The Gratitude Box

Thanksgiving is fast approaching.... so many things for which to be thankful!  Today I decided to get out our gratitude box from last year and start working on updating it for this year.   

The idea came from the children's ministry at our church last year and I liked it so much that we decided to make one out of shoebox last year.  
Today seems like the perfect time, the day after the presidential election and elections all over the country (with all of the concerns on both sides of the political aisle), for focusing on thankfulness.  It might be just what we need to remember most.  Thankfulness in light of what is truly important in our lives.  

So we got started.... I got out the construction paper and we started drawing leaves to cut out.  On the back of those leaves we'll write things for which we are thankful and drop them in the box each week.  It doesn't have to be a specific day or a specific number of leaves.  Just whenever any of us feel thankful the marker and paper leaves are there to drop in the box.  Every few days we'll read those leaves and think about and talk about what each of us is thankful for.  

I have one son who loves to draw.  An older son who doesn't especially like to.  One was fine, the other became frustrated with the task of leaf drawing and he got grumpy!  
So we decided to "trace" leaves we had left over from last year and that seemed to work.  I grabbed my laptop too and decided a little bit of Mozart was in order.... Mozart is always good for grumpiness.   

We kept cutting, drawing, tracing and listening and talking about things we were thankful for.   I started reading some of the leaves from last year.  Very sweet.  We lost electricity last year around this time and there was more than one leaf with "Thankful to have electricity so we can run appliances" or "Thankful for the Duke Energy People".  I thought of all of the people in New Jersey and New York without power and water from Hurricane Sandy.  We have power right now.  We have water.  We take that for granted.  We have so much to be thankful for..... We must keep the people in need in our prayers and be generous with our gifts what ever they may be!

At one point Philip, our 8 year old impulsively left the table and went outside.  He came back with some fallen Maple leaves from our next door neighbor's Maple tree.  He decided he wanted to trace a real leaf instead of a paper one.

He did a good job!

My other son was starting to come around too.  He rewrote the Bible verse on the inside of the box and he and I started putting some of last year's leaves in the box.  He read them as he put them in and tried to guess who wrote each sentiment.

A minute or so later I switched to another Mozart concerto for us to listen to.  Philip started asking questions like, "Did Grandmom like this song?"  I told him, "Well, I don't know if she knew it, but I know if she heard it, she would like it."  So many things going on in an 8 year old mind when it comes to grieving a grandparent.  It was sweet to hear him process and talk about Mom.

Philip must have also seen us putting the leaves in the box because then next thing I saw was a leaf on which he had written a little message for the box.  It was not a paper leaf.  It was one of the actual Maple leaves he'd brought to the table.

The first one was for his daddy.  So sweet.  Then he had to make one for all of us! 

I gave him a big hug.  I feel loved!  
And his big brother by this time said, "I'm not grumpy anymore Mommy."  To think of that.... thankfulness and feeling appreciated cured the grumpy morning my middle schooler was having.  Awesome is what I say!  I was right.  Thank you Lord for prompting me to get out the gratitude box today.  It is what we needed to focus on today and in the days to come.
Can't end here without showing the last two leaves Philip shared.

Grandparents make such an impact on their grandchildren..... 
So completely grateful!  

I will continue to remember Lamentations 3:21-23 in the days and months ahead.  

"Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love

we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail,

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness."

Yes, every day is new!  God's mercies and compassions are new every single day for all of us!  I am holding on to those precious words.

My oldest son, Joseph wrote on a paper leaf as we wrapped up our little project.  It said, "I love my family and friends"  I gave him a hug.  He reiterated, "Mommy, I'm not grumpy anymore." with a huge smile. 

Thankful, yes, so very thankful!

When Love is Bigger than Your Own Heart

Sometimes love is just too big to keep to yourself.  

In your own heart you feel like you don't have any more to give at times when you are grieving the loss of your mother, but you find out this is not true.  Love for some reason propels you forward to a place you didn't feel like you could go, all because the joy of someone else just seems to become bigger than your own emotional pain.

Flowers kind of help in that department too.  When I look at the Zinnias in my yard, I think of who would like them and who doesn't receive many flowers, can't grow flowers anymore, and needs a bit of sunshine in their lives.  They are so pretty right now. I think of Dad.  I think of some other folks too but the folks I think of don't live in Dad's building.  They live in skilled nursing where Mom used to live.

For over 3 months I had not been able to go inside the actual skilled nursing building  where my Mom lived.  I wanted desperately to hug one nurse's neck, who was extremely fond of my mother.  Dreeta....  She was Mom's nurse on the weekends, every Saturday and Sunday she was with Mom from 7am until 7pm for 2.5 years.  All of those finger pricks to check Mom's blood sugar.... all of the insulin shots.....and making sure Mom ate in order to counteract the insulin.  And then catching all of the low blood sugars.....

Dreeta was actually not working the weekend Mom passed away.  She missed the entire fast decline the last week of June.  When she came back to work the following weekend on July 7th, Moma was gone.  I do not know how some of these people who work in skilled nursing can deal with the grief of losing residents.  It has to be incredibly hard after you build relationships with these people for years.  Mom built many relationships with people.  People loved her and she knew she was well taken care of.  Dreeta had a way with Mom for which I was forever grateful.

About 3 weeks ago Tom and I were visiting Dad.  After our visit, we were standing in the parking lot and he said, "Do you want to go see Dreeta?"  Do I want to go see Dreeta?  Wow, what a question!   Of course I did, but could I walk back in that door?  I'd tried a couple of times.  I'd walked up to the window of one door entrance, saw Mom's room, saw Dreeta at the end of the hall and walked away crying.  I just couldn't walk in there and not cry.  I wasn't sure I could do it this time either, but with Tom with me perhaps I could.  The building and being in the building does not bother Tom.  So he was the perfect person to go with me.  The building does bother me.  Maybe one day it won't.  I'm very visual. I tend to soak everything in personally I guess, but more than the building it's the people inside that affect me.

So I was brave and we went.  My favorite thing of all (besides the hug), was Dreeta's complete surprise and greeting with a smile a mile wide,  "The Postons! The Postons!"  It feels so good when someone is that excited to see you.   I told her the story of how I'd tried to come see her, but was too overwhelmed in grief.  She said she took Mom's passing very hard.   I hugged her neck so tight and told her thank you for everything she did.  I had to.  I had to let her know what a difference she made in Mom's life, in our lives.  I was fighting the tears and she was too.  

Then she told me the story of Mrs. Cooper.  Mrs. Cooper was one of three ladies at Mom and Mrs. Willie's table in the dining room.  Mom and Mrs. Willie died within 2 days of each other.  Mrs. Cooper lost two friends in two days.  Everyone at her table.  How she must have felt.... oh my.  She could not go back in the dining room for weeks Dreeta said.  Eventually they got her to come back down to the dining room for meals, but it took a long time.  My heart just sank.  I felt so bad for Mrs. Cooper.  This loss is so big and wide. 

Then I saw her.... 

She was in her wheel chair coming out of her and Mom's room....

There was Mrs. Leonard my Moma's roommate,  a 95 year old joy filled breath of fresh air.  She was wheeling herself towards us.  I left Dreeta and quickly came over to her and grabbed her hand and gave her a hug.  Oh to see this lady!  It made my day to see her smiling face!  She knew exactly who I was and told me all about how special Ethel was to her....  She told me to come back and see her.  I said I would with the boys when they were ready.

Philip and Mrs. Leonard  exactly 4 months from Mom's passing.

Going back.... is it really necessary?  Is it?  No, probably not, but this powerful thing called love just propels me back and makes me walk to a place that hurts in ways, yet is stronger than my own grief.  How does God do that in me?  How?  I don't want to go into my mother's former residence, yet Mrs. Leonard is there.  Mr. Byrd is there.... I can't seem to get some of these folks out of my head and heart.   This day, God gave me the strength.  I may not always be able to go back.  Grief is a funny, fickle thing.  I'm sure it will depend on many things.  One thing I know, the grief will remain.  Mom is firmly woven into my heart.  She is with me, so her loss is with me, the feeling of that loss will just change in time.  When God gives me His strength to get past my sadness when He wants me to go, I know I can go back now.   

We brought some Zinnias to Mrs. Leonard just yesterday.  Philip and I went over after visiting Granddad.  We had brought him some flowers too.  Here I was again in the parking lot, sitting in the car, asking myself could I do this?  I must have asked Philip 5 times if he was sure he wanted to go inside and give Mrs. Leonard the flowers and a handmade card.  He said he was fine and I promised we would not stay long.  I still wasn't 100% sure if he meant it.  This would be his first time going back.  Of course familiar faces greet us at the door and ask us how we are.  Dreeta was there again, "What beautiful flowers!"  I told her they were for Mrs. Leonard.  

We made Mrs. Leonard's day.   When I told Mrs. Leonard who I was,  "I'm Ethel's daughter...." she replied.  "Yes, you are.  Ethel was a special friend.  I so enjoyed her friendship."  She made my day, but what made my day most of all was her reaction to Philip and the flowers and card.  She did not remember him, though she had seen him many times.  Those pictures of him are no longer in her room since Mom died.  She used to see the boys pictures every single day and of course Mom talked about them all the time.

She loved the flowers.  I asked her what her favorite color was.  "All of them!" she said.  She loved the card and kept commenting about how clever and artistic PJ was.  She must have given Philip 4 hugs by the time we left.  Her joy surpassed my grief in those moments though I was standing in the hallway near Mom's room.  She asked me to put the flowers on her desk.  So I did.  That meant walking back into Mom's room and I was ok.  I tried not to look too much or think too much about where I was.  I just put the flowers on her desk and left.   

I know when Philip hugged Mrs. Leonard, that he was thinking about Grandmama.  I could sense that.  I was thinking about Mom too.  She knows we miss Mom.  She is someone special who we have enjoyed spending time with.  She truly appreciates our time, love and visits.  She always has.  I don't want Philip to feel sad, but we are all walking through this process and we're doing it arm in arm.  All of us grieve on different days in different ways.  No one will ever replace Grandmama.

On the way out I held Philip's hand.  Walking out without seeing Grandmama was hard.  I kind of wanted to cry.  However on the way out I saw Mr. Byrd.  

Seeing Mr. Byrd in April of this year when he was doing better.

He's on oxygen now.  That makes me a bit concerned.  Things change so fast in 4 months, I tell you.  I want to bring him some flowers too.  So many of these people are lonely, and just sit with not much to do.  No one is visiting them.  

But do I go back?  Do I make my sons go back?  Not if they don't want to.  I'm very sensitive to that.  It's tough.  It really is.  People keep telling me to be kind to myself.  Is going back at times being kind to myself if it makes me a little sad?  My mother never went back to the nursing homes where our loved ones lived after they died.  I'm sure she had her reasons, but when we were there I don't remember visiting with staff ever or other people, just our loved ones.  Our story is different.  Mom's nursing home is different and very small.  It's easy to get to know people and build relationships and we did.  

If I don't go back I am keeping my love to myself and love is meant to be given away, not kept inside.  Maybe it's Mom's love in me too....that propels me forward.  She certainly could never keep her love to herself.  Christ's love transferred from person to person.  It truly is a beautiful thing.  Isn't that what He wants us to do? 

Our plethora of Zinnias will be gone soon.  The frost of early November will get them all.  They need to be delivered to someone or someones soon....  and I have an idea.  Yes flowers don't last forever, but love is remembered and isn't that in the end what matters?  

For the Love of a Wooly Bear Caterpillar

It started in Valle Crucis this year.  Mike and I were on a little retreat to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary last weekend.  We were out back of the Mast General Store in Valle Crucis, NC and saw a couple of children looking around in the tall grass near an old barn.  They were trying to find Wooly Bear Caterpillars.  

We found a couple as well and knew that this would be the best present our 8 year old Philip could ever want from the NC mountains.... well except maybe a baby Mallard Duck.  Ha!
So we brought two home, one for Joseph and one for Philip. We don't see many of these around our yard, so we knew it would be fun for a day or so to watch them and then set them free.

What Philip did decide to do is draw them.  

All of us have a Nature Study Notebook.  
We draw things we admire in nature and it's fun to go back and look at the boys' drawings when they were 6 years old or 8 years old and see how their drawings have changed and improved as they have grown.

One thing for certain as I look back on their drawings is this.... they always love to draw insects.  And Philip has drawn the Wooly Bear many times.  Something about the Wooly Bear is just special.

We looked up what they like to eat.  Dandelions was a favorite.  We were able to pick a few in the backyard and I must say, the Wooly Bear got VERY excited when he discovered the flower as you shall see.....

What I love about these photos is how simple life can be.  How truly special it is to just appreciate nature and the small things in life.  My sons help me to do that all the time.  Nothing seems to get unnoticed with these two.  I guess I just crave simplicity right now. I always have but even more so these days.  

God really does teach me a lot through our sons.  I'm forever grateful.

When drawing a caterpillar make sure your specimen is close by or by Philip's preference, ON your paper.  They have a tendency to want to escape or hide which of course can be quite comical and distracting.  Having something close by they love also helps keep them busy, but seeing as caterpillar attention spans are quite short they will still wander off.  (Smile)

It's fun to stop in the middle of your drawing and observe.
"Will he move up the Dandelion stem??  Hmmmm...."

Don't forget to draw the things your Wooly Bear likes to eat.  

Enjoy your Wooly Bear's excitement of his Dandelion.
Make sure you take lots of photos of his activity.  You never know what the Wooly Bear may do.

Mr. Wooly Bear was craning straight up looking so happy.  Philip told me, "He's praising God! Look at him!  He's grateful for his Dandelion."  I thought that was the cutest thing I'd ever heard in my life.  A caterpillar praising the Lord..... well of course he was!
(Big smile)

It's ok to bring another Wooly Bear on your notebook to keep the other one company.  Just make sure he has his own Dandelion to keep him happy also.

This is what happens when you give your Wooly Bear two Dandelions.  He will get excited and explore the new one.

How long will my little boy appreciate Wooly Bears?  How long will he want to draw them in his notebook?  We'll have the memories for a long time and the photos too.  I like to capture these moments because life is a gift and oh so short and I don't want them to forget our simple home schooling days while they were young.  
We set them free that afternoon and watched one sit on a tree root for a long time.  The other one ambitiously took off across the grass to the Pear tree.  Happy to be back in nature, but I wonder if he misses those tall grasses of Valle Crucis? 

20 Years Today

Today is Michael's and my wedding anniversary.  Twenty years.....wow!  How the time has flown by with my best friend.
I wrote about that day last year on this blog.  It tells the story of my wedding dress, how Mom made it for herself in 1953 for her wedding day with Dad and just everything about Michael's and my special day in 1992.  It's a great story.  

Read the special blog post here:  Wedding Day

We've been having true fall like weather the past few days.  I have also had a terrible cold for the past 8 days, but this morning after sleeping in a bit I woke up to sunshine and I felt better than I have in a week!  What a blessing!  We are headed to the NC mountains to celebrate our anniversary soon to see the autumn color.  It's something we've wanted to do for years and are finally taking the time to do.

The entire week I've been sick I have had continued thoughts of Dad.  I want to go see him, but I can't because I don't want to pass along any germs.  I had not seen him regularly for the past month due to the condo selling and cleaning out, and the closing of the place at the end of September.  Then I come down with a cold the weekend I finally have time to see him.  So I knew when I didn't feel heavy cold symptoms today, I had to go see him!

It's my anniversary.  Daddy walked me down the aisle that day.  I just wanted to share that day with him some how again.  I knew Mike and I were going out to eat with the boys later tonight and I knew he and I would have our time this weekend.  I wanted to see Dad.  

So the boys and I went out to the retirement community after school and we walked in Dad's room.  He was resting in the bed.  He propped himself up when we came in.  He was very happy to see us.  He always loves to see the boys.  He calls Joseph, "Son" and Philip, "Little Man".  He's done that for years.  Even if he doesn't say their names anymore or remember their names, he knows they are his grandsons.  

When he got situated and sat up, I told him today was Mike's and my wedding anniversary.  Yes, I had to tell him who my husband was.  When I showed him a picture he remembered.  We are having to give him reminders of people now, which trigger his memory.  He told me our picture is on his bureau and he sees it every day.  That made me feel good.  I like to know he looks at our pictures.

When I told him that he walked me down the aisle 20 years ago, he started smiling and laughing this laugh like he couldn't believe it, but was so happy to be told this.  A tear came out of his right eye.  I gave him a big hug.  Then I sat down on his bed next to him and we went through "his and Mom's" wedding album of my wedding. I showed him all the pictures.  Pictures even of Mom and I and he and Mom and Mike and I together.  Just everything.  He just couldn't get over the pictures.  Walking down memory lane with my daddy, I just needed that today, because I'll never forget the day he walked me his little girl down to the front of that enormous sanctuary and gave me away to Michael.  Such a special day!

Joseph showed Dad his Lego figures.  He put them in some of Dad's model cars, in the Ford with the rumble seat and in the passenger seat with the little glass dog driving.  We all chuckled.

Dad put together this model car decades ago and painted it gold and beige for GA Tech, where my brother went to college for a year.

We always try to find things Dad is interested in.... and just "play".  He loves watching the boys play probably because he's had such a playful spirit his entire life.

We talked for a bit longer.  I gave him some assistance in the bathroom and then we sat down and I asked Joseph to take a few photos of Dad and I.  Dad did mention Mom today, but it was about the photo album, not about where she was or anything like that.  I had not heard him say the word "Mom" since the day she died.  It was nice to hear him say "Mom" again.  I still think he remembers her.  Mike believes that he has stuffed some of what has happened down deep inside himself, plus his disease does not allow his short term memory to hang onto the fact that Mom died recently.  I think he knows she's died, but since he has no concept of time at all whatsoever, that he thinks it happened a long time ago.  So he's not sad about it all the time.  If he thought it had happened recently we'd ALL know about it.  He would be grieving.

So I leave you with these photos.... Daddy and I,  20 years after he walked me down the aisle.  I miss sharing this day with Mom too. We would have gone over to see her today as well, probably would have brought her over to see Dad or visa versa on a good day.  Today's weather was perfect for just such a visit.  

Here's Daddy smiling and waving at Joseph with the camera.  20 years ago I'd never imagine my Daddy would have Alzheimer's and be in the condition he is, but love conquers all and love was all over his face today and in his hugs.  Just what I needed today to help me celebrate Michael's and my special day!

Afterward,  dinner was good too!  We went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants with the boys.  All of these men, big and little in my life....wow!  Lord, I would have never imagined I'd be surrounded by so many males to love on me.  I am. Thank you Lord.  Makes me miss my time with my Moma a bit more, but so grateful for all of the love that surrounds me daily.

Michael and I can't wait to celebrate this weekend in the mountains and I'll be sure to post some beautiful fall pictures from the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains.

Be blessed!
Judith

The Boys are Growing!

I'm having some moments today and did yesterday as well.  Last night was our oldest son, Joseph's first flag football game of the season.  He's played with Victory Sports in one sport or another since he was in Kindergarten.  Joseph is now in 6th grade.  This is his 6th season with Victory (spring and fall) flag football.

Here is a link to Victory Sports Outreach League.  It's a Christian league founded and run by the Pendarvis family in our church, who are Missionaries with the North American Missions Board.  Their ministry is to share the Gospel of Christ through sports.  You want to know people with big hearts?  It is them!  (Their Family Blog, with their inspiring story.)

I took this photo last night on the side lines of the game and Joseph just looked different to me all of a sudden.  Never mind that fact that last Sunday he tried on several different pair of long pants for church and could not wear a single pair!!  My child is growing!  He's almost 12.  

He's only one year away from being a teen ager.  Where did the time go?  It is flying by.

Playing with his favorite play doh at age three and a half

Then, I look to my right and I see his little brother, Philip watching the game.  He smiles at me and wants me to take his picture.  He looks different too.  It's been three months since we've been on these fields for football.  PJ is growing too.  He's 8.  

I remember when my mom used to hold him as a baby.

Then I can't help but have this thought in my mind.  I'm seeing them grow before my eyes.  I blink and they are bigger, I declare! 
Bear with me.... this grief is still so fresh in my heart.  It's a process and we are approaching 3 months without one of our favorite people in our lives.  Thanks for walking with me as I write!

What would Mom say?  She would be so proud of them.  Her boys! 
This is one of my favorite pictures of them together in February of 2012.

Mom would say something about how big they are getting.  If I can see the growth and I see them everyday, I know she would have noticed even more because she would have seen them once a week.  She always commented on how tall they were getting.

I miss seeing her every week.

They miss seeing her every week.

She would be enamored with them.  She would dote on them as she always did.  "Come, here! Give me a hug!"  Arms open wide.... "You are getting so tall!"  I can hear her voice now.  Yes, just when I feel like I'm having a good day, here is this void I'm feeling today.  The void of not sharing  my sons' growth with my mother anymore.  Yet I'm so thankful, I don't get to miss a moment with them.  Little boys are such a blessing.  One little boy would not want me calling him "little" anymore!!  He's still my baby though!

I so wish Mom could see them now.  I say that with a smile on my face, but a little tear in my eye as well.  

And I've got to take my son pants shopping!!  Being sentimental does not put pants that fit on Joseph.  Ha ha ha!  

Sure do love my sons.  Can't wait for next week's Friday night flag football game!

History Home School Days in Jamestown, VA

The week after Labor Day we took school on the road and spent a week touring Historical sights in Virginia related to the Revolutionary War time period.  It was a wonderful week, full of hands on learning, living history and adventure.  It's nice with home schooling to have the flexibility of going and doing when it is convenient for us as a family.  Mike cannot take time off during the summer months due to the nature of his job.  So, September has become our favorite month for taking our time together as a family for vacation and learning.  

Day 1:
Jamestown Settlement- Jamestown, Virginia 
Enjoy these photos on the link above which I posted on Facebook.  Beautiful weather was with us all week.

A Good Day For Saying Farewell

Sometimes something you never thought was ever possible again becomes possible because your father is having a good day with his illness.  Today was a good day for Dad.  He had not been on the roof for a very long time.  It was the first day of fall and beautiful in the Carolinas.  We'd just had some ice cream at Ben and Jerry's two blocks away.  The weather was perfect for a ride up the elevator to see the city skyline.

Mom and Dad's place is selling next week.  It's been a long 18 month road to closing for us.  A chapter is ending.  We are all ready to move on.  Mom and Dad moved on over two years ago.  It's just taken a long time for the "Tree House" to sell.  Mom always called their condo the "Tree House" with affection, due to the enormous 100+ year old Willow Oak in the front of the condominium building. 

They loved their home.  They never would have moved from it if it hadn't been for Mom's medical situation and her needing the extra care in her daily life of having Type 1 diabetes.  Moving to the retirement community gave us two and a half extra happy, healthy years with Mom because she was able to receive the consistent medical support she truly needed.

One of Dad's favorite places at the Tree House was the roof of the building.  He'd go up there and just sit on the beautiful decking in a lounge chair, 14 stories high above the tree tops.  He always loved to sit in the sun and relax.  He LOVED the roof.  

I had the thought the other day about why he might like places where all he could see above him was just sky.  Perhaps it was because it made him think of being on the fleet oiler in the Pacific when he was in the US Navy in the 1950's with no obstructions of the sky for as far as he could see.  There is something to be said about being high up in the air with only the clouds above you.  

A photo sent to his bride to be (Mom) in 1951

Every time Mom and Dad had guests in their home, Dad would insist on taking them to the roof.  
"Before you leave, you have to let me show you the view from the roof!" he'd say.  
Anyone that saw the roof was glad they did!  I have found myself doing the same thing the past year and a half.  I have taken people up there as well because there is nothing like it and I've told them the story of Dad.

I've seen fireworks....  

Sunsets....

This is my new favorite sunset picture up there just this week.  Tom is trying out his new panoramic option on his iPhone.  

I've been windblown by icy cold winds in February and calmed by warm summer breezes up there.  I have meditated, prayed, been thankful and reminisced sometimes all at the same time on this roof.  

There is no place like it.  It is unique and special.  It is also in the middle of our family's history.  Mom and Dad's church is right across the street from the Tree House.  Mom's final resting place is also right across the street at the columbarium of that very same church.

I love this area of the city.  I love the huge trees and the feel of the neighborhood.  It is full of happy memories.  
We are saying goodbye this week.  I can still drive through this part of town and continue to enjoy it that way.  I could go to the church, take a walk, go to a restaurant or bring Dad to our favorite ice cream shoppe.  It is just not an area of town I live close to or frequent on a day to day basis.  So it was special that Dad was having a good enough day to go up on the roof one more time.  

He did not remember ever being up there before nor the joy that it used to bring him.  However, he really enjoyed the view today, like he'd seen it for the first time.  It took Tom and I both to accompany him safely due to some steps going out onto the decking.  He did a great job though and with both of us there, he felt safe.  

I'm sure I will head to the roof a couple more times to say goodbye this week and relish in fond family memories..... 
.....and one of Mom and Dad's friends and neighbors has already told me if I ever want to come back to the roof, all I have to do is call her and we are welcome.  It's nice to have good friends.

"That's My Daughter!"

Walking the valley of Alzheimer's Disease closely with a parent reaffirms how much those words mean, especially today after seeing Dad and hearing him say this.  I'm thankful for my brother  who truly understands this "need" and "longing" for Dad to still affirm us as his kids.  

Yes, we are all grown up.  

Yes, I've taken that word "daughter" for granted in the past.  These past few years I don't.  Alzheimer's won't let me.  So many times I feel like I'm in the background in his life, doing all of these things he has no idea about for his benefit, well being and quality of life.  He has no idea what we do for him behind the scenes.  He doesn't remember our times together after the fact too well at all.  That is ok.  Those thoughts of needing to be recognized for what I do, don't come to my mind.  He is the one who is Dad.  He is the one that needs our love the most because he is the one battling this disease.   He'd never in a million years want me to do all that I am doing.  He'd worry about me.  He'd say, "That's too much Darlin'."  So would Mom.  They were the parents always looking out for everyone else's well being, never wanting to intrude on anyone else's life.   They sacrificed and did wonderful things for me all my life.  

So what do I do when the reality of dementia hits hard?  Besides pray (a LOT) and shed a few tears (if I need to), and pour out my heart on this blog,  I listen to a phone message left to me by Dad about 3 years ago on our answering machine. He and Mom were still living independently.  I have it recorded on my phone so I can listen to it any time I want to.  It is a message where he thanks me for being his daughter.  It sounds like "Dad" before we truly started losing him.  It is a reminder that what I see today is the disease, not my dad in his true form.  Take away the beastly disease and there is my daddy, like I've known him all my life.  

That is a huge comfort to me to hear his voice of yesterday.

So I go back to...."That's my daughter!"
How special those words are to me this afternoon as he looked at his caregivers with a smile on his face and gleam in his eye.  
Those words are like food for my soul on this journey.

I am waiting for the day when I walk into his building and walk up to him and he won't know who in the world I am.  That day may be coming faster than we realize.  Not remembering loved ones is something heavy on my heart sometimes.  I have selfishly begged, quietly whispered, and humbly asked God to spare us these moments. 
Starting with Mom......  I prayed and prayed she would never have to go through the heartbreak of Daddy forgetting her after almost 60 years of marriage.  She would have completely understood, but it would have been painful.

God answered that prayer.  Daddy has forgotten after she has passed away, but never while she was living in his day to day life.  

Selfish me asks the Lord to spare me too.  "Please Lord, let me not experience this."  Oh he knows this heart so very well!  He knows that will be a heart crushing day for me.  I do not dwell on it. I take each day as it comes.  If it does happen I am not alone.  So many experience this loss with a loved one with dementia.  No, I do not want Daddy to forget I'm his daughter.  I do not want him to forget Tom is his son.   

I've already seen God's amazing miracles with my dad's dementia.  I've mentioned before, this disease is sparing him the grief of his bride.  The staff in Memory Care even recognizes it as a gift and blessing of God.  They all smile when we talk about it, even today 2 months after Mom's passing!  They all say the same thing about what an incredible blessing it is.  

Sometimes I ask the Lord again, "Is this what 'working  everything out for the good of those who love you?' looks like?"  I just pinch myself seeing the goodness of God as we move forward.  I should not doubt God's abilities to work in our lives or his goodness, or how BIG he his!  "You are blessing my dad, just because you can Lord."  This is just such a huge blessing!  Perhaps Alzheimer's has enough pain of its own.  "God, You are a loving God.  You care for your children even when a disease of the mind does not allow us to petition you in prayer.  You are caring so greatly for Dad right now."  

And then I wonder if the Lord is saving Mom for Dad in heaven.  She has brought him so much joy these past 61 years..... 

"No Joe, no sadness for you, with Ethel.  There will be only joy.  You'll have to wait for heaven for that." 

Sounds crazy, and God's ways are not my ways, but what if that was part of the plan?  No matter what, Daddy's disease and joy are bringing God glory!

"That's my daughter!"  
I'm still thinking of Mom.  I hear her say it when he says it.  She used to do the same thing with the staff in her building.  For both of my parents all of our lives, (not just in a nursing home), it is not just an introduction  for either my brother or I.  It's an endearing, happy proclamation with emphasis on "son" or "daughter".  It is a loving affirmation of us, adopted kids.....even over 40 years later.

I miss my daddy.  I miss who he used to be.  Yet, there are little pieces of him that God allows to remain for now.  The pieces are becoming smaller as we move along.  His joy is still vital to the well being of this heart of mine.  When I see that face light up at the sight of our family it just makes my day!  To see him so happy, makes my day!  I don't say this to puff ourselves up or to say, "Hey, look at us! We're something wonderful!"  I say it because Dad is wonderful to US.  He is loved.  He is cherished.  And when we feel loved and cherished back in the middle of this crazy, unpredictable, depressing disease, we are not just happy.  We are affirmed deeply.  

It is what I'm hanging on to at this point.

"That's my daughter!"  

He does not know my last name anymore.  
He does not remember his grandsons' names.
Sometimes he may not remember my name specifically to other people.  
But.... he knows ME.   He knows my brother, when he sees our faces.

To be his daughter..... there is so much wrapped up in that word.  I wish I could describe right now what it's meant to me for the past three years since I started investing so much of my life into my parents' lives for their health and well being.  One day I will have to take the time and write down what it means to be just that..... a daughter.  Not just any daughter.  Their daughter.

God has brought me to a place as "daughter" like no other place.  He's required more of me in this role than I ever dreamed He would.  And I wouldn't change a thing..... and I'll still cherish those words of Dad when he tells other people (who yes, know exactly who I am) that I am his daughter.  

I want him to "feel" loved and appreciated..... because he is.  
In the darkness of Alzheimer's Disease you especially need to feel loved when you are in those places that do not make sense.  When your world is turned upside down, and you truly have lost control of your life, it is essential to feel loved.  

I am just so grateful Dad is still with me.  If Mom cannot be, he still is.

God's grace through Dad's love carries me at times as we continue strolling along this long journey of this disease together.   Dad still wants to walk me to where I'm going, when we say "I'll see you soon."  Right now it is to the elevator in his building.  He's still the gentleman.  He wants to be wherever Tom and I are.  I think that is because our heart strings are attached and he knows that.  
"That's my son!"
"That's my daughter!"

Most importantly..... "That's my daddy!"