gas" for it that he would not let it go!  Tom was awesome about telling him that his walker didn't need gasoline to run, that he (Dad) pushed it.  It was run on muscle power, namely "his" and he'd never ever need gas for it.  This was done in a loving way.  There was no argument or "I'm right and you're wrong" scenario.  It was gentle, joyful reassurance.  

It's hard to imagine what is going through Dad's mind these days.  What was making him think so much about putting gas in his car/walker?  Was it watching the news with the headlines of hurricane Sandy and people lining up at the gas pump in NJ?  Was it a memory of getting gas for his prior vehicles?  He never let his tank get below half!  Is he remembering his car he used to drive and wondering where it is all of a sudden?

I don't know.
I have no idea.

I just know he was able to joke about simple things and was loving his coffee that Tom got for him.  He talked about how good it was. How he liked it "sweet".  We kept asking if it was sweet enough.  He said, "Almost."  That was his way of joking.  How I love to hear him joke!

The "happy mood" is who Dad is.  He has always been the "happy go lucky" smiling, fun person.  

The "big kid".... 

The person who is the first to set you at ease with a funny yet gracious comment.  The person who makes you feel good about yourself and tells you "you can do it!"  The person who never gives up!  So much about my dad is overshadowed with this disease.  I get glimpses now and am reminded today that who Dad is, is fleeting before me.  Most of the time the staff says he's in a good mood and doing fine.  I wish I knew which was more the norm the "really good days" or the "not so good ones".  I have a feeling it is somewhere in between. 

Just a couple of months ago, I ran into Nancy, a member of Dad's high school class at Central High (1950).  She asked about Dad and said, "We always enjoyed being with your mom and dad at the class luncheons in years past.  Please tell Joe hello from me."  I told her I would.  Then she added, "In high school your dad was such a fun person!"  I bet he was!  I would have LOVED to have had a glimpse of Daddy at age 18.  

Dad and Mom used to go to the lunches every single month.  They hardly missed a one because it was so enjoyable and Dad loved being around people.  It was always his element.  Now a days, his dementia makes him dislike crowds, noise and lots of people more than anything.  They actually prepared a table for us upstairs in Dad's regular dining room for the Thanksgiving feast today.  It was very quiet and intimate compared to the loud and busy feast going on downstairs for families and residents.  They really do make accommodations for residents.  I was thankful Dad had a quiet lunch with us.

It was still a "not so good day" for Dad with his illness.  When we walked in, Dad was sitting at the dining table all by himself.  It was set for 6 and he was waiting for us to arrive.  He had a big frown on his face.  When he sees us, he usually lights up so quickly with that beautiful smile of his.  He did not today.  Something was troubling him.  It was hard for him to express himself so as to describe what he was feeling.  His language was not good today.  It was 50% incomprehensible, 50% understood.  Not the norm that I have seen for months.  He does have trouble getting out words.  He will substitute words or makes up his own words, when he can't find the one he wants.  Usually we can understand what he is trying to say.  Today was much harder to do that.  

It didn't happen just once either.  It was most of the time we were there.
He did start smiling when the food came out.   He also was excited to see Mike!!  He lit up when he saw my husband. "Mike!"  Mike does not get to see Dad very often.  He was saying his name today and he just looked at him and grinned across the table. It was like, "Mike, is here.  He's someone special."  He's always thought the world of Mike.  I'm just thankful for that connection today!

Dad didn't say my name today nor Tom's that I heard.  He knew the boys were his family.  

We told him who we were today.  His smiles stayed until we left.  Yet there was more of that "blank stare" on his face than normal.  Very much like a fog.  I don't like that blank stare because I know this is where we are headed.  He was tracking us with his eyes though and following our voices and turning towards our voices when we talked to him.  I am wondering about his peripheral vision now. 

Whenever we leave to go home, confusion sets in.  He wants to go with us. Where ever we are he wants to be.  He doubts where he lives now (though he's been there for over a year).  He thinks he doesn't have a home at times or thinks "home" is where we are.  More gentle reassurance and lots of times a loving staff member has to help us when this happens.  

I never tell him "Good bye".  I always tell him, "I'll see you soon. I'll see you later.  I'll be back...."  

This is the bittersweet part because I want him to come with us!!
I just know he can't.

He didn't joke a lot today.  He wasn't getting Mike's jokes.  He was  under this cloud of confusion.  Two weeks ago was different and that morning with Tom and I might be what "good" days look like now.  

Alzheimer's is just so unpredictable day to day.  It ebbs and flows as the disease progresses.  It's always been that way, but when you get to the stage that he is, the ebbing and flowing seems more pronounced.   I have been mourning Mom.  Now today I miss my Dad so much.  I don't like seeing him like this.  I'm so happy he's still in my life, but what he's going through is tough.  So tough at times.  I saw a son with his mother today also.  He was going through something similar with his Mom.  He was having a hard time trying to understand what she wanted to do.  Did she want to sit down?  Did she want to go for a walk?  He was there with her and was so gentle and loving.  Just like us today.  So many stories of families going through the same thing right there in his building.  Everyone with different struggles living the best they can with their illness.  I hear the love in family member's voices as they engage their loved one in conversation or kiss them goodbye. I see the ones with no family there too.  It really does break my heart.

Time will tell how Dad progresses with this disease.  

I do know Mom would have made things better today for him.  Everything was always brighter when they were together.  No one reassured him with just their presence more than she did.  No one.  I will share this funny and awesome picture of he and Mom last year at the Thanksgiving feast.  Dad was always "looking" at Mom when she didn't know it.  She would be oblivious to his gaze as we would snap the photo.  This is a perfect example....  Thanks Tom, this photo will always make me smile!

Oh I love that photo!  Priceless!

I miss them being together so very much.  It's like there is no "Joe" without "Ethel".  No "Ethel" without "Joe".  They just go together in the same sentence.  They were always together.  

Dad is still with us.  He is still "Joe".  He just doesn't have the blessing of his bride in his weekly life reassuring him during this time of Alzheimer's.  I don't know what it is like to lose a spouse.  I can't imagine what that would be like, though I have heard stories of grief of people who have lost their spouses.  What I wonder even more, is what is it like for the person with dementia, who has lost their spouse?  We don't know what they are thinking or feeling most of the time.  What is grief truly like for them on the inside?

Dad without Mom now.... the new normal.  I don't know when I'll ever get used to that.  Honestly, I don't.   He may not mention her name even after 4 months or remember when she died, but I do think he is still affected by her absence.  How could he not be?  You show him a picture, he knows exactly who she is.

His beloved bride.....  She used to tell him, "I'll love you forever....and ever."  And she does and she will.... they'll be together again one day.  The next time though they'll see each other as God always intended for them to be.  Fully healed.  No cancer.  No diabetes.  No insulin shots.  No dementia.  

We'll continue walking beside him.  We'll take the good days and the bad days.  We'll take them all!  No matter how many bittersweet days come our way.  I know with all my heart, that God's love is bigger than this disease.  Love propels us on.  

I wish more than anything that this were not Dad's story, but it is.  

Thursday, Lord willing, we hope to bring Dad over to our house for Thanksgiving Day lunch.  He and Mom were actually here last Thanksgiving.  Tom cooked a yummy feast for us!  I'm praying it will be a "good" day.  He loves going places with us.  I know he'd love to be here.  I also don't know if it will be the last Thanksgiving he can come to our house due to his illness.  No one can predict what life will be like one year from now.  A lot can happen with Alzheimer's in one year.  A lot can happen in a year when you are 80 years old without Alzheimer's!  I can't even look that far ahead.  I can only look at the day before me most of the time.  It has to be a "good" day though for him to make the trip across town.  If it is too much for him to come, then we'll go there.  Either way, we'll be together!

The Gratitude Box

Thanksgiving is fast approaching.... so many things for which to be thankful!  Today I decided to get out our gratitude box from last year and start working on updating it for this year.   

The idea came from the children's ministry at our church last year and I liked it so much that we decided to make one out of shoebox last year.  
Today seems like the perfect time, the day after the presidential election and elections all over the country (with all of the concerns on both sides of the political aisle), for focusing on thankfulness.  It might be just what we need to remember most.  Thankfulness in light of what is truly important in our lives.  

So we got started.... I got out the construction paper and we started drawing leaves to cut out.  On the back of those leaves we'll write things for which we are thankful and drop them in the box each week.  It doesn't have to be a specific day or a specific number of leaves.  Just whenever any of us feel thankful the marker and paper leaves are there to drop in the box.  Every few days we'll read those leaves and think about and talk about what each of us is thankful for.  

I have one son who loves to draw.  An older son who doesn't especially like to.  One was fine, the other became frustrated with the task of leaf drawing and he got grumpy!  
So we decided to "trace" leaves we had left over from last year and that seemed to work.  I grabbed my laptop too and decided a little bit of Mozart was in order.... Mozart is always good for grumpiness.   

We kept cutting, drawing, tracing and listening and talking about things we were thankful for.   I started reading some of the leaves from last year.  Very sweet.  We lost electricity last year around this time and there was more than one leaf with "Thankful to have electricity so we can run appliances" or "Thankful for the Duke Energy People".  I thought of all of the people in New Jersey and New York without power and water from Hurricane Sandy.  We have power right now.  We have water.  We take that for granted.  We have so much to be thankful for..... We must keep the people in need in our prayers and be generous with our gifts what ever they may be!

At one point Philip, our 8 year old impulsively left the table and went outside.  He came back with some fallen Maple leaves from our next door neighbor's Maple tree.  He decided he wanted to trace a real leaf instead of a paper one.

He did a good job!

My other son was starting to come around too.  He rewrote the Bible verse on the inside of the box and he and I started putting some of last year's leaves in the box.  He read them as he put them in and tried to guess who wrote each sentiment.

A minute or so later I switched to another Mozart concerto for us to listen to.  Philip started asking questions like, "Did Grandmom like this song?"  I told him, "Well, I don't know if she knew it, but I know if she heard it, she would like it."  So many things going on in an 8 year old mind when it comes to grieving a grandparent.  It was sweet to hear him process and talk about Mom.

Philip must have also seen us putting the leaves in the box because then next thing I saw was a leaf on which he had written a little message for the box.  It was not a paper leaf.  It was one of the actual Maple leaves he'd brought to the table.

The first one was for his daddy.  So sweet.  Then he had to make one for all of us! 

I gave him a big hug.  I feel loved!  
And his big brother by this time said, "I'm not grumpy anymore Mommy."  To think of that.... thankfulness and feeling appreciated cured the grumpy morning my middle schooler was having.  Awesome is what I say!  I was right.  Thank you Lord for prompting me to get out the gratitude box today.  It is what we needed to focus on today and in the days to come.
Can't end here without showing the last two leaves Philip shared.

Grandparents make such an impact on their grandchildren..... 
So completely grateful!  

I will continue to remember Lamentations 3:21-23 in the days and months ahead.  

"Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love

we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail,

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness."

Yes, every day is new!  God's mercies and compassions are new every single day for all of us!  I am holding on to those precious words.

My oldest son, Joseph wrote on a paper leaf as we wrapped up our little project.  It said, "I love my family and friends"  I gave him a hug.  He reiterated, "Mommy, I'm not grumpy anymore." with a huge smile. 

Thankful, yes, so very thankful!

When Love is Bigger than Your Own Heart

Sometimes love is just too big to keep to yourself.  

In your own heart you feel like you don't have any more to give at times when you are grieving the loss of your mother, but you find out this is not true.  Love for some reason propels you forward to a place you didn't feel like you could go, all because the joy of someone else just seems to become bigger than your own emotional pain.

Flowers kind of help in that department too.  When I look at the Zinnias in my yard, I think of who would like them and who doesn't receive many flowers, can't grow flowers anymore, and needs a bit of sunshine in their lives.  They are so pretty right now. I think of Dad.  I think of some other folks too but the folks I think of don't live in Dad's building.  They live in skilled nursing where Mom used to live.

For over 3 months I had not been able to go inside the actual skilled nursing building  where my Mom lived.  I wanted desperately to hug one nurse's neck, who was extremely fond of my mother.  Dreeta....  She was Mom's nurse on the weekends, every Saturday and Sunday she was with Mom from 7am until 7pm for 2.5 years.  All of those finger pricks to check Mom's blood sugar.... all of the insulin shots.....and making sure Mom ate in order to counteract the insulin.  And then catching all of the low blood sugars.....

Dreeta was actually not working the weekend Mom passed away.  She missed the entire fast decline the last week of June.  When she came back to work the following weekend on July 7th, Moma was gone.  I do not know how some of these people who work in skilled nursing can deal with the grief of losing residents.  It has to be incredibly hard after you build relationships with these people for years.  Mom built many relationships with people.  People loved her and she knew she was well taken care of.  Dreeta had a way with Mom for which I was forever grateful.

About 3 weeks ago Tom and I were visiting Dad.  After our visit, we were standing in the parking lot and he said, "Do you want to go see Dreeta?"  Do I want to go see Dreeta?  Wow, what a question!   Of course I did, but could I walk back in that door?  I'd tried a couple of times.  I'd walked up to the window of one door entrance, saw Mom's room, saw Dreeta at the end of the hall and walked away crying.  I just couldn't walk in there and not cry.  I wasn't sure I could do it this time either, but with Tom with me perhaps I could.  The building and being in the building does not bother Tom.  So he was the perfect person to go with me.  The building does bother me.  Maybe one day it won't.  I'm very visual. I tend to soak everything in personally I guess, but more than the building it's the people inside that affect me.

So I was brave and we went.  My favorite thing of all (besides the hug), was Dreeta's complete surprise and greeting with a smile a mile wide,  "The Postons! The Postons!"  It feels so good when someone is that excited to see you.   I told her the story of how I'd tried to come see her, but was too overwhelmed in grief.  She said she took Mom's passing very hard.   I hugged her neck so tight and told her thank you for everything she did.  I had to.  I had to let her know what a difference she made in Mom's life, in our lives.  I was fighting the tears and she was too.  

Then she told me the story of Mrs. Cooper.  Mrs. Cooper was one of three ladies at Mom and Mrs. Willie's table in the dining room.  Mom and Mrs. Willie died within 2 days of each other.  Mrs. Cooper lost two friends in two days.  Everyone at her table.  How she must have felt.... oh my.  She could not go back in the dining room for weeks Dreeta said.  Eventually they got her to come back down to the dining room for meals, but it took a long time.  My heart just sank.  I felt so bad for Mrs. Cooper.  This loss is so big and wide. 

Then I saw her.... 

She was in her wheel chair coming out of her and Mom's room....

There was Mrs. Leonard my Moma's roommate,  a 95 year old joy filled breath of fresh air.  She was wheeling herself towards us.  I left Dreeta and quickly came over to her and grabbed her hand and gave her a hug.  Oh to see this lady!  It made my day to see her smiling face!  She knew exactly who I was and told me all about how special Ethel was to her....  She told me to come back and see her.  I said I would with the boys when they were ready.

Philip and Mrs. Leonard  exactly 4 months from Mom's passing.

Going back.... is it really necessary?  Is it?  No, probably not, but this powerful thing called love just propels me back and makes me walk to a place that hurts in ways, yet is stronger than my own grief.  How does God do that in me?  How?  I don't want to go into my mother's former residence, yet Mrs. Leonard is there.  Mr. Byrd is there.... I can't seem to get some of these folks out of my head and heart.   This day, God gave me the strength.  I may not always be able to go back.  Grief is a funny, fickle thing.  I'm sure it will depend on many things.  One thing I know, the grief will remain.  Mom is firmly woven into my heart.  She is with me, so her loss is with me, the feeling of that loss will just change in time.  When God gives me His strength to get past my sadness when He wants me to go, I know I can go back now.   

We brought some Zinnias to Mrs. Leonard just yesterday.  Philip and I went over after visiting Granddad.  We had brought him some flowers too.  Here I was again in the parking lot, sitting in the car, asking myself could I do this?  I must have asked Philip 5 times if he was sure he wanted to go inside and give Mrs. Leonard the flowers and a handmade card.  He said he was fine and I promised we would not stay long.  I still wasn't 100% sure if he meant it.  This would be his first time going back.  Of course familiar faces greet us at the door and ask us how we are.  Dreeta was there again, "What beautiful flowers!"  I told her they were for Mrs. Leonard.  

We made Mrs. Leonard's day.   When I told Mrs. Leonard who I was,  "I'm Ethel's daughter...." she replied.  "Yes, you are.  Ethel was a special friend.  I so enjoyed her friendship."  She made my day, but what made my day most of all was her reaction to Philip and the flowers and card.  She did not remember him, though she had seen him many times.  Those pictures of him are no longer in her room since Mom died.  She used to see the boys pictures every single day and of course Mom talked about them all the time.

She loved the flowers.  I asked her what her favorite color was.  "All of them!" she said.  She loved the card and kept commenting about how clever and artistic PJ was.  She must have given Philip 4 hugs by the time we left.  Her joy surpassed my grief in those moments though I was standing in the hallway near Mom's room.  She asked me to put the flowers on her desk.  So I did.  That meant walking back into Mom's room and I was ok.  I tried not to look too much or think too much about where I was.  I just put the flowers on her desk and left.   

I know when Philip hugged Mrs. Leonard, that he was thinking about Grandmama.  I could sense that.  I was thinking about Mom too.  She knows we miss Mom.  She is someone special who we have enjoyed spending time with.  She truly appreciates our time, love and visits.  She always has.  I don't want Philip to feel sad, but we are all walking through this process and we're doing it arm in arm.  All of us grieve on different days in different ways.  No one will ever replace Grandmama.

On the way out I held Philip's hand.  Walking out without seeing Grandmama was hard.  I kind of wanted to cry.  However on the way out I saw Mr. Byrd.  

Seeing Mr. Byrd in April of this year when he was doing better.

He's on oxygen now.  That makes me a bit concerned.  Things change so fast in 4 months, I tell you.  I want to bring him some flowers too.  So many of these people are lonely, and just sit with not much to do.  No one is visiting them.  

But do I go back?  Do I make my sons go back?  Not if they don't want to.  I'm very sensitive to that.  It's tough.  It really is.  People keep telling me to be kind to myself.  Is going back at times being kind to myself if it makes me a little sad?  My mother never went back to the nursing homes where our loved ones lived after they died.  I'm sure she had her reasons, but when we were there I don't remember visiting with staff ever or other people, just our loved ones.  Our story is different.  Mom's nursing home is different and very small.  It's easy to get to know people and build relationships and we did.  

If I don't go back I am keeping my love to myself and love is meant to be given away, not kept inside.  Maybe it's Mom's love in me too....that propels me forward.  She certainly could never keep her love to herself.  Christ's love transferred from person to person.  It truly is a beautiful thing.  Isn't that what He wants us to do? 

Our plethora of Zinnias will be gone soon.  The frost of early November will get them all.  They need to be delivered to someone or someones soon....  and I have an idea.  Yes flowers don't last forever, but love is remembered and isn't that in the end what matters?  

For the Love of a Wooly Bear Caterpillar

It started in Valle Crucis this year.  Mike and I were on a little retreat to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary last weekend.  We were out back of the Mast General Store in Valle Crucis, NC and saw a couple of children looking around in the tall grass near an old barn.  They were trying to find Wooly Bear Caterpillars.  

We found a couple as well and knew that this would be the best present our 8 year old Philip could ever want from the NC mountains.... well except maybe a baby Mallard Duck.  Ha!
So we brought two home, one for Joseph and one for Philip. We don't see many of these around our yard, so we knew it would be fun for a day or so to watch them and then set them free.

What Philip did decide to do is draw them.  

All of us have a Nature Study Notebook.  
We draw things we admire in nature and it's fun to go back and look at the boys' drawings when they were 6 years old or 8 years old and see how their drawings have changed and improved as they have grown.

One thing for certain as I look back on their drawings is this.... they always love to draw insects.  And Philip has drawn the Wooly Bear many times.  Something about the Wooly Bear is just special.

We looked up what they like to eat.  Dandelions was a favorite.  We were able to pick a few in the backyard and I must say, the Wooly Bear got VERY excited when he discovered the flower as you shall see.....

What I love about these photos is how simple life can be.  How truly special it is to just appreciate nature and the small things in life.  My sons help me to do that all the time.  Nothing seems to get unnoticed with these two.  I guess I just crave simplicity right now. I always have but even more so these days.  

God really does teach me a lot through our sons.  I'm forever grateful.

When drawing a caterpillar make sure your specimen is close by or by Philip's preference, ON your paper.  They have a tendency to want to escape or hide which of course can be quite comical and distracting.  Having something close by they love also helps keep them busy, but seeing as caterpillar attention spans are quite short they will still wander off.  (Smile)

It's fun to stop in the middle of your drawing and observe.
"Will he move up the Dandelion stem??  Hmmmm...."

Don't forget to draw the things your Wooly Bear likes to eat.  

Enjoy your Wooly Bear's excitement of his Dandelion.
Make sure you take lots of photos of his activity.  You never know what the Wooly Bear may do.

Mr. Wooly Bear was craning straight up looking so happy.  Philip told me, "He's praising God! Look at him!  He's grateful for his Dandelion."  I thought that was the cutest thing I'd ever heard in my life.  A caterpillar praising the Lord..... well of course he was!
(Big smile)

It's ok to bring another Wooly Bear on your notebook to keep the other one company.  Just make sure he has his own Dandelion to keep him happy also.

This is what happens when you give your Wooly Bear two Dandelions.  He will get excited and explore the new one.

How long will my little boy appreciate Wooly Bears?  How long will he want to draw them in his notebook?  We'll have the memories for a long time and the photos too.  I like to capture these moments because life is a gift and oh so short and I don't want them to forget our simple home schooling days while they were young.  
We set them free that afternoon and watched one sit on a tree root for a long time.  The other one ambitiously took off across the grass to the Pear tree.  Happy to be back in nature, but I wonder if he misses those tall grasses of Valle Crucis? 

20 Years Today

Today is Michael's and my wedding anniversary.  Twenty years.....wow!  How the time has flown by with my best friend.
I wrote about that day last year on this blog.  It tells the story of my wedding dress, how Mom made it for herself in 1953 for her wedding day with Dad and just everything about Michael's and my special day in 1992.  It's a great story.  

Read the special blog post here:  Wedding Day

We've been having true fall like weather the past few days.  I have also had a terrible cold for the past 8 days, but this morning after sleeping in a bit I woke up to sunshine and I felt better than I have in a week!  What a blessing!  We are headed to the NC mountains to celebrate our anniversary soon to see the autumn color.  It's something we've wanted to do for years and are finally taking the time to do.

The entire week I've been sick I have had continued thoughts of Dad.  I want to go see him, but I can't because I don't want to pass along any germs.  I had not seen him regularly for the past month due to the condo selling and cleaning out, and the closing of the place at the end of September.  Then I come down with a cold the weekend I finally have time to see him.  So I knew when I didn't feel heavy cold symptoms today, I had to go see him!

It's my anniversary.  Daddy walked me down the aisle that day.  I just wanted to share that day with him some how again.  I knew Mike and I were going out to eat with the boys later tonight and I knew he and I would have our time this weekend.  I wanted to see Dad.  

So the boys and I went out to the retirement community after school and we walked in Dad's room.  He was resting in the bed.  He propped himself up when we came in.  He was very happy to see us.  He always loves to see the boys.  He calls Joseph, "Son" and Philip, "Little Man".  He's done that for years.  Even if he doesn't say their names anymore or remember their names, he knows they are his grandsons.  

When he got situated and sat up, I told him today was Mike's and my wedding anniversary.  Yes, I had to tell him who my husband was.  When I showed him a picture he remembered.  We are having to give him reminders of people now, which trigger his memory.  He told me our picture is on his bureau and he sees it every day.  That made me feel good.  I like to know he looks at our pictures.

When I told him that he walked me down the aisle 20 years ago, he started smiling and laughing this laugh like he couldn't believe it, but was so happy to be told this.  A tear came out of his right eye.  I gave him a big hug.  Then I sat down on his bed next to him and we went through "his and Mom's" wedding album of my wedding. I showed him all the pictures.  Pictures even of Mom and I and he and Mom and Mike and I together.  Just everything.  He just couldn't get over the pictures.  Walking down memory lane with my daddy, I just needed that today, because I'll never forget the day he walked me his little girl down to the front of that enormous sanctuary and gave me away to Michael.  Such a special day!

Joseph showed Dad his Lego figures.  He put them in some of Dad's model cars, in the Ford with the rumble seat and in the passenger seat with the little glass dog driving.  We all chuckled.

Dad put together this model car decades ago and painted it gold and beige for GA Tech, where my brother went to college for a year.

We always try to find things Dad is interested in.... and just "play".  He loves watching the boys play probably because he's had such a playful spirit his entire life.

We talked for a bit longer.  I gave him some assistance in the bathroom and then we sat down and I asked Joseph to take a few photos of Dad and I.  Dad did mention Mom today, but it was about the photo album, not about where she was or anything like that.  I had not heard him say the word "Mom" since the day she died.  It was nice to hear him say "Mom" again.  I still think he remembers her.  Mike believes that he has stuffed some of what has happened down deep inside himself, plus his disease does not allow his short term memory to hang onto the fact that Mom died recently.  I think he knows she's died, but since he has no concept of time at all whatsoever, that he thinks it happened a long time ago.  So he's not sad about it all the time.  If he thought it had happened recently we'd ALL know about it.  He would be grieving.

So I leave you with these photos.... Daddy and I,  20 years after he walked me down the aisle.  I miss sharing this day with Mom too. We would have gone over to see her today as well, probably would have brought her over to see Dad or visa versa on a good day.  Today's weather was perfect for just such a visit.  

Here's Daddy smiling and waving at Joseph with the camera.  20 years ago I'd never imagine my Daddy would have Alzheimer's and be in the condition he is, but love conquers all and love was all over his face today and in his hugs.  Just what I needed today to help me celebrate Michael's and my special day!

Afterward,  dinner was good too!  We went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants with the boys.  All of these men, big and little in my life....wow!  Lord, I would have never imagined I'd be surrounded by so many males to love on me.  I am. Thank you Lord.  Makes me miss my time with my Moma a bit more, but so grateful for all of the love that surrounds me daily.

Michael and I can't wait to celebrate this weekend in the mountains and I'll be sure to post some beautiful fall pictures from the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains.

Be blessed!
Judith