This was me last night, thinking of Mom. I have had a hard few days, since Thursday. Our family met with her on Thursday afternoon and my Aunt and I have had some moments of sadness. Cancer is sad, the affects of Type 1 diabetes are too, that is for sure, especially when you see your little sister or mother, suffering from something you can do absolutely nothing to stop.
I long to be with my mom, to bring her as much comfort as possible as she battles this disease. I didn't go last night to see her, but I did call her nurse, because I had to know how she was doing. My heart had to know! When her nurse told me she had had a good day, I was relieved and felt like I could go to sleep last night more peacefully.
I decided this morning instead of going to church, and being "fed" or participating in worship there, I'd bring some of Christ to my Moma and love on her. I long to see her, and she longs to see us too. Yes, I know I just saw her 3 days ago, but that longing does not change at this point in time.
My car actually became my pew bench and I sang on the way to see her, with my sunflowers for her sitting in the floor board. It is sometimes hard to sing in praise to the Lord when you are sad, but I found myself peaceful as I was singing this morning, even with some tears in my eyes, telling the Lord once again, I trust Him and He is holy, and precious, and forever with me, with all of us....no matter what.
So I spent four hours with Mom.... four precious hours I'll never get back. She loved the flowers and was so surprised! Those sunflowers will last a long time in water, another reason I brought her those type. I'm always greeted with "Hi Darlin'!" She calls my brother and I "Darlin'". "How are the boys? How is Mike?" She is always asking about the family, always interested in our lives.
She then asked about Dad. "Is he doing ok?", she asked cautiously like she was afraid he wasn't ok. Then she got teary eyed and said, "It seems like a really, really long time since I've seen him...." She had just seen him 3 days ago, on Thursday, but to the person who has memory loss, 3 days can seem like forever. He feels the same way I know. He, like she, has no concept of time and it seems like months since he's seen her too. She even asked if she saw him anymore. I then had to reassure her that he came to see her 4 days a week, Monday through Thursday and he'd see her tomorrow. That's when I got a smile! It gave her something to look forward to. I know she misses Dad, especially when she doesn't feel good.
We had some good conversations. She loved the new photos I had of the boys from Victory Sports. Just seeing her eyes and smile at the sight of the boys faces warmed my heart so much. I need to see that smile of hers. I want her to feel joy in these times no matter what. She even gave me suggestions on how to frame the boys' photos!
I brought her down to the dining room and decided to sit with her during lunch and help her out. Eating is a BIG struggle for her. She has had the appetite of a bird for so long, but now it is worse and I am seeing that it takes all of her energy to eat, chew and finish even part of a meal. We are now eating less than before and for a Type 1 diabetic that is not good at all. She is just not hungry, but she must eat. We usually have a companion to sit with her during lunch, to encourage her to eat, but today I did not see the companion. I'm glad I was there. So I got to eat with Miss Willie, Mrs. Nancy, and Mom. We sat for an hour in the dining room, she and I. We talked about hymns and I asked her what some of her favorites were. She then said she missed going to church. I knew that. I wish she could go. It's just too much for her though.
It took most of that hour to eat "part" of her sandwich. She kept her eyes closed much of the time while she was chewing, like she was concentrating hard on what she was doing. Oh Mom, my sweet mom, why does it have to be this way? I remember your home made cooking: fried chicken and London broil, beef stew, and chicken soup..... I remember it all. This is where we are though, and these are our struggles now. Her struggles are basic things that she needs to survive. I so wish it were not that way.
After she had eaten all that she could, the nurse suggested we go outside for some fresh air. It was a beautiful day today. Nurse Dreeta had the door open for us and we sat in the shade of the River Birch tree at the main entrance to her building. Mom said it felt so good to get outside and feel that fresh air!! We sat awhile and I called my brother so she could talk to him on the phone. She loved that. He always cheers her so. Then after about half an hour, her legs which are now chronically painful, were bothering her. She'd had a pain med before that, but it hadn't started working yet. So, we went back inside and went back to her room so she could rest those legs. The circulation in her right one is getting worse all of the time and it has us all very concerned.
She saw the sunflowers again! She didn't remember me bringing them to her, so it was a new surprise all over again!
I changed her socks, and helped her get up out of her wheelchair so she didn't fall. She's so afraid of falling and she can no longer get out of the wheelchair unassisted. It was difficult for her to find a comfortable position lying down in her bed. I stayed with her until we found a position where she could rest and the pain med started to work. I gave her a kiss and told her I loved her and she told me she loved me and I walked away from her bedside; her eyes were closing as she tried to sleep. I really didn't want to leave, but I knew she needed her rest. I'm not sure how much this lack of circulation in her legs is letting her rest with all of the pain and discomfort it is causing her. It is making her less and less mobile.
I told Mrs. Leonard, her roommate "good bye" and that I'd come back to see her really soon too. She gave me a big smile and thanked me for coming.
I'll be back Tuesday with Tom to meet with the Hospice doctor. I left still feeling a little sad. The pain is what saddens me and the weight loss and seeing her struggle so at times with just basic things. This is our "new" normal I think for now. This was a "good" day for her, and "good" is not "great" anymore. I'm praying for another "great" day!! I will take good ones over bad ones though, because none of us want her to be in any discomfort.
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